Why I Blog and What Social Media Means for Me

I am a part of the way through something I am working on this summer that is causing me to have no time to follow the over 500 Facebook pages whose news appears on my feed on a daily basis that takes, easily, up to 4 hours a day to read through.  Reading everything in my Facebook feed requires me to be on Facebook on my commute to and from work (about 1 hour each way), plus 2 or so hours after I put my daughter to bed each night.  I’m fairly certain that all my Facebook friends–at least those that have NOT hidden me from their feeds–are relieved at not having to see every single time I Like a post with a Global setting (thank you, Mark Zuckerberg, for this ridiculousness).  Ha!

A couple of friends recently asked me if I plan to cut back from Facebook on a permanent basis, like I did with Twitter a couple years ago because that became too time consuming (and I was getting tired of the cliquey snark and popularity contests that left a bad taste in my mouth….and I don’t have time for that sh*t), and as a full-time employee with a long commute to/from work each day, I found it impossible to keep up with it.  At this point, I do not know.  I will have to see how it goes.  I must say, though, that it is so freeing not to have to feel like I MUST get through everything in my news feed every single day!  More time to do what I have to do.  Less stress.

A couple of friends also asked me if I planned to keep up blogging, to which I indicated that I will always keep up my blogging and advocacy for maternal mental health and anti-bullying.  They indicated it seems I have reached the end of my journey of documenting and processing my emotions and experiences that occurred before, during and after I had my daughter. But I told them that I will always need an outlet and I will always be passionate and outspoken about these two topics.  And after all, the origin of the word “blog” came from web log:  an online journal or diary, a means to get one’s thoughts and feelings out and at the same time sharing with individuals who can appreciate your posts.

I may not have amassed that large of a following, but what I do know is that I am reaching people on a daily basis who find me via certain key words.  I am content knowing that I continue reaching and helping others feel less alone with their experiences and I continue to spread awareness so fewer new moms will go through what I went through…..the original intent of this blog.

I am not using social media for popularity purposes.  In fact, on Facebook I choose to keep a very small circle of Facebook “friends.”  I limit this small circle to those I know IRL (in real life) or with whom I have corresponded regularly online for a certain length of time and with whom I feel very like-minded.  And if I know the person IRL, I have to have a positive relationship with that person (this is pretty logical, no?).

I’m not blogging strictly to see how many Likes or Shares I can get or friends I can make.  If that were the sole purpose, I would’ve stopped a long time ago.  Despite the fact that I have been blogging for over 5 years and people still haven’t heard of my blog–even in the field of maternal mental health–and certain individuals who used to support my blog but don’t any longer, I am going to keep on doing what I’m doing.

I’ve said this in previous posts that my blogging style (as straightforward, down to earth, genuine, no BS, and “what you see is what you get” as you’ll ever come across….which reflects the kind of person I am IRL) isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay.  Everyone is different. I am staying true to myself.

I care about new moms who feel as lost as I did when I first had my baby.

I care about teens who get bullied.

That is all.

Why Do People Feel Compelled to Bully and Cyberbully, Anyway?

TO THE BULLIES / CYBERBULLIES OUT THERE (and if you’re not completely convinced or aware that you are, in fact, a bully or cyberbully, read on):

Does bullying make you feel better about you, as a person?

Does cyberbullying make you feel more powerful, knowing you have X number of followers/friends (or shall I say groupies) that will jump at your beck and call and support you without question?  Even if what you are doing is tearing someone else down?

Picture a bully facing off with their target, in a hallway, in school.  This bully takes a swing.   The fist impacts the other person’s face.  The group surrounding the two grows, and witnesses start chanting “Go, go, go!”  The bully beats furiously on that person until his fist is all bloodied and bruised, and his anger has dissipated since he’s taken all his anger (from whatever was on their mind – may or may not have been related to the person they beat up) out on the poor individual he so furiously beat up.

It’s a shame people have such problems processing their emotions and getting a grip before unleashing their fists (or words, for that matter).   Or perhaps it’s an attempt to show that they are more dominant/popular?  Either way, it is a clear sign of a lack of impulse control, emotional intelligence, maturity in coping with whatever issue is going on…which is why you hear about all too many cases occurring in middle school and high school.

When I think cyberbullying, I instantly think of the teens online that are being taunted and hated online.  TEENS.  But it also happens among grown-ups.  Grown-ups TEND to have more of a better grasp on communication skills, they TEND to be more mature than children/teens, and as people grow older, their emotional intelligence TENDS to increase (but not everyone achieves emotional intelligence, without first resolving any of their own emotional/psychological issues first).  But yes, cyberbullying does occur among adults.  I haven’t really seen much of it myself…..and had the misfortune of witnessing it today.

cyberbullying

Why does the bully do what he does?  What makes a person want to beat down another person so bad that they aren’t happy until they see him all bruised and bloodied….or in cyberspace, completely alienated, humiliated with everyone turned against him?  Could the bullying have been triggered by something that occurred at home?   Not coming from a nurturing environment growing up?  Low self esteem reaching a boiling point he couldn’t stand it anymore and had to try to make someone else feel worse than him? Or on the other side of spectrum, a grandiose sense of being better/far more important than the other person and therefore having the right to do and say anything he feels like, even going so far as belittling, mocking, stepping all over that person (literally or figuratively), just because he feels he is more entitled, superior to the other person, and popular?

Could he not have taken out whatever it was that was bothering him so by writing in, say, a journal…or even a blog?  A much more peaceful and cathartic approach, don’t you think?  Well, one would think, but evidently, words can be just as detrimental and damaging as a fist.  A fist brings physical damage.  Words can bring emotional and reputational damage.  If a person goes on a warpath on someone else in cyberspace, with or without that person’s presence, well, that’s CYBERBULLYING.  They think they have a right– on their own Facebook page, blog, Twitter, or whatever the social media preference du jour happens to be–to unleash their fury with the purpose of taking someone else down.  They have an audience who is chanting in their favor, supporting them with comment after comment, that they are absolutely in the right, no questions asked.

But wait a minute.  If you witness a cyberbully on the rampage, before providing unquestioned and loyal support, do you have evidence that the person that is being cyberbullied is in the wrong, before publicly participating in cursing him out and saying hurtful things that are personal, even though he did nothing to you personally…and chances are, you don’t even know him?   Think first before acting.  Don’t behave like a flock of birds and take off from (or mimic) the slightest movement of one bird in the flock.  Think about this:  What exactly did he do that was so bad that it justified being trashed and his name get dragged through the mud?   Yes, you may be very fond of the person that’s on the rampage, but you have a mind of your own, don’t you?  How would you like to be on the end of this online trashing?

Putting out there in cyberspace words that are hurtful and spiteful, and not even necessarily true, with the purpose of shaming, alienating and damaging a person’s reputation, is completely the wrong way of coping and dealing with shit.  Cyberbullying is NEVER GOOD.

And for those who feel attacking someone they have been friendly with form some time, but then all of a sudden, something happens that they don’t appreciate and voila, they leap in motion online…and before you know it, words are said in cyberspace that can’t ever be completely wiped out….because, wouldn’t you know it?  You can take screenshots of those words.  Thank you, technology.

What I would love to know the answer to is what exactly makes a person so spiteful that a past, positive relationship/friendship means nothing to you?  When you are passionate about something but this other person doesn’t do exactly what you do to share your passion about something, but he does it in his own way?   Or you are miffed about something he did or said, or didn’t say or do.  One thing said or done by a person doesn’t warrant your humiliating him– on your Facebook page, Twitter feed, or whatever the social media do jour happens to be–via cursing and a string of nasty opinions for all your friends/followers to see and scoff at.  You are essentially assisting your friends in formulating opinions about this person without your friends ever having to meet that person IN REAL LIFE.  How right is this?  WELL, IT ISN’T RIGHT.  NOT AT ALL.  If you can’t talk things through and come to an agreement, fine, then go your separate ways.  But don’t turn on him and publicly humiliate him via cursing and spiteful words.

If you are a bully/cyberbully and can’t see that what you’re doing is wrong, then you have a long way to go in growing up and achieving the emotional intelligence you are so lacking at this point in time.

STOP BULLYING.  STOP CYBERBULLYING.

Taking down another person with willful intent to make them suffer emotionally and/or physically is DEAD. WRONG.

If you are a witness to bullying or cyberbullying, then step away.  There is no need for you to join the fray, especially if you don’t know the complete circumstances.

I have ZERO TOLERANCE for this shit.  <Note: I don’t normally cuss, but in this case, I am pissed>

#liftoneanotherup #donttakeeachotherdown #bullyingofanykindisbad #adultswhodoitneedtogrowup

Thoughts of Suicide and the Taboo of Discussing It

I think the title of my post speaks for itself, but just in case, I will add a trigger warning…

*** This post may be triggering if you are are emotionally vulnerable right now***

Below is an excerpt from a recent Facebook post over at the Angel Rehtaeh Facebook page I’ve been following since Rehtaeh Parsons of Novia Scotia died by suicide on April 7, 2013.  The cause of her attempted suicide has been blamed on the online distribution of photos of an alleged gang rape committed by four boys in November 2011, and subsequent persistent cyberbullying and bullying that took place that drove her to try to end her life.

As I’ve mentioned in past posts, I am just as concerned about girls’ mental health as I am about maternal mental health because there is risk of postpartum mood disorders occurring when there is a history of depression, bipolar disorder, or other mental health issue.  And as many of my blog followers already know, since I was a victim of bullying while growing up, I am just about as passionate an advocate for anti-bullying as I am an advocate for maternal mental health.  And mental health/depression and suicide as topics for discussion?  Still very taboo in our society today.  Yes, they are still very hush hush and make for awkward topics to talk about.  But not awkward enough for my lunch group today, which I had the pleasure of organizing as a mini reunion of four fellow Postpartum Support International (PSI) members from as far away as Arizona in addition to Long Island and of course, New Jersey.  Yes, we talked about suicide, among a number of other maternal-mental-health-related matters….not to mention our books (3 out of the 4 PSI members are book authors).

Not speaking up about suicide is just like not speaking up about mental health….it doesn’t do anyone any good.  It just keeps it a completely taboo topic.  It makes people who experience it feel ashamed and alone, when in fact they are far from alone.   People with suicidal thoughts may feel like no one cares and no one will ever understand what they are going through.  That’s simply not true.  There are always people who care.  The key is whether you spoke to the right person about what you’re going through.  When I say right person, I mean a loved one whom you trust and can help connect you with someone who is trained to help those who are in a dark place say that there truly is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The following excerpt is being quoted with permission from Rehtaeh’s mother, Leah Parsons:

The sad part about thoughts of suicide and the taboo of discussing it is that so many people especially teenagers go through times where they have these thoughts. Instead of acknowledging that these thoughts are more common than we know…we make people feel like there is something “wrong” with them. That somehow they are “weak” and can not handle life’s pressures. Schools need more talk of mental health- not less. Not talking about mental health does not equal less suicides. Actually, talking with supports in place is the answer to helping peoples – especially teens deal with their emotional struggles.  So what would I say to someone who is wanting to leave this beautiful world?
I would say:

1. You are not alone.
2. This too shall pass….what seems like the darkest of days can lead you to the brightest light.
3. When we come out of darkness we have a better lense in which to view the world.
4. Find the smallest of things to look forward to everyday. It can be the feeling of crawling under your comfy blankets at night. Embrace comfort!
5. Ask for guidance to something bigger than yourself…even if you don’t believe in God, ask the Universe..you will get an answer but you have to be present. Listen,be present for that opportunity!
6. Look around you for beauty….it’s there and inside of you too.
7. Find one person you trust…find “YOUR” therapy whatever that may be…explore that.
8. Look around you at the people who love you…you matter to them even if it feels like your a burden…thats not true that is something you are feeding yourself to confirm your negative feelings. Its a trick your mind plays with you when you are down.
9. Life is hard and again YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
10. What seems like desperation and sadness today is not permanent….it will not always be that way.
11. Don’t compare your journey to another.
12. Someone else may seem strong and have everything going for them, but they too will struggle or are struggling.
13. You are loved…find the love in you and feed yourself the way you would a friend that is down.
14. Listen to your thoughts, is that how you would talk to a friend? Be that friend to yourself!
15. Please Stay there will never be another YOU!

I would like to end this post with a reminder to reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline if you are feeling like you are at the end of your rope, there is no hope, there is no way out of the situation that is making you feel so bad, and/or your loved ones would be better of without you.  Contrary to what you believe, your loved ones will NOT be better without you.

Let’s Face It, Your Kids Can’t Avoid Bullies and Mean Kids – But You Can Help Them Develop Problem Solving Skills

*** This post may be triggering if you are suffering from postpartum depression (PPD) and are sensitive to negative news events ***

I am so tired of feeling devastated, seeing the constant posts of children taking their own lives.  Reading about teen suicides that seem to be occurring more and more frequently is truly heartbreaking.

There’s 11 year old Michael Morones who was bullied (and is now in a persistent vegetative state from hanging himself) for being a My Little Pony fan.  Every time I see his beautiful face on my Facebook feed, I just want to break down and cry.

Then there’s Ashley Payton who was driven to bullycide on February 5, 2014,  just shy of her 16th birthday.  A girl who was so beautiful and yet was convinced she wasn’t.  Self esteem issues seemingly at play here, as is at the heart of all too many other teen-related issues like eating disorders (anorexia/bulimia), cutting, drugs, and depression….just to name a few.

And finally, there’s the article in the Clarion Ledger dated April 12, 2014 titled “Anti-bullying Laws Fail to Stem Youth Suicide” by Emily Le Coz, which is what motivated me to write this post today.  The article reveals frightening statistics of the numbers of youth suicides each year and how bullying is most often cited as the root of the epidemic, despite anti-bullying laws in place in most states.  The article mentions 15-year-old Lyndsey Taylor Aust, bullied for merely having acnie, was but one of THREE suicides in her school within ONE MONTH period (this is what is referred to as a “contagion effect”).

Sure, schools have some form of anti-bullying policy in place, but I have yet to hear about a school that has an effective one.  For one thing, instead of an environment of transparency in schools, you have one that is controlled by fear that stems from the stigma of depression and suicide. Instead of transparency and a culture that TRULY cares about the welfare of students, schools fear doing anything to change the negative culture, hence the sweeping of depression, suicide and bullying under the rug.  There is a price to pay for such willful ignorance.  Look at what happened at Scott County Central High School in Mississippi….three suicides in ONE MONTH.

The fact of the matter is our children are feeling hopeless and helpless enough to end their own precious lives.  There have been arguments that bullying is not necessarily the sole and direct cause of all youth suicides.  That it might just be “the straw that broke the camel’s back.” Well, there is ABSOLUTELY a correlation between victims of bullying and suicidal thoughts and attempts, according to a study published in the March 2014 edition of JAMA Pediatrics.  You can also review the booklet posted over on the CDC website titled The Relationship Between Bullying & Suicide.  Both parents and educators should familiarize themselves with this information.

If there are self esteem issues that are leading toward changes in behavior/sleep/eating, depression should be looked at and treated. In a number of recent cases I’ve read about recently, I noticed that parents indicated there was absolutely no sign whatsoever that anything was out of the ordinary.  Their children seemed like their happy, normal selves.  I don’t know any of these families’ situations, but there is a greater tendency to bully or be bullied in the following situations in which a stable support system is lacking:

  1. Greater numbers of single parents than ever before
  2. Dual-career parents who are busy working long hours at full-time jobs and spending less time at home with the kids and providing positive behavior role modeling, interaction, and simply listening opportunities
  3. Risk factors for depression and other mental health issues, like eating disorders, self esteem issues, family history of mental illness, extreme poverty, emotional/physical abuse, lack of nurturing, etc.

I am not in any way blaming any parents whose children took their own lives.  I’m imploring ALL parents to be more in tune with their children. If there is an underlying mental health issue, then PLEASE get help for them.  If you see that there are changes in demeanor, behavior, diet, and sleep, please observe, talk to and listen….REALLY LISTEN TO WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY AND REALLY OBSERVE THEIR BEHAVIOR AND MANNERISMS CLOSELY.  If they refuse to open up to you, please try to get them a neutral third party–someone experienced with teen issues and depression, like a family counselor–to talk to them.  Put aside any feelings of shame or fear from the stigma of mental illness.

If you are of the camp of parents who believes the best way your children will learn to adapt to and survive in this world is by doing it with very little to no guidance from you, I implore you to put aside any feelings you may have that, since you toughed it up and lasted through mean kids and got through tough times in school, your child can too.  Don’t think for one second that what you went through growing up back in the 60s, 70s or 80s is the same as growing up today in the 21st century when kids are heavy users of social media and can be cyberbullied day and night via texting, Twitter, Facebook, Instragram, and online forums in which teens “hang out” in an often anonymous fashion.  Anonymity affords cyberbullies/trolls access to an easy–albeit even more cowardly than in-person bullying–means to harass, intimidate and taunt in a public forum, and gives others to join in/gang up to make an emotionally vulnerable young individual miserable.  And put aside the belief that it’s impossible for them to ever have any mental health issues because “depression just doesn’t happen to anyone in my household; I wouldn’t allow them to be weak like that.”

In these cases–since we all know that middle and high schools are a breeding ground for kids undergoing hormone changes who, as part of the socialization process that goes with growing up, try to assert themselves in inappropriate ways–we need to ensure our children are prepared.  I’m  not saying we need to be like the helicopter parents that are so oft criticized in parenting articles, and solve all our kids’ problems so we can keep them out of harm’s way.  No, not at all.  I’m saying that we need to provide guidance to our children.  After all, that’s what parents do.  We use our own experiences and wisdom gained from living and learning….and from our own parents.  From the time our children are toddlers, we teach/coach/guide our children to feed themselves, go potty themselves, talk, stand up, walk, change themselves, brush their teeth, behave appropriate/use inside voices in public spaces…and so on.

I can’t help but view a school as one huge boxing ring within which kids are forced to demonstrate their survival skills.  Because school ends up being where kids spend most of their time every day of the school year, it’s not unreasonable for me to say that every school district should help kids with training on how to cope with mean kids.  In fact, I fervently believe schools should be mandated to add to their curriculum–for first grade all the way through twelfth grade–a year long training on social skills.

It’s one thing that schools observe a Week of Kindness every October.  That’s only five days out of a 183-day school year.   Schools will generally have a mission that includes words like emotional wellness, appreciation of diversity, fostering respect.  But let’s face it, since we can’t even get the majority of schools in this country to deal with bullying effectively, the responsibility for teaching our kids coping skills rests on parents.

It is inevitable that there are mean kids in every school.  What we need to focus on is how to provide our children with guidance on how to cope with mean kids.  It is crucial that parents teach their children to adapt to and survive in this world by nurturing, guidance, and simply being there for them.  Providing guidance is not the same thing as making things easier for our kids and fixing all their issues so down the road they have no problem solving skills of their own. I’m talking about helping our children develop skills they need to fix their own problems. Self esteem is a huge issue for all too many teens. Not every teen is going to know how to let mean behavior slide like it took me years to learn how to do myself.

Resources I would like to recommend for both parents and educators (I am early in my research, so more to come in future blog posts):

Your Voice is Yours – Don’t Ever Let Anyone Take That Away from You

Standing up for principle–and standing up for yourself– is important, especially if you know you don’t deserve someone’s negative comments and/or behavior.  All my life I’ve been about principle.  All my life I’ve had difficulty in standing up for myself, mainly because I’m not witty enough to come up with a response, rebuttal–or what have you– on a dime.  But as I mentioned in my recent Brave post, I’m getting better at it!

Ever get backed into a corner with people accusing you of things that just aren’t true?  Constructive feedback is one thing, but false accusations are completely different….and needless to say, bad.  Period.  And in response to false accusations, you absolutely MUST be able to defend yourself.  If you are ever judged or accused of anything wrongly–whatever circumstance this may be, whether it be by a family member, a friend, a fellow student, a teacher, a boss, a colleague, a doctor, someone on the Internet–you have a voice to express yourself (within reason, of course) either verbally and/or in writing.  Use it!  Don’t ever let anyone take that away from you!

If you are suffering from postpartum depression (PPD) and your experience is minimized by someone and/or someone is saying hurtful things to you and/or people are giving you unsolicited advice that is not helping matters one bit, don’t hesitate to use your voice and stand up for yourself.

If you are suffering from PPD and your doctor is not listening to you and/or is treating you in a sub par fashion, tell him that as your doctor, he needs to listen to you and treat you better.  If this is a new doctor who doesn’t “get it” when it comes to PPD, then don’t continue to try to cope with it.  Find a new doctor who “gets it.”

If you are a new mom that is having difficulty breastfeeding and/or wish to supplement with formula (or want to feed your baby formula, period), and lactation consultants, doctors or anyone else who tries to make you feel guilty about that decision, then tell them to back off.  Tell them that how you feed your baby is YOUR choice to make (with your significant other, if applicable).

If a teacher, boss or colleague is bullying you and/or creating an environment that is uncomfortable for you, tell them how you feel and escalate if attempts to reason with them lead to a dead end. 

If you are a student and you find yourself being the target of a bully, don’t relinquish control to them.  Don’t let them know that you are intimidated or bothered by them. It’s important, first of all, to unplug (from social media).  That gives them less weapons for attacking.  Next, document, document, document!  One technique you may be able to use is referred to as baffling the bully.  In other words, come up with a response that throws the bully completely for a loop.  Make it clear that you are unphased by their antics (I know this is hard, but it’s worth trying…not just once, and DO IT EARLY ON).  Be familiar with your state laws concerning bullying.  Make sure you tell multiple individuals, including your parents.  Do not endeavor to undertake this on your own or think that by simply walking away or ignoring it will make it stop.  No one deserves to be bullied.  None of this is your fault.  The bully is the one with the issue, not you.

I could go on and on with examples, but I think you get the picture.

I saw a meme pop up on my Facebook feed the past weekend the words of which struck home with me:

One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals. And so when I hear about negative and false attacks, I really don’t invest any energy in them, because I know who I am.  ~ Michelle Obama

Here is the First Lady of the United States who, just like the President himself, are on a daily basis being criticized.  But they both can’t defend themselves from the onslaught of criticisms–most of which are based on prejudism, willful ignorance, illogical reasoning, brainwashing (you are told to think/feel a certain way because x generations of people in the family and community have felt that way for centuries) and just a plain ol’ need to hate, period.  First of all, they can’t possibly address every criticism.  But most importantly, why should they?  The President and First Lady have goals, and they have a commitment to stick with them.

They are, however, in quite a different situation than you and me.  We are not receiving criticisms daily all over the Internet from trolls who have nothing better to do with their time.  The average person who is not a celebrity will just receive criticisms–both warranted and unwarranted (sadly, you can’t prevent the latter)–and you have to deal with them as best as possible, and move on.  Do your best not to dwell on it.  Takes way too much of your energy…energy that could be spent on more productive things.

REMEMBER, everyone is unique in their own way….

Some are verbose, some are succinct.
Some are emotive, some are restrained.
Some are passionate, some are apathetic.
Some are neat, some are messy.
Some choose words wisely, some are inclined to “open mouth, insert foot.”
Some fear confrontation, some do not fear confrontation.
Some are introverts, some are extroverts.
Some are tall, some are short.
Some are generous, some are stingy.
Some are kind, some are mean.
Some are narrow-minded, some are open-minded.
Some are good listeners, some are bad listeners.
Some like it hot, some like it cold.
Some see black/white, some see in numerous shades of grey.
Some are passive, some are aggressive.

You get the picture….oh, and by the way, some are also passive-aggressive…a personality disorder that is included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM)-IV.  Keep that in mind too.

The trick is this, and guess what I am going to say next?  Yes, EMPATHY.  Try to imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes.  It just might teach you something and help you become more open-minded and accepting of others.

Anyway, I just whipped up my own e-card via Some ECards of the sign I would want to flash every. single. time someone puts you in a situation that makes you feel bad:

To sum up this post:

  • Many challenges will be thrown your way during the course of your lifetime.
  • Try your best to keep things in perspective.
  • You have a voice…..use it!
  • Your voice is yours.  Don’t ever let anyone take that away from you.
  • Stay true to yourself.
  • Don’t invest any energy on anyone who is against for your whatever reason…it’s not worth it.

Be Brave, Say What You Wanna Say

Every single word in Sara Bareille’s wonderfully inspirational song “Brave” has meaning.  Very important meaning.  Funny that this song has been out for a while, and yet I’ve only heard it on the radio a couple of times before today.  Before this song, I just knew Sara to be a former judge on The Sing Off, my FAVORITE show of all shows.  Then, a few days ago, she performed the song at the People’s Choice Awards.  Today, with some leisure time on my hands, I decided to blog about this song.  Wanting to include a link to the video for this post, I watched the song’s video on YouTube.  It is just as uplifting to me as the song itself is.  What a beautiful singer, video, and lyrics!  She absolutely deserves her five 2014 Grammy nods among which are Album of the Year and Best Pop Solo Performance for such an uplifting song with meaningful lyrics….and a great beat, to boot!

I know this song was inspired by a friend of hers that was struggling to “come out,” but the words are totally fitting for bullying and everyday situations (see words below, paraphrased for everyday context):

No more running away.
     Free yourself from and face your fears.
          Be brave.
               Say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out.
                    Say what’s on your mind.
                         Don’t let your thoughts and words stay bottled up inside you.
                              What will silence accomplish?
                                   Speak up.

Words can have a powerful impact–both positive and negative.  People bully and say hurtful things to others in an attempt to make themselves feel better about themselves.  Bullies are generally proof positive that the apple tends not to fall far from the tree–the exact words used by me and a few others in a Facebook conversation I had earlier today regarding bullying behaviors of adults and children.  In other words, if parents are mean and behave in a bullying fashion to other adults and even their own family members–basically providing a non-nurturing environment for their children–then they are setting bad examples for their kids to follow suit and teaching their kids the wrong way to interact with others.  Kids in these households are often stuck in an environment that is short on love and long on abusive (emotional and sometimes even physical) situations.

Standing up for principle–and standing up for yourself– is important, especially if you know you don’t deserve someone’s negative comments.  In all too many situations in the past, especially during my painfully unpleasant teenage years and first decade or so of my career, I was the brunt of people’s jokes over my appearance, my ethnicity, and my name (“Poison Ivy”)…. and all sorts of other put downs.  As I’ve mentioned many times previously, I didn’t have any friends in my high school.  To this day, I refuse to acknowledge the town I spent over 2 decades living in, or even the high school I attended.  No point, really. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wishes there was a way to take the knowledge and experience we now have and time travel back to our teenage years and tell off the people who gave us grief.  If only I could time travel back to my high school and tell people exactly what I would tell them today.  If only…

Unfortunately, I only have regrets for what could have been.  But at least I now feel confident and empowered to say what is really on my mind.  From reading my blog–especially posts like the last one that touches on breastfeeding zealotry–you more than likely never would have thought I’d have any problems voicing my honest opinion on situations that irk me.  I certainly don’t hold back when it comes to writing.  However, responding to in-person situations is very different and has been a challenge for most of my life.  I’ve never been witty or quick-minded enough to reply to rude remarks with a spontaneous comeback.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I seem to have reached a turning point in the past couple of years in terms of being able to speak my mind–exactly what’s on my mind, unfiltered–and one example comes immediately to mind because it just happened two days ago…and ended up as a Facebook post I wrote during my fun commute home from NYC:

Me:  (addressing the guy in the row ahead of where I was trying to sit, seeing how there is like no leg room for me because his seat is so far reclined): “Excuse me, can you raise the back of your seat a tad? I’ve got short legs and they won’t even fit in that tiny space.”

Guy: (moves seat up a half inch, if that much)

Me: (squeezing underneath reclined seat): “Thank you……oh, and I’m being totally sarcastic.”

Guy: (turns and glares at me)

Guy next to me: (turns to look at me with amused look on his face)

Me: (oops, I was supposed to think that, not say that out loud, while smiling back at my neighbor…ha!)

I truly surprised myself when those words “I’m being totally sarcastic” came right out of my mouth.  You should’ve seen the look on my face when I realized what I’d just done (i.e., speaking as if I were writing my thoughts down).  So, maybe this is a turning point in comebacks for me.  :)  Or….. as I get older, I’m finding that I’m spending less time filtering and more time speaking my mind.   GO ME!!!

Being Thankful and Paying it Forward

The inspiration for today’s post came just in the nick of time for Thanksgiving.

Have you stopped to appreciate any of the gifts surrounding you?  I know some people who regularly ask themselves and share openly with others the 3 things that happened that day for which they were most grateful.  Gratitude is an important component of self care.  Gratitude is important for good health and well being, in general.

First, I’d like to share the 5 things my daughter is thankful for in this picture (I’m so proud of her work):

syd_thankful

My daughter’s gratitude turkey

As for me, I am thankful for many things on the list of 60 (link above), but the 4 things I am most thankful for are:

  1. I’m employed and I actually like my job (except when people yell at me for no good reason other than they’re lacking in self control and emotional intelligence, and that I think I deserve a lot more recognition for my efforts than I actually receive).
  2. My family.
  3. My postpartum depression (PPD) and my bullying experience during my lonely, friendless junior and high school days.
  4. My ability to be highly empathic.

Wow, my teenage and 20-something self would think I’ve lost my mind for saying I’m thankful for both my PPD and bullying experiences.  No, I haven’t lost my mind.  My PPD and bullying experiences allowed me to cultivate the EMPATHY that I’ve always possessed but didn’t always realize I had.  Because by experiencing these negative events firsthand, I can say that I TRULY understand.  I KNOW what it’s like to be excluded, gossiped about, and made fun of.  I KNOW what it’s like to be blindsided by a sudden darkness at a time that should be so happy (my first few months as a mother).

EmpathyWas I born with empathy?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I have a ton of it.  That, and after all these years, I can finally say I possess a high EQ (emotional intelligence).  Emotional intelligence is something you need to have if you want to succeed at work.  And I sure know quite a number of people who could use a greater dose of it.  Because these very same people cause my blood pressure to go up needlessly.  I keep my behavior in check and move along.  Previously, a conflict would have set me back, preventing me from being productive and making me dwell on the situation for days….basically causing me a great deal of angst.

In my recent blog post, I mentioned the two Facebook groups I belong to, in which I try to provide online support to teens and moms on a daily basis.  So, I won’t go into more detail on them now.  I just wanted to mention, since the spirit of this blog post is about being thankful, that I am thankful I have the ability to see things from someone who has had PPD and from someone who has been bullied.  That is why I have become so passionate in these two areas.

What frustrates me are conversations I have about bullying and PPD that go around in perpetual circles, like the conversation I tried to have with someone yesterday.  I cannot get certain people to truly see what it is like to be bullied or to feel hopeless to the point of wanting to end the suffering….permanently.   For every scenario I come up with — whether it be a child who is being relentlessly pursued online and being verbally tormented or stalked in person and physically attacked — these individuals will come up with a “Well, I would tell my child to avoid such situations.”  Okay…..but you can only avoid cyberbullying and physical/verbal bullying in school to a certain and all too limited extent by “unplugging” (staying off social media, not have smart phones with texting capability) and avoiding bullies in school (what about being ambushed in the bathroom or merely walking down the hall to get from one class to the next or standing at your locker?).  When kids want to bully, they can be vicious and persistent…and they WILL find ways to get around your avoidance of them.  There are some real sociopathic kids out there (take the case of the 2 girls in Lakeland, Florida, who bullied Rebecca Sedwick to death this past September).   True, as a parent, you can arm your children with approaches to minimize the likelihood of your being a target of bullying.  You can get your child involved in activities and friends–not just classmates but friends from activities outside of school like through Church, Brownies, Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts,  Boy Scouts, sports, dance, gymnastics, music, martial arts — to give him/her the opportunity to make friends outside of school, give him/her a sense of camaraderie and fellowship with others who share similar interests, as well as build self confidence and identify what he/she likes to do and is good at doing.

ISL_I will always be there for you But if your child does in fact get bullied, then you sure as heck need to come up with ways to provide SUPPORT, SUPPORT, SUPPORT.  As a parent, that’s the FIRST thing you need to do.  Support would include things like thinking about strategies, finding resources/support groups (like Stand for the Silent), documenting incidents, and finding the right places to go to to report a situation and obtain results.  All too many school officials cover up incidents, turn a blind eye, and let bullying situations get out of hand just so they don’t have to deal with it.  There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for any of that.

So, for the people who don’t understand the impact bullying can have on a child and the impact depression can have on anyone–both young and old–and why all too many feel so desperate as to end their lives, I suggest you take the time to read some of the stories that get posted on social media and in the news.  Read about Rebecca Sedwick’s case and Grace McComas’ case, join the closed Facebook group Stand for the Silent and hear firsthand about the desperation, isolation, hopelessness that some teens feel.  All too many are at the end of their rope.  And it breaks my heart.  I want to do so much more for these young folks who have so many more years ahead of them to really learn about life, learn from their experiences, and really enjoy all that life has to offer — like the arts (music, literature, motion pictures, photography), sports, nature, traveling, and even helping and making a difference for others.  With the exception of sports (ha!), all these things make me see how I was given a gift of life and I sure as heck want to appreciate all the days I’ve got left.  I’ve got my bucket list, do you?

Unfortunately, not everyone is going to have the desire to pay it forward.  Their attitude is the following when it comes to situations like bullying and PPD:

Well, I suffered.  They can suffer much in the same way I suffered, without help or support, and feeling lonely, helpless and the end of my rope.  If I survived, they can too.  If they can’t, well then I guess we’ll call it fate.

Then, specifically for bullying:

It is, after all, a rite of passage….this thing called bullying.  Parents nowadays are overprotecting their children, and as a consequence, their children will be sheltered from valuable life experiences that are supposed to begin when they are young.  If they can’t deal with bullying, then how will they ever survive a day in the life of an adult?

gratitude

I would like to end this post with this as food for thought:

What are YOU thankful for?  Have you experienced PPD or some other life-changing event, and come out of it feeling thankful for the experience and determined to turn the event into a positive by helping others get through similar events?  Please think about it.  There are many people out there in need of support.  Would you have wanted to receive support when you were in your darkest moments?  If yes, then I think you’ll find, just as I’m finding, that paying it forward will give you a great amount of pleasure knowing you are making a difference for someone else.  In fact, you could be saving a life.

Thank you for reading this blog post.  And have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

What I Would Tell My 7th Grade Self

Inspired by the post titled “To My 7th Grade Self” at the blog ronkempmusic.

Just last week (and believe me, it had nothing to do with the post that inspired me because I only read it yesterday– but it further ignited my desire to blog about what I would say to my 7th grade self, if only I could)– I caught myself telling a colleague: “If only I could go back to when I was in junior high and react/behave like my 40-something self.  Things would’ve been so different.  I would’ve given the kids in my school a piece of my mind.  I would’ve reacted/behaved in a ‘I won’t take this crap from no one’ attitude.”

Yes, if only there WERE only such a thing as time travel!

180px-StrangeAtmosphereIf there WERE such a thing, then I would go straight back to 7th grade, when the worst period of my life began and went on for a good six years until I graduated high school.  I hated that school.  My classmates treated me like I was beneath them.  I was, after all, completely lacking in self esteem, shy as all hell, unattractive, poorly dressed, unpopular, friendless and last but not least….the only Chinese girl in a class of approximately 350 students.  And boy, it was the slowest, most painful six years of my life!  If it weren’t for my Biology teacher that I befriended in 10th grade, I would’ve literally been friendless in that entire high school system.  Note: I’m talking about friendships with classmates, not friendships outside of school, which I did have.  I had friends from my Chinese school, Chinese teen club, and Chinese church.  I found making friends in my extremely caucasian–and very racist– high school quite an exercise in futility.

Back then, I HATED my life.  HATED it with every ounce of my being.  I just wanted to drop off the face of the earth.  I was lonely.  I felt like life had no purpose if I was going to be such an outcast and people who weren’t of the same ethnicity were going to be so racist toward me.  That was not a battle that, back then, I had any energy or interest in fighting.  It didn’t help that my parents and I fought all the time, and my brother and I fought all the time.

My friends and blog followers know me to have taken up the cause of not only postpartum depression advocacy, but anti-bullying advocacy as well.  As you can see, the roots of my anti-bullying advocacy date back to my 7th grade to 12th grade years.  Back then–in the late 70s, early 80s– there was no Internet, and hence, there was no such thing as cyberbullying when I was in school….and thank goodness for that!   I wasn’t bullied to the extent that kids today are bullied.  Kids said mean things to me due to my race and appearance, and no one made any attempts to be friends with me.  Didn’t help that I had no friends going into the school because I was new to the area, having just moved there in time for the start of junior high school.  Talk about LOUSY timing!

Having no Internet had its pluses and its minuses.  What minuses?  Well, for one thing, where did a teen turn for help in getting through the angst and feeling like no one understands them and what they are going through?  Going to parents wasn’t really an option, in general, for most teens….and it still isn’t really an option, in general, today.  Why?  In my case, and in the case of many first-generation-born-in-the U.S. kids, the previous generation was born and raised in a different country with different cultural standards, perspectives and practices.  As in the case of my parents, they had it much tougher than we did.  Hence, there is a gap between their experiences and yours….and never the twain shall meet.  Even if the prior generation were born here, there is STILL a generation gap.  And all too often, there are plenty of challenges due to that gap….and never the twain shall meet.

Friends with whom you trust your feelings can serve as an outlet, but I didn’t have any close enough for me to confide in.  I pretty much kept it all to myself, feeling hopeless, lost and desperate to the point that I felt like ending it all quite a number of times–but thankfully was too afraid to carry it out–with frequent lashing out at my parents for not understanding and only making things worse for me.  The huge fights we used to get into tore a huge hole in our relationship that took until after I had my own child to mend.

A non-judgmental ear and someone with experience in providing guidance/mentoring is what is needed, and usually you would find that in the form of a guidance counselor or a mental healthcare professional.  The guidance counselor in my school was absolutely of NO help, and I went to a psychiatrist once, but I had zero patience with talking to someone who looked like they didn’t really care and couldn’t make a difference.  So I never went back.

Now, getting to what I would tell my 7th grade self.  Here is what I would say:

I know you are hating life right now, but please hang on.  I know you will find it hard to believe  that you will learn to really enjoy life.  It WILL have meaning.  You will adopt a work hard, play hard, live for the day attitude.  You will grab life by the horns, determined to explore different activities, fall in love with traveling and sailing, have a family, and experience life to the fullest.

Right now, you may feel like life has no purpose, that you’d be better off not existing because then you would no longer have to endure the loneliness and each day of the tortuously slow and miserable school year for the next 6  years.  You may feel like you’re the only one who is having family challenges, but believe me, you are far from alone in that area!  So many kids have dysfunctional families.  Some are able to mend their relationships with their parents and/or siblings down the road.  Others aren’t so fortunate.  You will be able to have a much healthier relationship with your parents once you get married and have a child of your own.

I promise you that, even though you don’t feel as if you have any talents, you do!  You will find that your strength is writing, even though you will hate writing papers in high school.  You will find, with time, that you will sing in choirs for the next dozen years….all through high school, college and even in New York City choirs after you start working in New York City.  You will spend six weeks on a trip of your life in Taiwan, after which you will come back a changed person.  On that trip, you will find that you have the ability to make friends easily with anyone.  You will have a family, and in the process, have a life-changing experience that will result in your becoming a published author and blogger.  You will figure out that your purpose is to take your own personal experiences of bullying, lack of guidance/mentoring in school, and motherhood to help others.  To help others NOT to have to suffer the way you did.

You are NOT ALONE in your teen experiences.  Most teens go through what is referred to as teen angst that is the result of the hormonal changes that come with puberty.  These changes, in turn, cause emotional changes that impact behavior and even ways of thinking.  Yes, you will experiences feelings of pain and hopelessness like none other you’ve experienced to date.  You have NOT had enough life experience to develop coping skills and perspective on things that you will have after you have first gone through a number of challenges that will cross your path.  These challenges may seem unnecessary to you and only serve to make life harder for you right now, but in actuality, they will serve to make you a stronger individual.

You, my dear, are a SURVIVOR.  Believe me, things DO get better.

If only there WERE such a thing as time travel.   I wish it were possible to tell my 7th grade self ALL that, to spare the young version of me the pain that I had to suffer.  But….as Ronkempmusic blog post points out:

There are young people, right now!, right under our noses who need to hear what we would tell our like-aged self if we could…..And, more than anything else, they need to be taught that there’s nothing in the world more powerful than love, but it must start with self love……Since we can’t go back in time and teach our own younger selves, the next best thing is to pass it on to today’s youth.

This is EXACTLY what I’ve been doing lately.  Instead of merely wishing I could travel back in time to try to change the path my 7th grade self ultimately takes, I am paying it forward with kids who need the help I never got when I was growing up.  One teen resource that is part of a growing anti-bullying movement is the Stand for the Silent closed group on Facebook (more on this in an upcoming post), which has over 33,000 members from around the globe.  I joined this group a few months ago to help provide an encouraging word or two and lend a non-judgmental ear to the teens that reach out for support and encouragement.  I am now regularly commenting (for as much as time will allow) on posts others in the group–mostly teens–leave.  My goal, like many of the other members in the group, is to be there for someone, much in the way I wish someone had been there for me…in my most angst-ridden moments that started when I was in 7th grade and didn’t ease up until I went off to college.

A Must Read: Emily Bazelon’s “Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy”

Well, I am at a point in which I’ve got so many ideas, but not enough time to post anything.  Until, that is, I spotted in my Facebook news feed this morning the New York Times article by John Schwartz titled “Words That Hurt and Kill: Lessons for Society From Bullying and Its Psychic Toll” about Emily Bazelon’s book titled “Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy.”

As the title of this book suggests, the author touches on bullying–a far-from-new-phenomenon–and the importance of empathy,  defeating the culture of bullying by acknowledging its complexity, and encouraging bystanders to be upstanders (those who stand up for victims).  Laws alone will NOT prevent bullying from occurring.  I hear all the time the lament that “Well, I don’t understand why everyone is making a big deal out of bullying.  Bullying has been around forever.  I grew up with bullying.  My parents grew up with bullying.  Back then, we just dealt with it.  Nowadays, kids don’t seem to want or know how to deal with it.  Instead, they’re copping out by killing themselves.”

Well, as I’ve mentioned in prior posts, don’t forget that we are now in the age of social media.  Back when I was a kid, there was NO social media.   Heck, there weren’t even cell phones.  With text messaging, Youtube videos, Facebook, Twitter, and a whole host of sites you don’t even want to know about but are popular among teens, the impact of bullying can be extremely devastating to a young person who hasn’t mastered coping, self care and real-world survival skills, may be lacking in self esteem,  and may not get much in the way of support and encouragement from family members and friends.  The bar has been raised in terms of the extent of cruelty that individuals are capable of carrying out because these are no longer face to face confrontations.  Take, for example, trolls.  We have all witnessed at least one troll in action in our interactions online.  Usually, it’s in the form of a nonsensical and completely outrageous and completely off-tangent remark that is filled with hate.  You wouldn’t normally see these comments spoken to someone in person, right?    Yes, it’s so much easier to be cruel online than it is in person.

In terms of the in-person bullying, the isolation tactics and backstabbing of cliquey girls, the racist remarks, the physical intimidation tactics, the verbal intimidation tactics….these still occur in school.  If schools and home life are anything like what I experienced back when I was a teenager–i.e., lack of school counselor support and awareness on the part of school staff, lack of support at home, lack of upstanders, lack of empathy–these behaviors (with or without the social media) can result in a very detrimental experience for the bullied child.  I believe depression rates are higher now than they’ve ever been before.  Maybe because more people are speaking up about their experiences and with the aid of social media, news and information on bullying incidents are much more accessible to everyone than ever before, there is the perception that depression rates are higher.  At the same time, access to mental healthcare services in this country is still so sadly lacking.  And then you have the extreme situations, like Columbine and Virginia Tech, in which the bullied exact their revenge.  I don’t remember incidents like those growing up.  Nope, I don’t.

Ms. Bazelon touches on some points that I have previously touched upon:

  • Some individuals are more resilient (via a combination of genetics and environmental factors) and will tend to come out of bullying and cyberbullying incidents much less scathed than those who are more susceptible to depression, anxiety and other mood disorders.  It would be nice if we can figure out just which students fall into each bucket to increase the likelihood of preventing situations from developing and/or getting out of hand.
  • It was only in the past decade that states put the first anti-bullying laws in place, in the aftermath of Columbine, Phoebe Prince’s bullycide (MA), Tyler Clementi’s bullycide (NJ).
  • There seems to be a tendency to label non-bullying behaviors as bullying.  In other words, people are using the word “bullying” so much that this overuse is diluting true acts of bullying.  We need to stop overusing the word because it is not helping matters.

Ms. Bazelon is clearly objective in her presentation of situations she writes about in her book, even as far as showing what I refer to as a neutral take for the sake of presenting the science behind teenage behavior (i.e., the part of the brain that manages impulsiveness and judgment, referred to as the frontal lobe, is not fully developed as of yet) and why the punishment of teenagers is meted out in juvenile rather than adult terms.  Though that is far from an excuse for certain atrocious behaviors that bullying can all too often entail (and believe me, when I read about some of these bullying cases, I wish for every last person that has anything to do with a child’s bullycide to be punished to the FULLEST extent of the law), as they become adults and as long as they are provided counseling (instead of jail time), bullies can see the error of their ways and shed their bullying selves completely.  Some bullies have even gone as far as becoming anti-bullying activists with a mission to speak to schools around the country.

This book needs to be read by not just middle and high school staff, but by all parents.  I fervently believe as many people as possible should read it so there is a widespread understand of the culture of bullying, how to prevent it, how to support the victims, and how to inspire bystanders to become upstanders.

The article leave us with this nugget to chew on as we look at the road before us.  A road in which we need minds to come together to figure out how we need to handle bullying, given all the complexities Ms. Bazelon mentions in her book:

“Ultimately, Ms. Bazelon wisely warns us, we still have to try to let kids be kids.  [Otherwise] ‘We risk raising kids who don’t know how to solve problems on their own, withstand adversity or bounce back from the harsh trials life inevitably brings.’ And so, she says with a sigh: ‘It’s a tricky balance to strike, the line between protecting kids and policing them. But we have to keep trying to find it.’”

Please click here and here to previous blog posts for more links on previous posts relating to teen angst, depression, and bullying…and why I write about it so much on this postpartum depression blog.

If I Survived PPD, I Can Survive Most Anything

Since the new year began, I’ve had several situations loom over my head like a dark, ominous cloud.   All sorts of situations that I won’t get into detail here.  I’ve posted recently about and shared with friends in recent weeks the fact that I seem to have reached a turning point with the publication of my book.  A turning point in which I promised myself I would no longer let ghosts of my past continue to keep their stronghold over me.  My personal mantra has become “If I survived postpartum depression (PPD), I can survive most anything.”

In essence, ever since the start of this year–and it’s merely a coincidence that I’m vowing to stay on this path right now, at the beginning of 2013, but this is NOT any kind of new year’s resolution because I never make any–it’s like I’ve been self administering cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) by realizing how certain ways of thinking and behavior are self-defeating and highly detrimental to me and then telling myself to think and respond differently.  Basically, I’m going to be more self nurturing.  Because, you know what?  I’M WORTH IT.

So, what exactly am I going to do differently?  Well, for starters:

  1. I am going to say what’s on my mind when people say obnoxious things to me. I used to hold back, only to kick myself afterwards for doing so.
  2. I’m not going to let old crippling thoughts take control of me, like automatically thinking “Why me” and retreating under my covers (both figuratively and literally) in despair.
  3. I’m not automatically going to cower in defeat like a dog with its tail between its legs when I experience ANY kind of bullying–whether it be at work or online.  By “any” kind of bullying, I mean isolation tactics too, as excluding people deliberately is a form of bullying.
  4. I am going to continue my mission in maternal mental health advocacy, of helping moms feel less alone in their PPD experience through this blog.  I may be writing less frequently because, as time goes on, the anger that ignited the passion in this blog is waning.  Yes, anger used to fuel the stream of words that easily appeared in my blog posts.  Without anger, there is no passion.  Without passion, words fail me.
  5. I would like to increase my efforts when it comes to anti-bullying advocacy and providing support to teens struggling with issues of self esteem and bullying (support I needed but never got when I was a teenager).  For example, on January 30th, I learned about Noah’s struggle, and I immediately started to write a letter to him and didn’t stop that evening until I completed it.  I know and am very happy that so many caring individuals have written to Noah.  You can still do so.  He is turning 13 on Friday, February 8th.  Click here to see the Letters for Noah Facebook page where you can find out how you can help.
  6. And last, but certainly not least, I am not going to let my fear of speaking prevent me from speaking in front of people–be it on PPD (and my book) and/or on bullying.  They say some people fear public speaking more than they fear death.  Well, while that may not necessarily be the case for me, it comes pretty darn close.  I’ve been and will continue to keep the valuable tips I gleaned from Nicole of NWK Consultants in mind during speaking opportunities.

Basically, I am determined not to have any reason for karma to come biting me in the a$$ one day.  I want to live out the rest of my days knowing that I will do the best I can for my family, myself and whoever else I can help along the way.  I want to provide the kind of help I didn’t have when I was a teen and then a new mom struggling with PPD–both situations in which I felt alone and desperate.

This sign, which I stumbled across on Facebook and pinned a couple days ago, says it all for me.  I keep these words firmly engrained in my mind whenever there is a hint of thought that wants to derail my self esteem and put me on the glass half empty train.

If the words of this sign pertain to you, may it give you the strength to carry on as it is helping me.

BE PROUD OF YOURSELF.

Hey Doc, Ask Me Why

Happy New Year!  It’s been 17 days since my last post.  Christmas is my favorite holiday, but with Christmas comes a lot of preparation (e.g., shopping, decorating, having people over).  So much goes into preparation for a holiday that lasts as long as any other day.  And *poof* it’s over.  And then the new year comes around.  And I am NOT crazy about celebrating new years.  Nope, not at all.  It’s just another reminder that time is flying by at warp speed.  Speaking of warp speed, here’s a picture that popped up in my Facebook news feed from George Takei of Star Trek fame on New Year’s Day.  It says it all for me.

Well, anyway, I’ve been waiting for that one blog post / news article to inspire me to blog….and I finally found one today.  Today, my inspiration came up on my Facebook newsfeed from two individuals dedicated to the fight against bullying:  Jessica from My Kindness Counts and Mike Urry from His Name Was Steven.

Watch this (*** This video may be triggering if you are suffering from depression***):

The video shows several teens urging on doctors to ask “Why” a young individual is complaining of not being able to sleep and/or having chronic stomach aches and/or headaches and/or experiencing weight loss.  It’s because, as the video states,  “Sometimes what’s bothering your patients isn’t visible to the naked eye.”  Bullying is the cause of all too many missed days of school for kids/teens, both out of fear of being bullied and due to the oftentimes debilitating physical symptoms caused by anxiety and depression.  Doctors shouldn’t merely whip out their script pad and start scribbling out prescriptions for antidepressants and/or medications to relieve physical symptoms, like stomach aches and headaches.  They should ask “Why.  Why are you not able to sleep, have stomach aches and/or have headaches?  What’s going on?  How’s school?  If you feel the need to talk to someone about what is going on, I can recommend someone.  Sometimes, all it takes is for someone who understands what you are going through to help you see that you are not alone and you will get through this.”

All doctors who have young patients need to know the correlation of certain symptoms during certain times in a young person’s life might be tied to teenage angst/depression.  Here’s an excerpt in my book that speaks to all this:

[Depression] is misunderstood not just by the public at large, but by medical professionals as well, and largely because there is no singular cause. Though the word depression implies a mental condition that impacts a person’s thoughts and feelings, its symptoms—caused by a combination of biological and psychosocial factors—are physical, affecting the way a person eats, sleeps, and functions……..Before I experienced PPD, I…..thought feeling sad was the same thing as being depressed. But now I know better. I know that depression not only causes an individual to feel low and hopeless, it can also change sleep and eating patterns and cause a whole host of other physiological symptoms. I seriously think the difference should be taught in school at a young age so kids don’t grow into adults still confusing the two terms with each other. That would be one way to combat the stigma!

[Sleep] and appetite disturbances (including nausea, diarrhea, stomach pain) are physical symptoms of depression, while mood swings, sadness, and restlessness are emotional symptoms of depression.

Those who aren’t aware that these physical and emotional symptoms are due to depression and anxiety will, instead of seeking treatment for those mood disturbances, mistakenly think that the digestive system is to blame for the appetite disturbances, stomach pain, nausea, and diarrhea. The diagnosis may turn out to be irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) that is usually caused by stress, with the goal of treating the irritable bowel, when the underlying cause, which is anxiety in this case, is not properly addressed.

And if you read the following excerpt from my book, you’ll see why this video got my attention so much.  It’s disturbing just how lacking in knowledge of mental health issues (or even teenage issues, in general) doctors were back when I was a teenager….and how it hasn’t changed much, apparently, three decades later.

With PPD, I suffered from lack of appetite and rapid weight loss. I never had that growing up. My teenage weight was always steady and under one hundred pounds. (Wow, those were the good ol’ days!) I was just prone to anxiety, which caused such physical symptoms as dry heaving, nausea, and stomachaches. You would think my doctor back then would have attributed those symptoms to anxiety, but it never came up. He never asked me questions to try to get to the bottom of it. Not much difference in the medical profession from the 1970s and now. What a shame! I can distinctly recall experiencing dry heaves each morning as I was getting ready for school, not having any appetite to eat breakfast but forcing it down anyway because my mother insisted I eat. Upset stomachs and a burning sensation in my gut were a regular occurrence…..ultimately my nervous stomach occurrences slowly but surely stopped after I graduated from high school. If you looked at my photos from my junior high and high school years, you’d see a shell of a person—all skinny, withdrawn, and unhappy looking.

So, are you hearing us, docs?  You go into the medical profession wanting to help others to stay healthy and to treat their health issues.  Well, I sincerely hope medical schools are ensuring that doctors-in-training recognize the symptoms of depression and treat their patients accordingly.  And for general practitioners who currently have young patients, I sincerely hope they are well aware of the issues that youths face and know when they should ask “Why.”

NOTE:  Please refer to my recent blog post for more links on previous posts relating to teen angst, depression, and bullying…and why I write about it so much on this postpartum depression (PPD) blog.

We Need Empathy and Anti-Bullying Programs in Every School, Not to Mention Make Our Mental Healthcare System a National Priority!

*** This post may be triggering if you are suffering from depression and are sensitive to negative news events ***

Today was a day that will go down in the history books as one of the worst school shootings in this country.  So many young children and school employees killed.  I write with a heavy heart.  I am praying for the families who have lost loved ones in today’s tragedy.  And I am praying for all the survivors who witnessed what happened.

It’s very coincidental that I have been planning to put up in the next day or so another post about bullying, teenage angst, empathy, and the state of our current school culture and what I believe we desperately need if we are to make a difference for our children.  They are our future.

The way it works for me is, as I come across articles in the news/blog posts that catch my interest, if I don’t have time to blog about it right away, I save them to my “Next Posts” folder to provide inspiration for future blog posts.  I have the following 6 links about bullying and empathy saved in that folder:

Onward to Change:

Support for Teens:

Educational Info:

Links to Resources:

  • Please refer to the Anti-bullying/Teen Resources links I list on the right side of my blog
  • Please refer to my recent blog post for more links on previous posts relating to teen angst, depression, and bullying…and why I write about it so much on this PPD blog
  • Start Empathy Facebook page

I’m writing this post to help me process the news that hit me as I left work today.  I had no idea this had even happened until after 3:00 pm today, hours after it took place, because I never had a chance to go onto the Internet, as it was a really busy day at work and no one at work brought it up…..not until a colleague mentioned it to me shortly before I was supposed to leave the office for the weekend.

I posted this on my Facebook timeline on my way home from work:

We really need to do something that will end these senseless killings. More mental health programs, for one. More empathy programs in schools too. In all school systems, for all school-aged children. I think if we made these changes, we have a better shot at making a difference.

It will take a few days for the investigation to determine the circumstances that led to this tragedy.  But seeing how it happened in a school, like so many of the other school massacres that took place in the past decade, I am pretty certain that it’s issues stemming from school days/environment that drove the shooter to choose this school as the backdrop for seeking vengeance or playing out whatever was going on his mind, spurred on by what could have been years of bullying and/or other emotionally scarring incidents that occurred in school.

I cannot even begin to imagine what the families who lost their children are going through.  Tears welled up in my eyes during my commute home and before, during and after dinner with my family.  And now I sit here with a lump in my throat. And then I see my news feed show posts and links to blog posts criticizing anyone who would express any opinions on the tragedy.  In all honesty, I’m not writing this post out of disrespect for those who were senselessly killed today or their families now grieving.   I am so sad, I had to get my thoughts out.

I suffered from postpartum depression (PPD), and now I’m a PPD advocate.  I wasn’t about to let my experience merely fade away with my recovery.  I want to share my story and try to help others, to make a difference for other moms by making them feel less alone in their experience and help empower them with knowledge so they can understand why it happens so they feel less guilty and more empowered to recognize symptoms and know their treatment options.  I want to help spread awareness and stomp out the stigma associated with mental health issues (not just maternal).  Bottom line, I’m trying to prevent other moms from suffering the way that I had suffered.

Back during my school days, I was a victim of prejudism and bullying, and now I’m an anti-bullying advocate.  I want to do what I can to make a difference for children and teenagers who feel alone in their experience, lack self esteem, and don’t know where to go for support–all of which describes the nightmare of my teenage years, from the time I started 7th grade until I left for college.  Bottom line, I’m trying to prevent other youth from suffering the way that I had suffered.

As I conclude this post, I just wanted to ask that we all hold our loved ones closer as we struggle to process this senseless tragedy.   If you’re wondering, like I’m wondering, how we can put an end to tragic suicides and shootings in our schools, ask yourselves:

  • Do we want to end bullying and bullycides?  If so, then realize we have the power to make a difference….don’t just continue to sit there and complain about the incidents of bullying and bullycide. Let’s work within our communities to come up with ways to prevent these incidents from happening.  We can’t wait for schools to do it because schools are dependent on budgets, and as we all know, budgets now are being cut down to the lowest levels ever.  We have to think outside the box.  Where it concerns the safety of our children, we can no longer tolerate the “Oh, but we can’t establish anti-bullying / empathy programs because it will cost us money that we don’t have” attitudes we’ve had for years.  If it takes state anti-bullying laws to be passed, like in New Jersey, then so be it.  If state laws are not passed, then we need to work with the Board of Education and district schools to incorporate empathy in each school’s curriculum and/or establish empathy programs for all school-age children from Kindergarten through 12th grade.
  • Do we teach our kids to treat others as we would want to be treated ourselves?   If so, then be a positive role model and lead by example.  Model empathy in our daily interactions with others.   Have your child be kind to and accepting of his/her fellow students, and avoid excluding others because that, after all, is a form of bullying.  Encourage him/her to stand up for others who are being bullied, rather than acting as merely a bystander.
  • Do we want to help our children/teens find the right help/support when we realize they are experiencing challenges in school and/or emotional/behavioral issues (e.g., lack of self esteem, depression, cutting, eating disorders)?   If so, then we need to find the right resources (i.e., counseling, mental health professionals, online support) for him/her as soon as possible.  Do not assume that it must just be some passing phase/part of growing up, being in denial that your child may need such help.  DO NOT WAIT and think that things will resolve on their own because they WON’T.  Put aside any qualms about stigma relating to mental health issues, as it’s not going to help your child.

We need to strive to make our schools safe for our children and for the staff to whom we entrust the care of our children.  In the words of our President: “We’re going to have to come together and take meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this, regardless of the politics.”    Granted, we are no doubt in need of stricter regulations that will help prevent the wrong people from getting access to guns.  But much more importantly, we are in dire need when it comes to improvements in mental healthcare.   Former First Lady Mr. Rosalynn Carter’s book “WITHIN OUR REACH: Ending the Mental Health Crisis” is a must read if you want to get a better understanding of the reality of our mental healthcare system as it stands today.  I’m sure there are many other books that can be read about this, but her book was the only one I’ve read (she signed my copy of it at the Postpartum Support International and Marce Society conference I attended in 2010).  It’s a quick read and  does a very good job summarizing today’s state of affairs.  This article I just stumbled across on Alternet.com titled “In the Wake of Another Mass Shooting, Let’s Talk About America’s Dangerously Gutted Mental Healthcare System,” by Lynn Stuart Parramore is also a must-read.

WE NEED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!   Or we are going to continue to see bullying and cyberbullying–and unfortunately shootings–claiming the lives of innocent young people.

October is National Bullying Awareness Month

*** This post may be triggering if you are suffering from depression and are sensitive to negative news events ***

Boy, am I ever late in writing this blog post, with only 2-1/2 days left to October!   Things have been ever soooo busy in my neck of the woods!   While there are so many articles out there about bullying from not just this one month but in general, I wanted to focus on a few things right here, right now.  It took me a couple weeks to process the Amanda Todd story and feel ready to post my thoughts in a blog post.

Here goes…

1.  The frequency of bullying is increasing.

2.  Parents and other adults are crucial in role modeling and raising the younger generation to be empathetic.

3.  Twitter and Facebook must find a way to help monitor activity for suicidal warnings.  There must be a way for these 2 extremely popular and key social media sites to partner with an organization like National Suicide Prevention to intervene when there is a clear risk for suicide in a tweet/post.  Either that, or it’s simply a matter of parents and/or other loved ones who also use these sites to “friend” their kids on Facebook  and open a Twitter account to “follow” them (plenty of people use pseudonyms).

4.  Parents need to be engaged and aware of their children’s activities, especially their online activities (including blocking inappropriate sites that are a breeding ground for disaster when it comes to their own children’s well-being and–should their children be the ones tormenting someone else’s children online–the well-being of other children).

5.  Bystanders–be it other students, people online (if this relates to cyber-bullying), and/or teachers–should speak up when they witness any bullying incidents.  If everyone maintains the attitude that it’s “Not my concern,” we will stay in this rut that we find ourselves in, with children feeling unnecessarily alone, desperate, and hopeless….and feeling like they have no other options to help them escape their torment and pain but to end their own lives.

The Amanda Todd case raises awareness of how relentless cyber-bullying can be and how vicious people (kids, teens, adults) can behave when it comes to someone whom they DON’T EVEN KNOW.  Her case is an example of how a misunderstood teenage girl felt so alone in her suffering, was unfortunate enough (and to this day I don’t even know how this got as far as it did….where were the parents in all this?) to have encountered what was likely a pedophile (the police are still investigating and I truly hope they find this scumbag) who stalked her–and whose actions of taking advantage of a young girl online–started her off on a road of torment, harassment, and constant school moves to try to escape the kids who made fun of her and even beat her up.

EVERY SINGLE PERSON who contributed to Amanda’s torment must be held accountable and receive punishment befitting their involvement.  Their actions led to the death of someone.  In my book, it’s equivalent to a gang of bullies physically beating someone to death with their bare hands.  And the countless hate pages that went up after she died?  Instead of letting her spirit rest in peace, they are hell bent on tormenting it even after death.  These people are so rotten, so malicious, and so vile.  The pure evil and hate that exists out there is horrific.  How these people can stand to behave like this and feel good about themselves is beyond me!  Let’s just say that if justice doesn’t prevail with the police knocking on their doors, then I pray that KARMA will!

Rant over….

You may wonder how all this has anything to do with postpartum depression (PPD).  It’s important to remember that many cases of depression surface during the teenage years and follow you throughout life.  One of the primary risk factors of PPD is a history of depression. I delve into relevant statistics and risk factors in my book.

  1. Nature Versus Nurture in Relation to PPD
  2. PMS versus PMDD

And you may be interested in checking out my prior posts relating to teenage years, some of which do specifically address bullying as an epidemic in this society (scroll down to see my links to Anti-Bullying/Teen Resources on the right side of my blog, along with all my other links):

  1. Bullying and Suicide…Teen Angst and Depression
  2. The Mental Cost Behind a Nomadic Childhood Experience
  3. Depression and Teen Suicides…It Will Get Better
  4. You are Perfect to Me, Says the Parent to the Child
  5. Empathy Makes the World Go Round
  6. New Jersey Leads the Way Yet Again
  7. Disturbing Teenage Trend…Hey Stranger, Do You Think I’m Ugly or Pretty?
  8. 121Help.Me – A 24/7 Youth Helpline
  9. I Am Titanium
  10. Join the Anti-Bullying Movement

I’m going to end this post with the following food for thought:
All of us have the power to make a difference.  We just have to work together to effect positive change.  Please.  Let’s stop this horrible epidemic.  Now.

I Am Titanium

I’ve loved David Guetta’s song Titanium since the first time I heard it on the radio several weeks ago.  And today I decided I had to blog about it.  Why?  Because the lyrics hit so, so close to home for me.  And the music (instrumentals by David Guetta, vocals sung beautifully and hauntingly by Sia) is awesome too!

This is my interpretation of the song………

You can speak as loud as you want, but I can’t hear you.
You can criticize me all you want, but all your words just ricochet.
Why?  Because I’m bulletproof.
You can try to shoot me down, but I will keep on getting up.
You can fire away at me with your words, but I won’t fall.
Why? Because I’m titanium.
You can cut me down with your mean words, but it’s you who have more to lose.
Why? Because sticks and stones may break my bones and words will never hurt me.
You are just wasting your time, and you will one day look back and realize what you did was wrong.
Oh?  And no one likes bullies.

I appreciate the music and David Guetta’s lyrics….but not necessarily the official video.  After I watched it a few times, I felt the ending leaves people hanging at the end.  Try as I might, I couldn’t feel positive about the ending.   What happens to the kid and the SWAT team?  The kid in the beginning is in a school setting, coming to after what appears to be a blast in the hallway.  When I watched it for the first time, I’m like, okay, was this a kid that was bullied?  I realize this video is about inner strength, but the whole supernatural powers theme is a bit of a stretch.  With these wonderful lyrics, Guetta could have made it all about bullying and inner strength, teaching youth–at a time that bullying is so much in the spotlight–that you ARE strong and you WON’T let the bully–despite all his attempts to exert dominance–get his jollies by making you feel like crap.

And it’s for that reason that I am posting a link to the YouTube video with the real lyrics rather than the official Titanium video.

Now, looking back at my teenage years, I wish I had had access to these lyrics and the many resources that exist for teenagers today.  Teenagers who, as I had blogged about in past posts, struggle with their self esteem, with other kids saying mean things, behaving meanly, isolating, backstabbing, laughing at you, and gossiping.  Those days sucked for me.  And to those who stumble on this blog post and are in the same boat, please remember that NOT ALL people out there are that way.  There are resources to help you deal with what is troubling you.

And just remember, you are MUCH BETTER than they are.  You have the ability to be strong.  Just like the song lyrics say, you can walk away/ignore them.  No matter what they say or do, you will stay strong.  Never mind what nasty things others people say.  It’s not you, it’s them.  They will eventually learn that what they did was wrong.

Those of you who have followed my blog know that I’ve blogged about teenagers being at their most vulnerable emotionally, adjusting to their physical/hormonal changes and having to cope with self esteem issues.  Depression rates climb in teen years.  For girls, depression means a greater risk for postpartum depression (PPD) down the road.  This is so important and I hope one day will be understood by the general population.  With understanding will come a reduction in the number of moms suffering from PPD and the stigma associated with maternal mental health issues.

Wow, Didn’t Realize My Join the Anti-Bullying Movement Post Comes Up First in Searches!

I’m surprised to say that, and I only realized this a couple of days ago, that the 1st link that comes up under the term “Join the Anti-Bullying Movement” on Yahoo and Google is mine!  It’s not as if I coined the phrase, and it’s not a new concept, so not sure why…especially since my blog is dedicated primarily to postpartum depression/maternal mental health issues and awareness.  But I’ll take it!  :)

This is an important issue, and it is so disheartening when you hear, just today that another child, this time a 14 year old in Iowa, has become another victim of bullycide (the term used for children who commit suicide as a consequence of bullying).   Bullying must stop!  The only way that’s going to happen, though, is for students, school staff, and parents to band together and prevent further tragedies from occurring.  No child should have to feel so victimized that they succumb to depression, low self esteem, cutting, etc.  I guest posted a few days ago over at the blog My Kindness Counts about my reflections on the movie “Bully” that was recently released.  My post includes things we can all do to to try to put an end to bullying. My Kindness Counts is written by a young girl named Jessica, whose mission is to encourage young people from around the nation to work together to come up with more positive ways to address bullying in our communities.   I applaud her efforts, as well as the efforts of a growing number of other young folks in this country, to try to help fellow teens get through what I refer to as some of the most challenging years of their lives.

The roots of depression most often stem from early childhood through teenage years.  Early bonding experiences with parents, stability of living conditions, quality friendships and an environment in which the parents serve as positive role models and are nurturing are key to minimizing self esteem issues that seem to be what so many youth struggle with.  Verbal, emotional and physical abuse, a parent(s) that is depressed and/or an alcoholic, and bullying in school all take a tremendous toll on a child’s sense of security and self esteem.  The result of low self esteem include eating disorders, cutting, doing drugs, drinking, and depression. It doesn’t help that the teenage years are a time in which physical and behavioral changes occur that challenge self confidence levels and a sense of identity (in which a sense of belonging is important) as well.  The way a young person reacts to adversity, like bullying for example, depends on his/her overall emotional health and level of self confidence.

Our youth represent our future.  Let’s help make sure their teenage years are positive experiences.  Let’s help make sure depression rates don’t continue to climb.  Let’s build a culture of empathy.  Let’s speak up about mental health issues and keep the attitudes about these issues going in a positive direction via the daily dialogues we have, rather than continuing to sweep them under the rug with a See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, there’s nothing wrong, they’ll get over it, attitude….and an attitude that perpetuates the stigma and ignorance that has kept us in the dark, all blind, deaf, and mute for far too long.  The statistics indicate that each and every one of us knows someone who is struggling with depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, or some other mental illness.  We need to get a grip on reality, smell the coffee…whatever!  You get the picture….or do you?  I surely hope so!

Join the Anti-Bullying Movement

I am excited!  Why?  There is steadily growing support and realization that something must be done to stop the bullying that is so negatively impacting our youth.  Bullying hurts.  It hurts emotionally.  It damages self esteem at a time when kids are at their most vulnerable…their teenage years. Bullying causes depression.  Bullying has the potential to kill.  And this includes cyber bullying.

States like New Jersey are trying to keep bullying at bay with legislation. In fact, 36 states include cyberbullying in their anti-bullying laws.  But what I see happening here in New Jersey is that our school systems are struggling with the Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights.  What we also need is awareness.  Kids and parents alike must all be aware that bullying is an extremely serious matter that can potentially have irreversible consequences.  Now with social media so prevalent, with technological capabilities like texting, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube videos, and the Internet in general, we need to consider cyber bullying as a huge concern.  Parents need to know how best to ensure their children’s safety while using such social media.  Speaking of which, I will be attending an anti-bullying and cyberbullying session for parents in my school district next Thursday night.

Some of my regular blog followers already know how I feel about bullying, as they’ve seen me blog in the past about it.  So, what’s it all got to do with postpartum depression (PPD)?  It’s important to remember that many cases of depression surface during the teenage years and follow you throughout life.  One of the primary risk factors of PPD is a history of depression. I delve into relevant statistics and risk factors in my book. And you may be interested in checking out this previous post about bullying, which includes many links to articles/resources.  Here’s another previous post you may be interested in checking out, written in the wake of Tyler Clementi’s suicide in 2010.

If you haven’t heard by now, the Weinstein Company is behind the new movie “Bully” coming to certain theaters throughout the country, starting with New York City next Friday, March 30th!   From the bottom of my heart, thank you Harvey Weinstein, for putting a spotlight on such an important issue!  You may have heard that there are efforts underway to try to change the “R” rating (due to the use of the F word six times) to a PG-13 rating.  I along with the over 463,000 people who have signed the petition started by 17-year-old Katy Butler, fervently believe that this movie must be seen by all middle and high school students!

I love Cynthia Lowen’s Huffington Post article titled “Give Kids the Respect They’re Due,” which supports the rationale for leaving the F words in the movie.

“BULLY bears witness to the violence, intimidation, threats, derogation and abuse 13 million American kids will experience this year. We made this film to give voice to those for whom bullying is a daily reality and to honestly depict bullying in such a way as to make it impossible to dismiss as ‘kids being kids’ or a ‘normal’ rite of passage…… To take away this language, or prevent kids from hearing the words that reflect their own experiences, is to look the other way, to gloss over the suffering and to continue to perpetrate the myth that has allowed bullying to become so entrenched in our communities. To pretend this language doesn’t exist denies bullied kids who wake up day after day, and get on that bus, or walk through the halls of their schools, knowing the gauntlet of harm they’re likely to face, the dignity and acknowledgement of bravery they’re due.”

What I’d like to ask you to do is to join me in the anti-bullying movement today.  Here are some of the ways in which you can do so, other than reading my two previous posts on the topic (links in the body of my post above):

  1. Click here to find out more about the movie and to watch the trailer.  Go see it, if it comes to a theater near you!  I will be going to see it soon after the New York City premiere happening on March 30th.
  2. If you haven’t yet signed the petition, please do so!
  3. Have you taken a photo with the NO BULLY sign yet?
  4. Become familiar with your state’s anti-bullying laws. Participate in your school district’s anti-bullying initiatives.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for joining the movement!

New Jersey Leads the Way Yet Again

Taking another quick break from my manuscript revising to drop a quick post on the passage of the Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights–New Jersey’s anti-bullying law and what is being deemed the toughest of its kind–that went into effect on September 1, 2011.  Click here to read more about it in Time article by Adam Cohen on September 6, 2011. Once again, New Jersey is leading the way in passing laws to try to prevent unnecessary suffering of its citizens–in this case, victims of the cruel, prejudiced behavior all too often seen in our school systems.  Victims being taunted verbally and even physically at times, leading to a feeling of isolation and ultimately depression that teens are particularly susceptible to as they struggle with their own identities at a time of physical changes, thanks to our hormones having such a huge biopsychosocial impact (e.g., self-esteem issues, wanting to fit in and be liked) that cause such upheaval for so many boys and girls as they transition from child to adult.  It’s a shame such laws are even needed at all, but we need to act in the best interests of our citizens.  Things are not getting prettier and more empathetic out there, in my humble (and all too realistic) opinion.  If we can’t succeed at proactively teaching empathy among our children, we need to at least proactively address (or even try to prevent) the bullying that is inevitable in our school systems. Let’s face it, there will always be the handful of mean kids that may one day go too far and do something to someone that could someday mean life or death.  As you can guess I’m all for this law.  I only wish it had passed when I was growing up. 

Back in 2006, the New Jersey Postpartum Depression Law took effect–the first of its kind with respect to mandatory screening of new mothers for postpartum depression (PPD)–to help ensure early diagnosis and treatment of new mothers suffering from an illness that people fail to realize is the #1 complication of childbirth.  As I’ve said before, people who think screening is an intrusion of privacy and just another example of how government is turning Big Brother on us need to realize that healthcare providers are required to screen, but patients are able to decline, the few harmless questions to determine if a new mother is symptomatic of PPD–a valid concern since one out of eight new moms suffer from it!  As you can guess, I’m all for this law as well.  I only wish it had passed before I had my daughter back in 2004!

People may poke fun of New Jersey, but I kinda like it here.  And these are but some of the reasons why.  Other states who don’t already have anti-bullying and PPD screening laws in place should seriously think about following New Jersey’s example.