Postpartum Pain – by Stacy M.

Thank you, Stacy, for once again sharing your gift of poetry on my blog.

Just eight months old
Lost and confused
Mommy had to go

As tears flowed
From tired eyes
I drove

Clenched the wheel
Held on tight
The most important
Ride of my life

Surrendered all my
Postpartum pain
I told them all
To please go on
Without me

I just couldn’t
Breathe
Or eat
Or see
Anything
In front of me
I felt like
Disappearing

I wasn’t sure
If I could go on
I was drifting
So far
And sinking
So fast

Fearing
Everything
And everyone
Blindsided
By the panic
And the pain
I thought for sure
The old me
Was gone
Long gone and
For good

All the fear
Abruptly
Turned my world
Pitch black

I wasn’t sure
If I could
Ever find
My way back
Or my old self
I was desperate
For help

Postpartum pain
Makes you lose
Your way
And your grip
Makes reality
Start to slip

It can rob you
Of your dreams
It’s deceiving
Gets you believing
That nobody
Not even yourself
Or your new baby
Or this life
Needs you

In all the darkness
That surrounded me
I was a tiny shadow
Of myself
Not even

Did anyone see
I was not okay
Did I really hide it
All too well
Who was in denial more
Me or my community
Why do we pretend
It will never make
Any sense

Just those few years ago
I stood at the edge
Ready to give up
The fight
Of a life I worked
So hard for
I had a home
With a husband
And children I adore
In a moment
I could have lost it all

My knees were buckling
In a flash I suddenly
Could not understand
What it was I was living for

Prisoner of my own mind
Paranoid of the judgment
Overwhelmed
Run down
Unsteady from
The incision that
Still felt so raw
Stitches barely
Holding me together
The healing felt like
Forever

Postpartum pain
Postpartum pain

Oh how thankful
Of where we are now
My little girl sleeping on me
All snugly and sound
As I still pick up all the pieces
Of that horrific transition

Postpartum pain
Postpartum pain

Will make you never the same

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Beautiful, Troubled Path – A Poem by Stacy M

Stacy M. wrote this poem one year after her first postpartum depression (PPD) meltdown/hospitalization. 

She wrote it as a reflection of the obstacles she hadn’t expected becoming a mom would entail, including a devastating pregnancy loss. 

Despite the deeply wounding obstacles she came across, she never gave up. 

She felt so broken during her  hospitalization, after which she was able to realize that she could heal and move on and still be a great mom.

She wanted to share this poem with other moms who are on a beautiful, troubled path now or have also traveled a similar path.

Just like her, you may not have expected that becoming a mother–a traditionally happy, joyous occasion–could have any pain or darkness associated with it.

Just like her, you will find that the pain and darkness will pass and  beauty will prevail in the end.  Yes, beauty is at the end of the path.

And the difficult experiences are what make you a stronger individual.

Thank you, Stacy, for sharing your touching poem.

 

Path

Photo: Ivy Shih Leung

Beautiful, Troubled Path

have you seen how dark it can get in a grieving mind
have you tried on the shoes that I have walked in oh so many times

have you felt the heavy rain turn to hail upon your shoulders
or have you tried living life moving constant boulders

obstacle after obstacle
how many leaps of faith can one take

wound after wound
how much more heartache

the path to having a family of my own
has set off tears that will never dry

skinned knees from being on the ground
begging the universe please

strength and patience is the hardest to hold onto
when waiting to find inner peace

balancing my mind day in and day out
balancing the pain with a breathe of fresh air
is the only way to heal
to feel

the beauty underneath this troubled path
of becoming a good parent and a better person

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

By:  Stacy M.