I must be blue if….

I must be blue if….

Spring time, the usual gamechanger for me
……doesn’t make me smile
……doesn’t make me feel better
……doesn’t make me feel excitement of the return of
………………………………color
………………………………………warmth
…………………………………………………..sunshine
……………………………………………………………….. birds chirping
………………………………………………………………………………………..flowers blooming
I don’t hum with the music that I normally love to hear.
I can’t laugh at things I’d normally laugh about.

I must find a way to prevent the downward slide
toward depression where I can’t eat or sleep,
just a hyperfocus on how to disappear.
I’ve been there before, and it’s a pain that you never want to wish on anyone
I don’t ever want to feel that way again.

My lunar new year post just 2 months ago
expressed my relief that I was able to get through winter
without feeling blue.
Well, looks like I should wait after spring actually arrives–and sinks in–
to make such a statement.

What’s been dragging me down?
Thoughts about my parents and becoming like them.
Seeing them each week deteriorate more and more.
It’s really hard to stay upbeat when I think
about them and what’s in store for me in my old age.

What helps bring me out of this rut
is getting out, spending time with friends,
appreciating beautiful places and nature in person
not from inside my house.
But outside.
Breathing in the fresh air,
feeling the warmth of the sun,
and seeing the beautiful colors of the first spring flowers in person.

And smiling.