A Short Film that Shows the Importance of Having a Maternal Mentor

Last weekend was Postpartum Support International-New Jersey‘s Lunafest fundraiser. The seven short films were diverse and interesting, but the one that happened to have some relevance to maternal mental health was “How to Swim” by Noa Gusakov. It spoke to me the most, which is why I decided to write about it. It made me think about the importance of social support. Having adequate social support from other maternal figures (and doulas when there are no family members or friends as options) is very beneficial, to say the least. Having inadequate social support can increase the risk of postpartum mood disorders, especially if there are other biopsychosocial factors in the mix.

If you haven’t yet watched the short, please do so before reading on, as my review below has tons of spoilers.

“How to Swim” is a 14-1/2 minute short film about Avigail, a young woman pregnant with her first child who is so anxious about being a new mom that she “kidnaps” a maternal stranger one afternoon. There are moments throughout the film that touched me and made me laugh. This is a short that is definitely worth watching. I can see how it has won awards and recognition at numerous movie festivals.

The film starts in the waiting area of the hospital where Avigail and her husband are waiting for their visit with the doctor. She observes the interactions of another pregnant woman and her mother (Tammy) with envy, wishing her own mother could be with her. When the other pregnant woman leaves the waiting room, Avigail goes over to talk to Tammy who, as it turns out, was leaving the hospital. Wanting to spend more time interacting with Tammy, Avigail pretends to be a childhood friend of Tammy’s daughter. Avigail tells Tammy she happens to be going in the same direction and offers her a ride. Tammy needs to go to the mall, and Avigail says she also needs to get something from there…..and they end up shopping & chatting away the afternoon. They seem to bond, but all due to the pretense that their lives intersected with Tammy’s daughter.

Of course, the truth does come out and Tammy reacts with shock/fear that Avigail “kidnapped” her, but she becomes somewhat understanding once Avigail explained why she did what she did. One gathers from watching the way Avigail talks about her mother that she isn’t simply too far away to be with her. My reaction was immediate sympathy for Avigail. I don’t believe Avigail planned to “kidnap” Tammy, but just wanted to have a conversation with her that led to their spending the afternoon together. It really is sort of a creepy thing to do, but at the same time, I could imagine myself in Avigail’s shoes. I could imagine feeling scared of going into motherhood for the first time without my own mother by my side to guide me. I could imagine wanting a maternal mentor so badly that I would try to become friends with one that I have a good feeling about. I don’t know if Avigail has any other maternal figures in her life, like other relatives or friends that are mothers. Assuming she doesn’t, then it makes first-time motherhood all the more frightening. This is why I had all the feels and was drawn into this film.

The film ends with Tammy walking away from Avigail. It made me sad to think that the bond they formed–even though it was under false pretenses–vanished and they may not see each other again….and it was back to Avigail having no one to help her after the baby arrives. Although the film ends on somewhat of a positive note–with Avigail learning that the bra that Tammy had suggested she leave on and not pay for was actually paid for by Tammy when Avigail went back to pay for it– I still couldn’t help thinking it would’ve been nice if they exchanged contact info so Tammy could stay in Avigail’s life.

Be the One Person Who Makes a Difference for Someone Else

My first blog post in over 4 months was only 2 days ago.  As you can see, I meant it when I said I would focus more on blogging!

Today’s post is inspired by a Scary Mommy article that appeared in my feed yesterday. The title of the article is “Am I Invisible? One Mom’s Pain-Relieving Response to Being Excluded” by Rachel Macy Stafford.  The title itself triggered my mind to flash back to many experiences of trying to befriend other mothers, only to have my attempts stopped dead in their tracks with the same kind of cold reaction mentioned in the first few paragraphs of this article.   I’ve hated–no, DESPISED– the feeling of being excluded since I was repeatedly excluded as a teen by these 3 C’s:  cliques, classmates and even fellow churchgoers.  Exclusions by teens is one thing.  But exclusions by adults?  Totally unacceptable, unnecessary, immature, inexcusable …..and quite simply, crappy.

As an adult, I have never had any problems striking up conversations with strangers I’ve never met before.  I have done that fairly often during the past 29 years of commuting into the city.  Usually, we are able to have these conversations due to our shared commuting woes.  That is our common bond.

In 2018, I made more new friends in my area in the one year than I have in the past 17 years combined.  As I’ve said in prior posts, I’ve found it challenging making friends in my area.  The friends I made last year arose from shared objectives of ensuring a #BlueWave this past November.  That was our common bond.

In 2016, I made more friends with classmates at my college reunion than when I was in college!  Being alums (without the stress of getting passing grades) was our common bond.

In 2006, I became a member of Postpartum Support International (PSI).  I blogged about our common bond previously in this blog post.

These are just some examples of how a common bond encourages friendships to form and conversations to be had even between strangers.  But that leads me to ask why a common bond of motherhood does not encourage friendships to form and conversations to be had even between strangers?  Why did the author of the Scary Mommy article experience the cold and mean exclusion that she experienced?  Why did I experience numerous cold and mean exclusions of countless mothers, even ADULT mothers of newborns, when we share a common bond of wading through unfamiliar territory together?

Doesn’t matter what the reason is, now does it?  Regardless of the reason–whether it be insecurity, pride or just plain nastiness–I would never do this to someone else.  It’s taken me a long time to piece it all together….the realization that such nasty behavior was actually a favor, as it instantly warned me not to waste any time.  In keeping with my philosophy “Life is too short for BS,” when I see people who–whether they know me or don’t know me yet–behave in a manner that is suggesting exclusion, I won’t waste my valuable time or energy on them.

In keeping with my philosophy of “Love, laugh and live a life with no regrets” I will take my experiences of people turning their backs on me and make sure I DO NOT treat others the way I DO NOT want to be treated myself.   I would NOT turn my back on someone who needed help, a listening ear and/or support.  I am not in the business of being on this earth to earn negative points in the karma area, TYVM.

I would:

  1. Help others who need help because, if the situation were reversed, I would want someone to offer me help
  2. Listen and provide comfort to others who need comforting because, if the situation were reversed, I would want someone to comfort me
  3. Support others who need support because, if the situation were reversed, I would want someone to support me

You know what they say about motherhood?  IT TAKES A VILLAGE.  Do what the Scary Mommy article suggests, which is to be the one person that makes a difference for someone else.  Imagine if everyone did that?  We would truly have a village!

The article urges us to each be the one that makes a difference for another, because all it takes is one person to help, listen/provide comfort to, and support someone else and help them realize they aren’t totally alone in this very-populated-and-yet-quite-lonely-at-times world.  How do we know the other person who’s coming to you for help, comfort or support isn’t in a dire situation?  How would you feel if you found out you could have made a difference by helping them, but was cold to them and there was a tragic outcome?

New mothers who are experiencing, or have experienced, a postpartum mood disorder share a common bond of loneliness, of feeling alone in our experience.  All it takes is one person to help another to not feel alone.  This is why so many new mothers have dedicated their lives to providing help/listening to/providing comfort to/supporting mothers suffering from postpartum mood disorders.  They want to give to someone what they did not receive while they were sick themselves.  Many, like me, did not get help, comfort or support.  Too many new mothers feel alone and for no reason at all.  There is no reason for a new mother to feel alone and at the end of their rope.

I will end with this beautifully-written poem in the Scary Mommy article:

With one invitation, we can take someone
From outsider to insider
From outcast to beloved member
From unknown neighbor to coffee companion
From wallflower to life-of-the-party
From shortened life expectancy to 80 years of joy.

I DO NOT want to have any regrets for not doing something when I had the opportunity.  Do you?

The Robin Study is Looking for New Mothers to Participate in a Research Study

The Robin Study is a research study evaluating an investigational oral medication in women with postpartum depression (PPD).  An investigational medication is a study drug that will be tested during a study to see if it is safe and effective for a specific condition and/or group of people.

To be eligible for the study, you must:
  • Be 18 to 45 years of age
  • Have given birth within the last 6 months
  • Feel any of these symptoms associated with PPD for 2 weeks or longer:  insomnia, crying/sadness, lack of appetite, sudden weight loss, hopelessness, lack of interest in baby, loss of interest in things you used to enjoy, intrusive/disturbing thoughts
  • Have symptoms that began no earlier than the third trimester and no later than the first four weeks following delivery (I know that many mothers don’t develop PPD until 6 weeks or later, but this is a specific requirement for this particular research study)

If you qualify and decide to participate:

  • Your PPD symptoms will be continually monitored by qualified study staff (nurses and clinicians), under the guidance of the study doctor.
  • You will receive study-related medical care and the assigned study drug at no cost.
  • You will be required to take the assigned study drug at home every night for 14 days. You’ll have nightly phone calls with the study coordinator and will come into the study site three times while on the medication and two times as follow-up. Your total participation will last about 76 days.
  • Transportation may be provided for those who require assistance.

To learn more about the study, review frequently asked questions, and see if/how you may qualify, please visit www.TheRobinStudy.com, call (844) 901-0101 to speak with a study representative, or fill out the contact form and a study representative will follow up with you.