Recently, I attended an Asian American professionals event. Overall, I was happy I attended the event, mostly because the speakers spoke about the challenges they encountered on their path to their current status as successful and well-regarded professionals. They spoke about having to overcome such cultural traits as humility and introversion, as well as their tendency to avoid speaking up. Yes, because of the way we were raised, being aggressive is not natural and “silence is golden.” These are self-defeating traits. How can you move up the ranks and be noticed if you don’t speak up in meetings? If you don’t speak your mind because you’re too humble? If you don’t give presentations to peers and management because you are introverted?
In addition to the familiar expressions “glass ceiling” (in reference to women, for the most part) and “bamboo ceiling” (in reference to Asian professionals, specifically….think about how many Asian executives there are in your workplace), when you add new motherhood to the equation, Asian women tend to have perfectionist tendencies and experience shame and guilt far more readily than women in other cultures due to their cultural traits and the way they were brought up.
I realize that the following are not just experienced by Asian American mothers in the workforce, but all mothers in the workforce. So, in addition to the bamboo and glass ceilings, Asian American mothers also experience what I refer to as the “new mother ceiling.”
New mothers returning to the workforce experience GUILT from having to leave their baby in the care of someone else. Most households does not have the fortune of having a relative (e.g., spouse, parent, in-law) or live-in nanny living with them, so there is the added challenge of pick-ups and drop-offs, which inevitably means having to take turns with their significant others dropping off (which means getting to work later) and picking up (which means leaving work earlier). These drop-offs and pick-ups are a really big deal especially when there is a long commute at stake, and the childcare hours of operation mean the earliest you can drop off is 7:00 am (and in a majority of places, it’s not until 7:30 am or 8:00 am) and the latest you can pick up is 6:00 pm. How in the world do parents deal with these hours? They just have to. They make it work somehow. For some parents, like me, any “fast track” for which I may have been considered would have to wait until a more “opportune” time, when drop-offs and pick-ups no longer get in the way of that fast track. For other parents, childcare is too expensive and it makes more economical sense for one of them to stay at home, and it’s usually the mother. Hence, the stay at home mom.
New mothers returning to the workforce experience GUILT from leaving their babies in the care of others spend long days (ELEVEN hours) with someone other than themselves, but they worry about the impact getting in late and leaving early will have on their careers. They fear that it’s going to put a dent on their performance assessments, that their managers frown on such hours when non-parents don’t have such issues and can get in early and leave late every day. They fear the judgmental eyes and “another half day, eh?” remarks from colleagues looking at them like they spend less hours at work and therefore should be viewed less favorably by management. I know, as I’ve been the brunt of these whisperings after my daughter was born.
New mothers returning to the workforce experience GUILT in situations where a woman needs or prefers (and is economically able) to stay at home, and yet you know your parents spent X amount of money for a college education to have a better shot at a successful career. You feel like it was a waste of their hard-earned money (or blood, sweat and tears) to get you to where you are today.
Here’s where I want to mention that one of the two speakers was a woman who, like the man, explained the challenges she had to overcome in getting to where she is today. Like any speaker giving a rah rah speech for career-minded individuals at a workplace event, she addressed the crowd in a general fashion, making assumptions in so doing.
She looked at the audience and firmly addressed the women in the audience with a statement that, and I can’t quote her exactly but the gist of what she was saying was, working mothers should be proud for returning to work after having their babies. That just made it sound like stay at home mothers should feel bad for staying at home with their babies.
She mentioned how happy she was when her 12 year old daughter recently told her that she is proud of her mother’s successful career and she has no negative feelings or memories for not having spent that much time with her while growing up. Unfortunately, this is not representative of the reactions of every child out there in similar circumstances.
She mentioned that she gave birth without the aid of an epidural and was in labor for 22 hours. I have to say that she is fortunate there were no complications during/after her labor and delivery, because unfortunately, not every woman fares this well in similar circumstances. Some experience childbirth complications, like I did. Some don’t survive. Some survive but their babies don’t.
She was sleep deprived and had to return to work within weeks of giving birth. She mentioned that it’s definitely hard work but absolutely possible for everyone with babies to get by with little sleep and still do well at work. She said that everyone has the ability to cope with the temporary challenges of new parenthood, juggling work with sleep deprivation. She said something to the effect of “If I could do it, so can you. Don’t complain, just do.” This is not a direct quote, mind you, but the gist of what she was saying at the very end of her speech.
I was deeply interested in/commiserated with and appreciated the speakers and what they had to say…..up until this last point. It’s all good and fine that this is a rah rah speech for career-minded individuals. But having gone through what I went through….postpartum depression (PPD), which is crippling and can make you doubt you’ll ever be well again, let alone back at work in the highly functioning, ambitious professional you were before you gave birth and ended up in the dark hole of despair that is PPD (and any other postpartum mood disorder), I found myself biting my lip, cringing inwardly while smiling outwardly and thinking to myself “She has no clue and I would venture to guess that even if I went up to her and told her how her last statements can hurt the one in eight women–many of whom are professionals–that end up stricken with PPD, she would wave me off just like the female colleague to whom I had tried to explain my PPD experience waved me off.”
Can I blame her for not getting it because she’s never been there? No. But I sure as heck am thinking about sending her a note (with perhaps a link to my blog or a copy of my book) that what she said absolutely does not resonate with everyone, and she should be mindful of the fact that not everyone can JUST DO IT like she did. As much as one would like to JUST DO IT (after all, that is my favorite mantra of all time, thanks to Lance Armstrong and Nike), I COULD NOT. Not until I was well again.
Having the attitude of JUST DO or BUCK UP or IF I CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU is an attitude that fails new mothers not from the standpoint of striving to keep up with male counterparts if we expect to climb up that corporate ladder and break through the bamboo, glass…and new mother ceilings, but from the assumption that no mother EVER has pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum complications. Saying JUST DO, no matter what, is implying that mothers who have had new mother-related challenges are NOT GOOD ENOUGH and the mother with challenges must be all alone in her experience because, heck, no one ever shares negative stories of new mother-related challenges. Well, that’s because everyone with negative experiences are all AFRAID of speaking up. IT’S FEAR, GUILT, AND SHAME THAT KEEP THEM QUIET.
This is STIGMA, folks. And we need to change attitudes in the workplace. Do away with all the ceilings–bamboo and glass–as well as the negative perceptions and attitudes pertaining to working parents and new mothers, in general. All I’m asking is for people to open their eyes and accept that not all new mothers have the ability to return to work, even if they want to. That they should not be ashamed for the reason. They should not be ashamed to speak up. And just because a new mother does manage to return to work right after baby, it does NOT mean there were absolutely no childbirth or childcare complications along the way. STOP ASSUMING that everything is fine and dandy because in reality, approximately 15-20% of new mothers succumb to PPD. PPD is experienced by women of all cultures, ethnicities, social statuses, and religions.
Yes, I think I AM going to send her a copy of my book “One Mom’s Journey to Motherhood: Infertility, Childbirth Complications, and Postpartum Depression, Oh My!”