Flashback to My Hospital Hell Week

One and a half weeks ago, I had a physical…my first one in about 2 years.   This was a brand new doctor I just started to see in the past year, and I’m so glad I found her.  I finally found a doctor I like!!!!   Not only did she feel the cyst that has been present in my right breast for the past 1-1/2 years (and my own gynecologist never even felt), she ordered a stool test….my very first one ever…..and the hemoccult was positive, unfortunately.  

So, not only am I worried about now having to see a breast specialist to completely rule out a tumor, I had to see a GI who scheduled me for a colonoscopy in a few weeks.  Now, with the colonoscopy, since the prep is such a pain in the neck — i.e., full day of a clear liquid diet (including non-red jello) prior to the procedure and having to drink 2 10 oz. bottles of citrate of magnesia and take 4 Ducolax tablets to completely flush out everything — I opted to schedule my colonoscopy for the next Saturday available, which is a full month away and either take the day before it off from work or work from home so I can be close to the bathroom.

Well, I nearly had a breakdown in the doctor’s office when they walked me through the procedure .   It’s not so much the “flushing” process that I’m afraid of, though who in their right mind would not mind having to drink the nasty stuff that will completely empty your bowels for hours straight so much so that it’s advised that I “remain within easy reach of toilet facilities.”  I’ve done this once before when I had to have a CT scan, which is how they determined that I had a dermoid cyst on my ovary rather than cancer back in 2001.  I’ve done it before, I can do it again.  Granted, it’s a pain in the neck, but not a really big deal, relatively speaking. 

But when I was told that, on the day before the colonoscopy, I had to avoid solid food and instead “drink plenty of clear liquids-water, tea, coffee, broth, jello, fruit juice and carbonated drinks (no red liquids or jello),” I flashed back to my hospital “hell week.”  I nearly broke down at the doctor’s office and once I got home.  It was the words “clear liquid diet” that sent shivers down my spine and brought me back to the hospital “hell week” that I suffered after I had my baby.   After all, I was on a clear liquid diet for practically the whole time I was in the hospital, wanting to eat but not being allowed to.   What a painful flashback to that horrible, horrible time this visit to the GI’s office turned out to be.  And now I have to endure a month of waiting and worrying….worrying not so much about the actual colonocopy itself–though the GI had to inform me of the risks associated with having to remove polyps if there are in fact any in my colon–but in preparation the day before. 

Please, God, help me to get through this.  I hope I will not worry too much about this, because the last time I had clear liquids and was not allowed to eat solid foods, I was about to begin my PPD journey.


5 thoughts on “Flashback to My Hospital Hell Week

  1. I’m pulling for you! But man, isn’t it crazy how these things can trigger our PPD anxiety? For me, it can be as simple as a toy that plays music and I immediately flashback. It’s so scary and I know how you feel. I was just telling my husband in the car today that I can’t even really think about what happened for too long because I am terrified that even thinking about my days crying in bed, not sleeping and having no appetite for food or wanting to hold my baby will cause me to backslide into that darkness. I know, logically, it’s not going to happen but that little voice in my head whispers that there’s always a teeny possibility. What I do (and hopefully this will help you) is think of all the things I can do now that I couldn’t when I had PPD. I can sleep through the night without an anxiety attack. I can cuddle my son, rock him to sleep, and soothe him when he cries without worrying that I might lose my mind. I can have normal conversations and laugh and drink a glass of wine and think how great it is to have such a wonderful family. I can also pat myself on the back for being a mother who is involved and present and not constantly judging her parenting skills. Maybe make yourself a list and it will help you remember that your PPD is just that, a bad memory. In the meantime, I am praying for you!!

    • Thank you SO much, Hilary…it means so much to know that you are thinking of and praying for me! And thank you for stopping by to leave me this very supportive note! ~Ivy

  2. I’m praying for you Ivy. Just keep telling yourself that his is NOT that journey..this is a DIFFERENT journey. Look back at how far you’ve come and you are NOT in the same place. Thinking of you…

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