Be the One Person Who Makes a Difference for Someone Else

My first blog post in over 4 months was only 2 days ago.  As you can see, I meant it when I said I would focus more on blogging!

Today’s post is inspired by a Scary Mommy article that appeared in my feed yesterday. The title of the article is “Am I Invisible? One Mom’s Pain-Relieving Response to Being Excluded” by Rachel Macy Stafford.  The title itself triggered my mind to flash back to many experiences of trying to befriend other mothers, only to have my attempts stopped dead in their tracks with the same kind of cold reaction mentioned in the first few paragraphs of this article.   I’ve hated–no, DESPISED– the feeling of being excluded since I was repeatedly excluded as a teen by these 3 C’s:  cliques, classmates and even fellow churchgoers.  Exclusions by teens is one thing.  But exclusions by adults?  Totally unacceptable, unnecessary, immature, inexcusable …..and quite simply, crappy.

As an adult, I have never had any problems striking up conversations with strangers I’ve never met before.  I have done that fairly often during the past 29 years of commuting into the city.  Usually, we are able to have these conversations due to our shared commuting woes.  That is our common bond.

In 2018, I made more new friends in my area in the one year than I have in the past 17 years combined.  As I’ve said in prior posts, I’ve found it challenging making friends in my area.  The friends I made last year arose from shared objectives of ensuring a #BlueWave this past November.  That was our common bond.

In 2016, I made more friends with classmates at my college reunion than when I was in college!  Being alums (without the stress of getting passing grades) was our common bond.

In 2006, I became a member of Postpartum Support International (PSI).  I blogged about our common bond previously in this blog post.

These are just some examples of how a common bond encourages friendships to form and conversations to be had even between strangers.  But that leads me to ask why a common bond of motherhood does not encourage friendships to form and conversations to be had even between strangers?  Why did the author of the Scary Mommy article experience the cold and mean exclusion that she experienced?  Why did I experience numerous cold and mean exclusions of countless mothers, even ADULT mothers of newborns, when we share a common bond of wading through unfamiliar territory together?

Doesn’t matter what the reason is, now does it?  Regardless of the reason–whether it be insecurity, pride or just plain nastiness–I would never do this to someone else.  It’s taken me a long time to piece it all together….the realization that such nasty behavior was actually a favor, as it instantly warned me not to waste any time.  In keeping with my philosophy “Life is too short for BS,” when I see people who–whether they know me or don’t know me yet–behave in a manner that is suggesting exclusion, I won’t waste my valuable time or energy on them.

In keeping with my philosophy of “Love, laugh and live a life with no regrets” I will take my experiences of people turning their backs on me and make sure I DO NOT treat others the way I DO NOT want to be treated myself.   I would NOT turn my back on someone who needed help, a listening ear and/or support.  I am not in the business of being on this earth to earn negative points in the karma area, TYVM.

I would:

  1. Help others who need help because, if the situation were reversed, I would want someone to offer me help
  2. Listen and provide comfort to others who need comforting because, if the situation were reversed, I would want someone to comfort me
  3. Support others who need support because, if the situation were reversed, I would want someone to support me

You know what they say about motherhood?  IT TAKES A VILLAGE.  Do what the Scary Mommy article suggests, which is to be the one person that makes a difference for someone else.  Imagine if everyone did that?  We would truly have a village!

The article urges us to each be the one that makes a difference for another, because all it takes is one person to help, listen/provide comfort to, and support someone else and help them realize they aren’t totally alone in this very-populated-and-yet-quite-lonely-at-times world.  How do we know the other person who’s coming to you for help, comfort or support isn’t in a dire situation?  How would you feel if you found out you could have made a difference by helping them, but was cold to them and there was a tragic outcome?

New mothers who are experiencing, or have experienced, a postpartum mood disorder share a common bond of loneliness, of feeling alone in our experience.  All it takes is one person to help another to not feel alone.  This is why so many new mothers have dedicated their lives to providing help/listening to/providing comfort to/supporting mothers suffering from postpartum mood disorders.  They want to give to someone what they did not receive while they were sick themselves.  Many, like me, did not get help, comfort or support.  Too many new mothers feel alone and for no reason at all.  There is no reason for a new mother to feel alone and at the end of their rope.

I will end with this beautifully-written poem in the Scary Mommy article:

With one invitation, we can take someone
From outsider to insider
From outcast to beloved member
From unknown neighbor to coffee companion
From wallflower to life-of-the-party
From shortened life expectancy to 80 years of joy.

I DO NOT want to have any regrets for not doing something when I had the opportunity.  Do you?

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Please Throw Me a Postpartum Party Instead of a Baby Shower, Thanks

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A truly useful baby shower gift after the baby’s arrival is having relatives, friends, neighbors, etc. chip in funds for hired help [like a postpartum doula] for the first one to two months.

Additionally, as this article suggests, the shower that is thrown should entail a list of family/friends who will help (with watching the baby so the new mom can get some much-needed alone time/rest/shower, picking up groceries, cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc.) during the first 6 weeks postpartum.  This could include a meal plan via http://www.mealtrain.com deliveries or doing take-out and dropping the food off.

Perhaps if we focused more on ensuring new mothers have the support they need after the new baby arrives, there would be fewer instances of postpartum mood disorders!

 

Colic, Sleep Deprivation, Inadequate Support as Risk Factors for PPD

Just a quick post about colic, sleep deprivation, and inadequate support for the new mom as key risk factors for postpartum depression (PPD). There are many topics I want to blog about, but it’s another case of too many ideas, not enough time.  Since these risk factors make up some of the crucial pieces of the puzzle of my PPD experience, and since the Babble post titled “DR. HARVEY KARP ON WHY HE BELIEVES PPD IS MORE COMMON THAN EVER BEFORE” by Wendy Wisner showed up on my Facebook feed today, I decided to do a quick blog post about it. This blog post joins my previous post about Dr. Karp and his 5S technique “Baby Fussy or Colicky? Try the Amazing 5 S’s!“, a technique that helps babies sleep and parents cope with colic.  Colic causes sleep deprivation and feelings of incompetence from not being able to calm your crying baby (due to lack of prior baby care experience and lack of adequate support/guidance provided by someone with experience).  I basically said the same things in my book.

Dr. Karp also believes the following, which are also points that I mention throughout my book:

  1. Sleep deprivation can change brain physiology in the amygdala by causing it to become more hypervigilant and a triggering of the body’s fight or flight mechanism.  This state can cause a new mother to feel anxious and remain in a constant state of alertness, fearful that something bad may happen to her baby.
  2. Self care is as important as caring for the baby…it takes a village….a health mom means a healthy baby
  3. A mother’s getting enough sleep and support = key to reducing the occurrence of postpartum mood disorders

The bottom line is new mothers MUST get adequate support.  But with many parents struggling financially and not being able to afford help (via resources like doulas) and family members experienced with baby care not living close by and/or are too busy to help, it’s no wonder there are so many cases of PPD.  Please see my past posts about the critical role social support plays in minimizing the occurrence of PPD here and here.

Parenting…..It Takes A Village

Here’s my second quick blog post for today.  This one was inspired by a good article titled “My Parenting Village” that I stumbled across that was posted last June by Ann Douglas on The Life Channel Network.  Ann writes about her experience as a mother for the first time and how she found that the secret to parenting success is accepting help and advice from other parents/friends/neighbors.  She participated in parenting support groups, used daycare services, looked to her neighbor for help/advice, and formed friendships with other new parents. 

I love the following:

After all, it’s not enough to care for the child: the village needs to care for the parents as well, by creating a place where support can be offered and information can be shared. It’s such a simple idea: investing in parents and children. And the dividends are incredible: brighter futures, happier families, stronger and more stable communities.

The article doesn’t touch on what happens when the stress of being a first-time mother, as well as inadequate social support, can be a major factor in postpartum depression (PPD). I devote a whole chapter in my book on the topic of social support–including what it entails and the history of it in this country (including the whole “village” approach of older generations) versus other countries–and many other relevant details including biopsychosocial risk factors of PPD, and advice–all of which I wish I had known about BEFORE I had my baby.  Having that knowledge might have prevented me from succumbing to PPD.  Consider buying a copy (soft cover, e-book and hard cover versions available for purchase via Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online retailers).  Thank you!  🙂