Sounds of Silence 7th Annual Run/Walk – May 9, 2015

prcny-sos-run-general-flyer-2015-FINAL-i-LRJoin the Sounds of Silence, Friends of the Postpartum Resource Center of New York’s 7th annual run/walk to help raise funds in the effort to increase awareness of perinatal mood disorders, such as postpartum depression (PPD), postpartum OCD, and postpartum psychosis.   Not only is this for an excellent cause, it will be a nice opportunity to race (or walk) a beautiful 5K boardwalk along the Atlantic Ocean.

Please note that this annual fundraiser was started back in 2009 by sisters Erin Mascaro and Lisa Reilly.  It was Lisa’s experience with postpartum depression (PPD) after the birth of her daughter–an experience so deeply painful and full of suffering (a suffering that many others like her feel forced to endure in silence) that was witnessed by Erin and other loved ones–that motivated Erin and Lisa to break the silence of PPD with the Sounds of Silence annual run/walk .  I only found out a few days ago that Lisa tragically succumbed to depression last fall. This year’s run/walk will be in memory of her.   Please help spread the word about this fundraiser by blogging or sharing the flyer on Facebook/Twitter.

Date:  Saturday, May 9, 2015

Time:  Registration from 8:00-9:00; race/walk begins at 9:30 AM.  There will be a Kids Fun Run, Raffles, Food and more.

Place:   Jones Beach State Park, Wantagh, Long Island (Field 5)

Registration:  $25 (adults); $15 (ages 11-18); $5 (ages 10 and under); register here.

Other Race Details:  The top female and male runners, plus top fundraiser, will receive awards.  Back in 2009, I was one of the two top fundraisers, bringing in over $1,000 (as an individual).

For more information about the run/walk, please click here to visit the Postpartum Resource Center of New York site.

All proceeds will go towards supporting the important services the Postpartum Resource Center of New York, Inc., a 501(c)3 non-profit organization (tax ID #11-3449880), provides to new mothers and their families.  To learn more about its services, go to:  http://postpartumny.org.

A New Mom’s Needs Matter Just As Much As the Baby’s Needs

Nothing recently has truly sparked my desire to blog…that is, until tonight.  One of my Facebook friends had commented on an article on a public page, so it popped up on my Facebook feed on my commute home from work.  The post was titled “Charlotte Bevan’s death: an indictment of a breastfeeding culture that ignores the needs of women,” written by Amy Tuteur, MD.

One of my biggest peeves is an extremist, misguided, self-serving, selfish, hateful and highly narrow-minded viewpoint, whether it be about politics, guns, religion, bigotry, misogynism, women’s reproductive rights…..or in this case, breastfeeding.  I’ve previously blogged about how breastfeeding zealotry led to the deaths of a mother and her baby, and here I am again, blogging about another PREVENTABLE AND SENSELESS DEATH of a new mother and her baby.

WHEN IS IT GOING TO STOP?

If you are in the medical healthcare profession, you MUST place your patients’ wellbeing BEFORE your religious and biased viewpoints, which have NO PLACE in a profession in which lives are at stake. And should you NOT know the appropriate protocols for specific conditions, drug interactions, consequences of taking someone off medications, etc., then you have NO BUSINESS being in your profession.  PERIOD.

Sure, breast is best if it’s best for baby AND MOM.  BUT DO NOT EVER FORGET ABOUT THE MOTHER.  If she is healthy and wants to/can breastfeed, then great.  If she is healthy and does not for whatever reason want to breastfeed, she shouldn’t be forced to/guilted into doing so.  If she is not healthy and cannot breastfeed, then stop guilting her into doing so.  Let her formula feed in peace.

If she has a mental health condition (as in Charlotte’s case) that requires her to continue taking medication, then she MUST do so.  If she has a mental health condition and wants to breastfeed, then have her continue breastfeeding if–as in this case with risperidone–the medication she is taking is compatible with doing so based on research.  If she prefers to feed her baby formula because she is uncertain about breastfeeding while on the medication, then let her feed her baby formula.  Let her formula feed in peace.

Whoever let Charlotte go off her anti-psychotic medications without monitoring her to be sure both she and her baby were okay are directly responsible for her death.  Here again, we have the insidious belief that a baby deserves to be fed “liquid gold,” the life of her mother be damned.  Bottom line, those whom she entrusted her care might as well have just pushed her off the cliff themselves.  Death by negligence. I believe they call it negligent homicide here.

Women around the world continue to be viewed as baby incubators and milk machines, and as such, their physical, mental and emotional wellbeing do not matter in the grand scheme of things.  Their needs as new mothers don’t matter.  BUT THEY DO MATTER.

I had to quote an excerpt out of the post written by Dr. Amy Tuteur here, as it’s perfectly on point:

For most of human history, women have been reduced to three body parts: uterus, vagina and breasts. Their intellect was irrelevant; their talents were irrelevant; their wants and needs were irrelevant. For a while it appeared that we had moved beyond this deeply sexist and retrograde view of women, but now it’s back in a new guise: natural parenting, specifically natural childbirth, lactivism and attachment parenting. These movements place the (purported) needs of babies front and center. They ignore the needs of women.

I firmly believe that extremist thinking is in and of itself an illness.  It is delusional, obsessive and destructive behavior that MUST BE STOPPED.   This tragedy wasn’t just a wake-up call.  There have been all too many wake-up calls.  IT IS TIME FOR US TO WAKE THE F*CK UP.

Women are more than baby incubators and milk machines.

Attention Postpartum Depression Survivors in New York City

Just a quick post from me today to alert moms in New York City of an opportunity to share their postpartum depression (PPD) experiences.

Your stories will enable the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene (DOHMH) to learn about the needs of women who have experienced PPD.

We can only make progress in the development of services for new mothers if mothers speak up and share their experiences with others.  That’s akin to the social support structure that used to exist years and years ago when families lived close to one another and women in communities supported one another.

With increased services tailored to new mothers, we have a better shot at decreasing the occurrence of PPD and for those who do experience it, to help speed up their recovery and reduce negative outcomes.

So, please, if you are in New York City, please call Quiana Cooper at 212-235-6232 or e-mail her at qcooper@globalstrategygroup.com.

Women that participate in a focus group will receive a thank you of $100.

All responses and information will remain confidential.

All It Takes Is One Day

A few months ago I had somewhat of a falling out with a friend due to a meme that he posted on Facebook.  If it were just the meme, that would be one thing.  But it was my comment and his ensuing attacks on my comment that were biting (WHY????) and completely lacking in empathy that completely turned me off.  The meme had a “Just snap out of it” tone.  It implied that depression should not be used as a cop out or excuse to not succeed.  I can’t post that meme here to help illustrate why it elicited my perturbed and upset reaction, because I don’t recall what exactly the meme said and I wasn’t about to look through months of feeds of this person’s just to find it.  If it were just the one meme, then I might have just passed up on it.  But it’s a number of things that led up to it.  You see, there was history to this.

Have you ever had FB “friends” post things that pop up on your FB feed that grate on your nerves because they reflect just how disparate your ways of thinking really are?  Well, this person’s posts made me ponder how we could be friends if we had such different mindsets (e.g., extreme right versus moderate left, women’s reproductive rights, mental health).  After a while, I started noticing a trend from his occasional far-off-the-cliff remarks, which really made me think he was a troll (yes, that’s how bad it sometimes got).  His remarks showed just how unable he was to be empathic.   I have tried to explain on numerous occasions my viewpoint that is from a person who has experienced postpartum depression (PPD) to this person (just as I’ve had to explain to others with similar mindsets as this individual).  But it just was not sinking in.  There was no getting it.  It was like trying to get water out of a rock.  At some point, you just have to call it quits.  And so I did.

The friendship is still there.  I just can’t handle the posts anymore.  So, that person is no longer in my Close Friends feed, which I’ve had to resort to, as I’ve mentioned in prior posts.  I’m sure others have been in the same position.  We all have to pick and choose our battles….prioritize in order to get by each day.  There are some FB “friends” who have filtered my posts out since a couple years ago.  A couple years ago, I was posting things way more frequently than I am now, and they were about a variety of things (e.g., PPD, bullying, politics, rape, women’s reproductive rights)….essentially, negative news (that is REALITY…what happens out there in the real world that people have a hard time acknowledging) that people go out of their way on a daily basis to avoid because that is their self preservation tactic.  Hey, I get it.  After all, that’s what I’m doing now with this one individual.  I don’t have all of my FB “friends” in my Close Friends feed because they either never, ever post anything on FB or they never, ever interact with me (so what’s the point, right?).  Again, priorities.

With this experience, I understand the road before us to educate people on and de-stigmatize depression and other mental health-related matters is EXTREMELY DAUNTING.  While there is a very large number of individuals that are active on social media (blogs, Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, etc.), speakers who travel the world, and book authors who try to take on this daunting task each day, we still need to make sure we reach everyone–whether they are fighting a battle with depression or other mood disorder, or whether they are like my hard-headed friend who just fails to get it.  Everyone is NOT getting the message.   IGNORANCE AND STIGMA are to blame for that.  The biggest challenge by far in terms of reaching everyone is the fact that there will always be people who hear about experiences and continue to be unable to get it…..either willfully or because they want to but are unable to.   The former group will NEVER change their mindsets because they think they know it all; that everyone has the ability to SNAP OUT OF IT; that depression is a choice when in reality it is far from a choice.  The latter group is because they have no idea what it’s like to be depressed (like I was before I had PPD) and would like to understand but fail to be able to.  I have many friends who fall in this latter category.

Well, this is why if I had the ability to wish something to happen and make it happen, I wish that everyone would experience what it’s like to be depressed (not blue or sad, but truly depressed) one day.  ALL IT TAKES IS ONE DAY. It is only then that everyone will truly get it.

Challenges Faced by Asian American Women in the Workplace – Cultural Traits, Ceilings, Guilt, Assumptions and Stigma

Recently, I attended an Asian American professionals event.  Overall, I was happy I attended the event, mostly because the speakers spoke about the challenges they encountered on their path to their current status as successful and well-regarded professionals.  They spoke about having to overcome such cultural traits as humility and introversion, as well as their tendency to avoid speaking up.  Yes, because of the way we were raised, being aggressive is not natural and “silence is golden.”  These are self-defeating traits.  How can you move up the ranks and be noticed if you don’t speak up in meetings?  If you don’t speak your mind because you’re too humble? If you don’t give presentations to peers and management because you are introverted?

In addition to the familiar expressions “glass ceiling” (in reference to women, for the most part) and “bamboo ceiling” (in reference to Asian professionals, specifically….think about how many Asian executives there are in your workplace), when you add new motherhood to the equation, Asian women tend to have perfectionist tendencies and experience shame and guilt far more readily than women in other cultures due to their cultural traits and the way they were brought up.

I realize that the following are not just experienced by Asian American mothers in the workforce, but all mothers in the workforce.  So, in addition to the bamboo and glass ceilings, Asian American mothers also experience what I refer to as the “new mother ceiling.”

New mothers returning to the workforce experience GUILT from having to leave their baby in the care of someone else.  Most households does not have the fortune of having a relative (e.g., spouse, parent, in-law) or live-in nanny living with them, so there is the added challenge of pick-ups and drop-offs, which inevitably means having to take turns with their significant others dropping off (which means getting to work later) and picking up (which means leaving work earlier).  These drop-offs and pick-ups are a really big deal especially when there is a long commute at stake, and the childcare hours of operation mean the earliest you can drop off is 7:00 am (and in a majority of places, it’s not until 7:30 am or 8:00 am) and the latest you can pick up is 6:00 pm.  How in the world do parents deal with these hours?  They just have to.  They make it work somehow.  For some parents, like me, any “fast track” for which I may have been considered would have to wait until a more “opportune” time, when drop-offs and pick-ups no longer get in the way of that fast track.  For other parents, childcare is too expensive and it makes more economical sense for one of them to stay at home, and it’s usually the mother.  Hence, the stay at home mom.

New mothers returning to the workforce experience GUILT from leaving their babies in the care of others spend long days (ELEVEN hours) with someone other than themselves, but they worry about the impact getting in late and leaving early will have on their careers.  They fear that it’s going to put a dent on their performance assessments, that their managers frown on such hours when non-parents don’t have such issues and can get in early and leave late every day.  They fear the judgmental eyes and “another half day, eh?” remarks from colleagues looking at them like they spend less hours at work and therefore should be viewed less favorably by management.  I know, as I’ve been the brunt of these whisperings after my daughter was born.

New mothers returning to the workforce experience GUILT in situations where a woman needs or prefers (and is economically able) to stay at home, and yet you know your parents spent X amount of money for a college education to have a better shot at a successful career.  You feel like it was a waste of their hard-earned money (or blood, sweat and tears) to get you to where you are today.

Here’s where I want to mention that one of the two speakers was a woman who, like the man, explained the challenges she had to overcome in getting to where she is today.  Like any speaker giving a rah rah speech for career-minded individuals at a workplace event, she addressed the crowd in a general fashion, making assumptions in so doing.

She looked at the audience and firmly addressed the women in the audience with a statement that, and I can’t quote her exactly but the gist of what she was saying was, working mothers should be proud for returning to work after having their babies.  That just made it sound like stay at home mothers should feel bad for staying at home with their babies.

She mentioned how happy she was when her 12 year old daughter recently told her that she is proud of her mother’s successful career and she has no negative feelings or memories for not having spent that much time with her while growing up.  Unfortunately, this is not representative of the reactions of every child out there in similar circumstances.

She mentioned that she gave birth without the aid of an epidural and was in labor for 22 hours.  I have to say that she is fortunate there were no complications during/after her labor and delivery, because unfortunately, not every woman fares this well in similar circumstances.  Some experience childbirth complications, like I did.  Some don’t survive.  Some survive but their babies don’t.

She was sleep deprived and had to return to work within weeks of giving birth.  She mentioned that it’s definitely hard work but absolutely possible for everyone with babies to get by with little sleep and still do well at work.  She said that everyone has the ability to cope with the temporary challenges of new parenthood, juggling work with sleep deprivation.  She said something to the effect of “If I could do it, so can you. Don’t complain, just do.”  This is not a direct quote, mind you, but the gist of what she was saying at the very end of her speech.

I was deeply interested in/commiserated with and appreciated the speakers and what they had to say…..up until this last point.  It’s all good and fine that this is a rah rah speech for career-minded individuals.  But having gone through what I went through….postpartum depression (PPD), which is crippling and can make you doubt you’ll ever be well again, let alone back at work in the highly functioning, ambitious professional you were before you gave birth and ended up in the dark hole of despair that is PPD (and any other postpartum mood disorder), I found myself biting my lip, cringing inwardly while smiling outwardly and thinking to myself “She has no clue and I would venture to guess that even if I went up to her and told her how her last statements can hurt the one in eight women–many of whom are professionals–that end up stricken with PPD, she would wave me off just like the female colleague to whom I had tried to explain my PPD experience waved me off.”

Can I blame her for not getting it because she’s never been there?  No.  But I sure as heck am thinking about sending her a note (with perhaps a link to my blog or a copy of my book) that what she said absolutely does not resonate with everyone, and she should be mindful of the fact that not everyone can JUST DO IT like she did.  As much as one would like to JUST DO IT (after all, that is my favorite mantra of all time, thanks to Lance Armstrong and Nike), I COULD NOT.  Not until I was well again.

Having the attitude of JUST DO or BUCK UP or IF I CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU is an attitude that fails new mothers not from the standpoint of striving to keep up with male counterparts if we expect to climb up that corporate ladder and break through the bamboo, glass…and new mother ceilings, but from the assumption that no mother EVER has pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum complications.  Saying JUST DO, no matter what, is implying that mothers who have had new mother-related challenges are NOT GOOD ENOUGH and the mother with challenges must be all alone in her experience because, heck, no one ever shares negative stories of new mother-related challenges.  Well, that’s because everyone with negative experiences are all AFRAID of speaking up.  IT’S FEAR, GUILT, AND SHAME THAT KEEP THEM QUIET.

This is STIGMA, folks.  And we need to change attitudes in the workplace.  Do away with all the ceilings–bamboo and glass–as well as the negative perceptions and attitudes pertaining to working parents and new mothers, in general.  All I’m asking is for people to open their eyes and accept that not all new mothers have the ability to return to work, even if they want to.  That they should not be ashamed for the reason.  They should not be ashamed to speak up.  And just because a new mother does manage to return to work right after baby, it does NOT mean there were absolutely no childbirth or childcare complications along the way.  STOP ASSUMING that everything is fine and dandy because in reality, approximately 15-20% of new mothers succumb to PPD.  PPD is experienced by women of all cultures, ethnicities, social statuses, and religions.

Yes, I think I AM going to send her a copy of my book “One Mom’s Journey to Motherhood: Infertility, Childbirth Complications, and Postpartum Depression, Oh My!”

No One Wants to Hear Bragging About Losing Baby Weight Right Away

I just got back from a lovely dinner with the family in which we all enjoyed eating what we wanted to eat.  We ate to our heart’s content.  And then I went online and one of the first things I saw on Yahoo was this headline “Brandon Marshall –My Wife Just Had Twins….And She’s Already Pre-Baby Weight!”  Looks like in this case, it’s not the mom bragging.  It’s the husband.  “My beautiful wife is not from this planet,” Marshall says … “6 weeks post baby (×2) and she’s already at her pre baby (×2) weight.”  What are you seeking from the public by saying this, Mr. Marshall?  You wanna trophy or attention?  Well, if you want a trophy and attention, then help your team win the Super Bowl.

My reaction to this bragging and self-serving article about Mr. Marshall’s wife?

hcx3r

Woop-dee-doo and la-dee-da

This article annoyed the heck out of me.  Motivated me to write this blog post.  Something similar motivated me three years ago to write about the Media’s Over-Emphasis on Celebrity Post-Baby Bods After Childbirth.  It didn’t annoy me because I have been struggling with body issues.  I did not struggle with self esteem issues or unhappiness with my body/weight after I had my daughter 10 years ago.  I had a traumatic childbirth experience, followed by postpartum depression that descended on me quickly and mercilessly.  I experienced sudden and uncontrollable weight loss.  I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep.  I was afraid I was suffering from an illness I would never recover from.  But that article and articles like Mr. Marshall’s annoyed me because they are a disservice to new mothers, in general.  .

Mr. Marshall, if a woman who’s just had a baby and has bounced right back to the condition she first started before she even got pregnant, she’s either a celebrity or some other rich person who can afford a personal trainer to get you there and quickly. Like your wife.

The average mother takes quite a while to return to their pre-baby weight, and it takes a lot of effort too.  So, stop bragging about how it was no big deal for your wife.  The reality is (which is a different reality–or shall I say, and quite a propos too– planet than the one you and other celebrities/sports figures seem to find yourselves in), there are many mothers just trying to get by each day of their few weeks as new mothers, trying to adjust to parenthood for the first time, not having enough help and definitely not enough sleep, and about 15-20% succumbing to PPD.  The last thing new mothers should be worried about–certainly not in the FIRST SIX WEEKS (click here for what the first six weeks means when it comes to a real mother’s experience and how CRITICAL they are to her wellbeing) is returning to their pre-pregnancy weight and figure.  Celebrities need to get a grip and realize things do not revolve around them, even though they think that’s the case.  Everyone does NOT lead lives of the rich and famous.  Everyone does NOT have the ability to hire people for various types of help at the snap of a finger.

Who needs headlines jumping out bragging about a woman returning to her pre-pregnancy weight and body in only 6 weeks when most new mothers are out there struggling to learn how to breastfeed, diaper and care for their babies with insufficient support and guidance?  About 80% find themselves struggling with hormonal and emotional swings that come with the baby blues that in up to 20% of all new mothers morphs into PPD.  Most new moms are out there struggling to get enough hours of sleep each day so their sleep deprivation and anxieties of first-time motherhood don’t spiral into a postpartum mood disorder, like postpartum anxiety.  Many new moms are concerned about having to find dependable help to watch their baby so they can go back to work in 6-12 weeks’ time to help the family make ends meet.   Six to twelve weeks is hardly enough time for a new mom’s body to heal from childbirth and they are expected to leave their babies in the care of others to return to work, hitting the ground running, as if they’d never given birth in the first place.  How nice that men never have to go through this (and this is another point people need desperately to look more closely at….paid parental leave).

At the end of the day, no one wants to hear bragging about losing baby weight right away, m’kay.

Celebrating My 6th Blogiversary

Well, ladies (and perhaps some gentlemen), I’ve managed to keep my blog going for SIX years.  If you’ve been following my blog since the beginning, you might’ve noticed the gradual transition of my blog’s focus, tone and frequency.

But through it all, my intent has remained the same….to make sure that those who need the kind of support and reassurance that I couldn’t find and didn’t have access to during my postpartum depression (PPD) experience ten years ago can find my blog and feel a little less alone in their postpartum experience.

For the moms who are going through PPD with insomnia as an initial/primary symptom and are bewildered, like I was, as to why in the world I would not be able to fall asleep when I was so exhausted and recovering from a traumatic childbirth experience, hospital stay and blood loss.

For the moms who develop panic attacks and are bewildered, not understanding what is going on with them because they have never experienced panic attacks before.

For the moms who got pregnant after many years of trying through IVF, thinking all would be blissful once the baby arrives but instead are blindsided by the sudden onset of PPD.

These are the moms who are finding my blog.  Moms who longed to hold their babies in their arms the way they had envisioned they would but could not enjoy their first weeks with the baby because of the darkness of PPD that enveloped them.

I know I am still helping some moms. I know from the comments they leave. I know from the occasions a mom reaches out and asks me to email, text and/or call her.

I want you to be well and to get the right help as quickly as possible so you can.

For those who have been following my blog these past six years, thank you.

I hope to continue to come up with blog posts that people find in searches and that help make a difference in a mother’s (or father’s) life.

I have a few author interviews and other posts coming up.  Please stay tuned.