Inspiring Others by How You Deal With Your Imperfections

I had just posted my letter to my mother on Mother’s Day, which included a reference to my shortcomings as a daughter that rendered me a far-from-perfect daughter.

The following meme that popped up on my Facebook feed on Friday prompted me to put together this brief post.  I love visuals, as visuals are effective tools for enhancing words’ meanings.

Here are some of the ways I make the most of my imperfections:

  • One of my key traits is stubbornness.  I turn that into persistence in getting things done, whether it be tasks at work or an event or trip I’m planning.
  • As I mentioned in my Mother’s Day letter, I sort of suck at cooking.  I’ve been slowly chipping away at my dislike for cooking by collecting recipes from friends and trying them as often as I can.  As they say, familiarity with the process leads to more confidence.
  • I have a major fear of public speaking, and chip away as I might with speech classes and book events, the fear is still there.  But not all advocates need to speak in public to get their message out. I’ve been using my written skills via blogging (and my book) as my way of speaking up and sharing my postpartum depression experience to help others avoid going down the same difficult path I went down in 2005.

 

You may have expectations to be perfect, or you believe others expect you to be perfect.

But you must know that, in reality, no one is perfect.  Not a single one.

Yet people are inspiring one another each and every day.

I hope I’m inspiring at least one person out there (especially perfectionists) to:

Reflect on their imperfections
And think of ways
To leverage both strengths and weaknesses,
To never give up,
To never be afraid to ask for help,
To use their voices to speak up,
To share their experiences to help others avoid going down the same difficult path,
To inspire others, and
To deal with their own imperfections.

Elly Taylor of Becoming Us and her 2019 Seed Planting Workshop U.S. Tour

My friend, Elly Taylor, is an Australian relationship counselor, author of the book Becoming Us, and founder of an organization of the same name, which she created to teach professionals and support mothers and their partners.  Both the book and organization’s mission is to help the mother and partner navigate the peaks and valleys of the parenting journey via 8 essential steps that Becoming Us as “map, compass and travel guide all in one.”

Elly and I have a bunch of things in common.  We are both postpartum depression (PPD) survivors and book authors (though hers is award winning).  We were both blindsided by PPD and the challenges of parenting.  We are both members of Postpartum Support International.  Elly loves NYC (where I’ve spent the last 30 years working) as much as if not more than I love Sydney (where she lives).  She is fortunate enough to be out here in NYC each year for the past 4 years on Becoming Us-related reasons; whereas, I’ve been back to Sydney 3x in the past 22 years (I so wish I could return more often!).

Elly will be here in the states for her “Seed Planting” workshop tour in Los Angeles, Denver, Chicago, and New York City.  For the complete schedule and how to register, click here.  If you live near those areas and are a couple or family therapist, birth professional, infant or child mental health professional, and anyone else who works with expecting, new or not so new parent, sign up for Elly’s 2-hour interactive seed-planting workshop.

The training will teach you:

  1. how the groundbreaking research- and evidence-based Becoming Us approach can support you to work with mothers/fathers/partners to navigate the different transitions to parenthood, reduce risks for postpartum mood disorders, and support families to thrive
  2. what the transitions are (there are more than 8!), how they can negatively impact mothers and their families
  3. how to plant Becoming Us “seeds” that reduce risk for the most common parenthood problems including perinatal mental health issues and relationship distress
  4. how you can apply the model to your work with parents at any stage of their family life cycle

Then, in Atlanta, Elly will also hold a breakout session/seminar at the CAPPA Conference taking place from June 21-23.  See the CAPPA website for more info and to register.

Additionally, she will hold a breakout session/seminar at this year’s Postpartum Support International conference in Portland, Oregon.  It will take place on June 30th from 9am-noon.  See the PSI Conference website for more details about the conference and how to register.

Sounds of Silence 11th Annual Run/Walk – May 11, 2019

Join the Sounds of Silence, Friends of the Postpartum Resource Center of New York’s 11th annual run/walk in memory and celebration of Lisa Mary Reilly and help raise funds in the effort to increase awareness of perinatal mood disorders, such as postpartum depression (PPD), postpartum OCD, and postpartum psychosis.   Not only is this for an excellent cause, it will be a nice opportunity to race (or walk) a beautiful 5K boardwalk along the Atlantic Ocean.

Here’s a video of last year’s run/walk:

I have posted about this annual run/walk every year since 2009.  That year, I was one of the two top fundraisers, bringing in over $1,000 (as an individual).  This annual fundraiser was started back in 2008 by sisters Erin Mascaro and Lisa Reilly. It was Lisa’s experience with PPD after the birth of her daughter–an experience so deeply painful and full of suffering (a suffering that many others like her feel forced to endure in silence) that was witnessed by Erin and other loved ones–that motivated Erin and Lisa to break the silence of PPD with the Sounds of Silence annual run/walk .

All proceeds will go towards supporting the important services the Postpartum Resource Center of New York, Inc., a 501(c)3 non-profit organization (tax ID #11-3449880), provides to new mothers and their families.  To learn more about its services, go to:  http://postpartumny.org.

Please help spread the word about this fundraiser by blogging or sharing the flyer on Facebook/Twitter.

Sponsors Needed:  They are looking for sponsors, so companies looking for opportunities to support a wonderful cause that benefits mothers and their families should seriously consider this opportunity!  Click here for more info.

All New York State schools and colleges are invited to participate!  Click here to find out more.

Date:  Saturday, May 11, 2019

Time:  Registration from 8:00-9:00; race/walk begins at 9:15 AM.  There will be a Kids Fun Run, Raffles, Pre- and post-prace refreshments.

Place:   Jones Beach State Park, Wantagh, Long Island (Field 5)

Run/Walk Registration:  $30 (adults); $20 (ages 11-18); $5 (ages 10 and under); register here.  Registration price increases after May 4th.

Virtual Participation:  For those of you who can’t make it in person, you can participate virtually by registering via this link.  $30 to participate; you get a t-shirt for participation.

What first 250 entrants and first 500 registrants will receive:  First 250 entrants will receive commemorative t-shirts, and first 500 registrants (on day of) will receive race swag bags.  There will be a post-race raffle for prizes that include gift baskets, gift certificates, etc (you need to be present to win).  All who raise $200+ will receive a Sounds of Silence beach towel.

50/50 Fundraiser:  There will be a 50/50 Fundraiser to benefit the Postpartum Resource Center of New York.  Only 300 raffle tickets will be sold.   Grand prize: $10,000; 2nd prize: $3,500; 3rd prize: $1000; 4th prize: $500.  All proceeds from this raffle will be shared equally between the winner of each prize and the Postpartum Resource Center of New York, Inc.  Click here for more info.  Click here to purchase your ticket(s) while they last. Click here to order.  NOTE: Your ticket(s) will be mailed to you. You do not need to be present to win. All prize awards noted here are based on a sale of all 300 available tickets. Actual prize award(s) is based on total number of tickets sold.

 

Parenting is hard

As a follow-up to my July 2018 post about my friend Elly Taylor’s US tour, I would like to help spread the word that PARENTING IS HARD.

 

* * * * * * * *

That’s right, parenting is NOT necessarily instinctive.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Parenting is a journey that is traveled by the new mom who learns as she goes.

And one in which the new father (or partner) learns as he goes.

Or as per Elly’s training mantra and title of her book, it’s a journey to Becoming Us.

And you, parents, need to and should take as much help as you can get along the way.

There should be no shame with that.

No one says that you need to go it all alone.

The more help you get, the better your parenting experience will be.

Trust me.

And trust Elly and everyone else that is trying to spread this truth and resources to get you that help.

The more we realize this going into parenthood, the less we are blindsided.

The more we are prepared for the twists in the parenting journey that life throws our way.

For 1 out of 7 new moms, postpartum depression (PPD) is one of the twists that they will come across on their journey.

Minimizing surprises leads to a better parenting experience and less risk of PPD.

We should want this for everyone, no?

So, please help spread the word.

PARENTING IS HARD.

 

* * * * * * * *

Check out Elly’s brand new video.
It is a very important video for all expectant and new mothers and their partners.
I just adore listening to her lovely Australian accent.

Stay tuned to a follow-up post on Elly’s 2019 tour to the United States.

 

Keys to Empowering New/Expectant Moms and Maternal Mental Health

I was talking to someone 2 days ago who mentioned that for millenials, images are the way to go to attract attention to important messages.  In this day and age of limited-word media like Twitter and other social media forums, sound bytes and visuals tend to grab people’s attentions more.  Print media — like magazines and books (like mine) and all the other books I devoured in my quest for knowledge on why postpartum depression (PPD) occurs in certain women — are going more and more by the wayside.  Just today, I stumbled across an email from Karen Kleiman, MSW, LCSW, (founder of The Postpartum Stress Center and author of numerous books on perinatal mood disorders)1 yr and 9 months ago giving me permission to use the below image on my blog.  This image grabbed my attention and I want to help circulate it.   You should too if you care about mothers.  We need images and information like this to reach more expectant mothers.  We need to ensure they are informed before they even give birth so they aren’t blindsided with PPD.

Why do I feel this information is important? My experience with PPD happened back in 2005, and I blogged about the ignorance of my OB/GYN in February 2009, just shy of 10 years ago.  It was one of my first blog posts. Unfortunately, not much has changed between then and now except for the advent of Facebook and other social media to spread the word via organizations such as Postpartum Support International (PSI), PPD survivors/advocates, social workers, therapists and others who treat perinatal mood disorders (PMDs).  I know this from the stories that come across my feed on Facebook.  I know this from talking to others whose job is to care for mothers who struggle with PMDs.  The general population doesn’t know the difference between postpartum blues and PPD because all too many doctors don’t even know the difference.  Karen Kleiman would not have needed to create the above image if she didn’t see the problem still existing with doctors misinforming PPD moms.

The care model for OB/GYNs should be mandated to include:

  1. adequate training in medical schools/residency programs to ensure doctors know how to recognize symptoms of and treat perinatal mood disorders and know the difference between the baby blues versus PPD
  2.  a 15-minute time slot in every hospital baby care/childbirth training session to go over the basics of perinatal mood disorders (PPD, postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, and postpartum psychosis), difference between the postpartum blues and PPD, breastfeeding realities, risk factors, importance of lining up practical/social support before baby’s arrival, insomnia as a common first symptom, etc.)
  3. being prepared to offer referrals to organizations like PSI (which has coordinators in every state that can try to help the mother find local help), maternal mental health facilities and mother/baby units (which are starting to pop up more & more around the country), PPD support groups, therapists/social workers who specialize in helping PPD moms, and even websites / blogs / Facebook groups that can provide online support
  4. screening patients for risk of perinatal mood disorders
    • prior to pregnancy – to establish a baseline of hormone levels before pregnancy and determine if the woman has a history of PMDD  or other risk factors for PPD
    • during pregnancy – consultation comprised of questions to try to detect pre-natal depression and review of a standard small booklet with images and bullet points covering the basics of perinatal mood disorders (PPD, postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, and postpartum psychosis), difference between the postpartum blues and PPD, breastfeeding realities, risk factors, importance of lining up practical/social support before baby’s arrival, insomnia as a common first symptom, etc.)
    • during 6-week postpartum visit – including blood work to detect iron/thyroid deficiencies and measure hormone/neurotransmitter levels, thyroid panel, Adrenal Stress Index

Click here to see my Onboarding Questionnaire, Pregnancy Questionnaire, and Postpartum Questionnaire.

As you can see, I am continuing to use my PPD experience to come up with ideas to effect change in the reproductive health care arena.  I will continue to find ways to contribute toward public awareness campaigns, as well as resource development and distribution.

New mothers with babies in the NICU are at increased risk of PPD – Part 2

Continuing on the topic I started on January 13th titled “New mothers with babies in the NICU are at increased risk of PPD,” I wanted to add a few points I missed earlier, inspired by a post that came across my feed recently from the Emerald Doulas website titled Preemies Parents and PMADs.  The post was authored by Carrie Banks, an Emerald Doula and one of the North Carolina state coordinators for Postpartum Support International.

Finally home from the NICU with the baby, it is natural for parents to feel anxious, now that they are responsible for their baby’s care and there are no nurses, doctors and machines tending to their baby’s care any longer.  The feeling of being fully responsible and the fear that something may go wrong can cause the parents to feel overwhelmed, especially if there are still medications, feeding and weight gain challenges, as well as physical (e.g., vision, hearing, motor skills) and cognitive development concerns.

I can recall feeling overwhelmed with having to deal with colic, cradle cap and eczema all at once.  My baby was not even a preemie, and my postpartum depression (PPD) starting once the one-week colic period ended.  So, yes, factors that cause stress during the first postpartum weeks while a new mom is still healing from childbirth can indeed lead to PPD.

The Emerald Doulas article contains great tips on addressing:

  • impaired/delayed bonding due to inability to hold the baby/feelings of fear/awkwardness of holding the baby in the NICU
  • transitioning to life at home after the NICU
  • feelings of isolation, guilt and shame
  • why getting help is important

Parents of preemies may also feel ungrateful or even guilty for seeking help for themselves, since everyone’s focus has been on the preemie baby for days, weeks or even months.  While these parents may feel like the only thing that matters is their baby to be okay, they need to remember that they need to stay strong and healthy, both mentally and physically, in order to be there for their baby!  Weeks if not months of having to stay strong for their NICU baby and for other children they may have can chip away until suddenly they find themselves unable to keep it together any longer.  Being anxious and sleep-deprived over an extended period can lead to a postpartum mood and anxiety disorder (PMAD) to set in.

Another contributing factor to the development of a PMAD is the feeling of isolation that occurs from staying home with the baby and keeping visitors away to protect the baby against germs, especially during the winter when colds and the flu abound.  The disappointment that comes from not having friends and family around like they would’ve wanted to have can also contribute toward the development of a PMAD.  Finding a community and support in the form of a NICU support group in-person and/or online can be invaluable, as it can help them feel less alone and more hopeful knowing they are not along in their experience both inside and outside of the NICU having to deal with physical/cognitive development concerns/challenges in addition to the seemingly endless visits with doctors, speech therapists, occupational therapists and/or physical therapists.

There should be no doubt as to whether seeking help is an option.  If you need help, do not hesitate to get it.  Reach out to friends and relatives.  See if you can get a friend and/or relative to help coordinate the search for specific kinds of help.  I’ve seen many situations where a friend sets up a Meal Train account and shares it on social media or email to get friends/relatives/neighbors/colleagues to pitch in money or orders from local restaurants/delis to be sent directly to the family.  If you need help with overnight care and you can afford to hire a postpartum doula, then see if you can locate one through referral from a friend/relative or by searching for one on the Doulas of North America (DONA) website.

You, my dear mother (and father), need to remember self care!

New mothers with babies in the NICU are at increased risk of PPD

The motivation for this blog post is a Huffpost article that popped up in my Facebook feed yesterday titled “NICU Moms Are Struggling With Mental Health Problems–And They Aren’t Getting Help” by Catherine Pearson.  It happens to be from 4/13/2018, but I’m only seeing it now for the first time.

I have blogged about the many risk factors for PPD before.  One of the risk factors happens to be premature births.  Last time I blogged about premature births being one of the risk factors for PPD was 9 years ago.  So, I’m way overdue blogging about this topic again!

A new mother who was pregnant one minute–and expecting several more weeks of pregnancy–and suddenly giving birth and seeing your baby hooked up to machines is an overwhelmingly anxiety-provoking experience.  All new mothers are not only hormonal, exhausted and trying to recover from childbirth, but NICU mothers are also anxious about their babies, unwilling to leave their babies’ sides, and find it hard to eat, sleep or even talk to friends and family members who don’t fully understand what it’s like to have a baby in the NICU. Unable to touch, hold and feed her baby and instead seeing her tiny, precious baby hooked up to so many wires, it is natural for a NICU mother to be consumed with feelings of helplessness, distress and fear.  Each day, the NICU mother spends many hours each day at their baby’s side, pumping every few hours, and on high alert with respect to her baby’s breathing and the noises of the machines keeping her baby alive.

In the daily hustle and bustle of the nurses and doctors in the NICU, having them stop and ask the mother (and/or father) how they are holding up and making sure they are taking care of themselves and getting enough rest are not going to be at the forefront of their priorities, though you’d think it should be second nature for them to do so.  In fact, they are seldom trained to know what to ask.  Even if they did ask, there is an inadequate referral system in place to get help for a mother with a postpartum mood disorder.

“…[Studies have suggested that up to 70 percent of women whose babies spend time in the NICU experience some degree of postpartum depression, while up to one-quarter may experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.”  Simply put, a new mother’s risk of experiencing a postpartum mood disorder is very high.  And that is not surprising in the least.”

What should the screening entail?

I’ve previously blogged about and will repeat here that mothers should be assessed for postpartum depression (PPD) between 4-12 weeks postpartum.   She should be encouraged to have her six-week follow-up visit with her OB/GYN, provided she doesn’t complain about symptoms up to that point.  If she is symptomatic before the six-week visit, she should be screened right then.  If the 6-week screen doesn’t indicate PPD, she should be assessed once more at the 12-week point and also when she weans and when her period returns, since these events can trigger PPD in some women.

The following—in addition to screening tools like the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale or Cheryl Beck’s Postpartum Depression Screening Scale—should be asked at the six-week follow-up visit with the OB/GYN, which can help diagnose PPD:

1. Have you been feeling any of the following for the past 2 weeks:

  • Persistent and mostly inexplicable sadness/tearfulness and feeling empty inside
  • Loss of interest/pleasure in hobbies/activities you once enjoyed; inability to laugh
  • Overall impaired functioning
  • Sleep difficulties (either insomnia or sleeping too much)
  • Weight loss (usually fairly quick) associated with a decrease in appetite
  • Weight gain associated with an increase in appetite
  • Excessive worrying/anxiety/concern about the baby
  • Restlessness/irritability
  • Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
  • Onset of panic attacks
  • Sense of despair and/or hopelessness leading to thoughts of death/suicide

2. How have you been feeling physically and emotionally?

3.  How is your appetite?

4.  How are you sleeping?  Have you been able to get at least 4, if not 5, hours of sleep a night?

5.  Have you had any recurring thoughts/images that are disturbing?

 

If local resources for PPD are not readily available (though all hospitals around the country should have a list of local psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, registered nurses, PPD support groups on hand), the least they can do is provide a pamphlet for Postpartum Support International. Its website lists resources in every state.  And many states have already formed, or are in the process of forming, chapters to focus on state-specific efforts at advocacy, training, and other improvements.

If you are a new mom with a baby in the NICU, please, please, please remember that, though your attention is preoccupied with your baby, if you let your own strength and health go by the wayside, it is possible to succumb to a postpartum mood disorder.  Not everyone will succumb, but just remember the increased risk and higher occurrence among NICU moms.  Don’t forget to take care of yourself.  When your baby comes out of the NICU, you need to be strong and healthy to care for your baby.