Winter is no friend of mine

Short days
Days spent stuck indoors
With light fading by 4:30 pm
Cold, nowhere to go, nobody to see
Thanks to the pandemic

I post pics of me smiling on social media
During all of the pandemic I’ve had
Daily walks, activities throughout summer & fall
But winter there is nothing to do, especially with this damn pandemic
But I still post pics of me smiling

Lack of sunlight causing super low vitamin D levels
Too much computer time causing a large bump on the back of my hand
80-90 hours of mouse usage weekly
Other health issues stubbornly refusing to go away
And finally, starting 3 days ago, teariness

I saw friends on Zoom today
New Year’s Day
With 2020 behind us
And initial optimism for 2021
All faded quickly

All it took were some triggers
Words uttered by my husband
Behaviors of my daughter
Made me question my existence

What are my goals?
Aside from certain bucket list places
More kayaking & sailing adventures in those places
Beyond this, not a whole lot still impassions me

I used to collect things
But I don’t anymore
I used to love shopping & going to craft shows
But I don’t anymore
Nowadays, it’s all about getting rid of belongings
Cuz you just never know

I’ve seen all I’ve wanted to see in this country and Canada
I’ve survived postpartum depression
I’ve written a book
I’ve blogged and helped moms but not able to do much of that anymore

I’ve been at my company for 31 years
Lately, it’s all-too-unhealthily consumed me
For 80-90 hours a week, I get up, go to work, and go to bed
Repeat that over and over and over and over again

2020 has left a bad taste in my mouth
On top of the pandemic
It was daily ridiculousness of a disastrous presidency
With a pandora’s box of hatred galore
All over the country are hateful people
Who hate you simply because you’re not white

Tired physically and mentally of this world
Seeing more negative than good
My only goal apparently is to pay for my parents to live
(my daddy’s girl daughter is in good hands with my husband)
With bad decisions made that left them with nothing
Father had a stroke in 2019 and cognitively impaired
Mother has been withering away for the past decade
I see them deteriorate every time I visit

I don’t want to get old and be in their shoes
I used to be afraid of death
Now I don’t think I’m afraid anymore

Do I think I’m depressed?
No, because I’ve been there before
It was called postpartum depression
I have never been depressed before that
And do not have it now
At least not yet

The return of sun and warmth and colors
Time spent outdoors
Time spent with friends
Might help me to remember
There is more to life
Than my winter blues lens is showing me

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