This is a post a mom wanted to share on my blog anonymously. Thank you, mama, for sharing your experience! ❤ ❤ ❤
To think of moments like this that I would have missed had I just given up. If I had let the mental illness win.
After my twins my postpartum depression/postpartum anxiety (PPD/PPA) was severe.
Paralyzed by a sudden sense of worthlessness, hopelessness and fear of everything, I panicked.
Intrusive thoughts told me I was not good enough and that my kids were better off without me. I told my husband to leave me. I was scared to touch the twins for fear I would somehow hurt them or that I was ruining them.
This was at the time I felt it in my heart and soul something was majorly wrong with G and I blamed it on myself.
I was overwhelmed with two colicky twins. They cried all the time and I felt like a failure that I couldn’t soothe them. Fast forward they have sensory issues G with autism and S with ADHD. they have had a very hard time regulating themselves and have come a long, long way.
If I could wish one thing for all mothers is that please don’t blame yourselves.
Be mindful. Baby yourself just like how you baby your children. Be kind to yourself.
I was beyond hard on myself and it took its toll. It left me fragile and fearful and broken.
But I’ve always been a fighter and I’ve done everything I could to power through that time and learn how to live all over again.
It began with loving myself.
In June 2013 I was so traumatized by the panic attacks that the panic made me want to end it all. I called an ambulance to come save me from myself. That day on I’ve only marched forward. I’m mindful to my surroundings. I don’t blame myself for the struggle that my babies have faced with their development.
I am an excellent mom. I am worth it. They are worth it. So much that I gave it all another chance when I had R knowing that I faced a chance of a relapse with PPD. But with incredible support I did it and I’m still doing it.
I love my sweet family, my friends, my life.
I believe in second, third, fourth chances.
There is always room for improvement and to make things better and life is very much worth living.
Everything that happens to us makes us stronger.
I will never hide what happened to me from my children, especially my daughters.
It’s okay to fall down.
What matters is we keep going and with a good heart.