I Can Understand How the Despair from PPD Can Cause a Mother to Want to End Her Life

As a preface to this post, I’d like to share an excerpt from my book that reflects how the pain from postpartum depression (PPD) can fill a mother with so much despair and hopelessness–especially when she doesn’t know what is happening and why, and that there is a cure for whatever it was that is causing her to feel/behave/think the way she is feeling/behaving/thinking–that she would want to end her life.

One too many times, I gave Ed a miserable look and told him how scared I was that I didn’t know what was going on with me and I was afraid that I’d never get better. There would be tears in my eyes but I couldn’t cry. Most of the time, he didn’t know what to say. It was way after I had fully recovered from PPD that Ed finally admitted that he had feared I would never get well, never return to my old self, and never appreciate watching [our daughter] grow up.

Each day, I’d stand by a window, staring out at the snow and pleading for God to help me get through all this. I’d say over and over again, “Please, God, please help me get through this. My baby and husband need me … help me to be strong!” It was difficult for me to focus on any tasks. Often I’d sit there in the kitchen by myself or stand in the middle of a room, unsure of what to do next or not wanting to do anything at all. I felt like staying in bed all day long or in a tight ball hiding in a corner, rocking myself for comfort, but I couldn’t because I had to take care of [my baby]. During that time, I tried my best to interact with [my baby], to play with her, and talk to her.

…….. I thought I was never going to get better, I wasn’t going to be able to go back to work, and I wasn’t going to ever be well enough to take care of the baby. I just wanted to shrivel up into a tiny ball and disappear. I couldn’t bear the thought I was going to be like this for the rest of my life.

Although I never thought about actually ending my life, I constantly thought about disappearing because I just wanted all the misery to end.  And I most certainly couldn’t imagine staying in my PPD state for the rest of my life.  So it’s a good thing my PPD was cured when it was, as I’m not sure how much longer I would have lasted.  I have heard many other mothers who suffered from PPD that thought about disappearing as well.  I have also heard a few instances of mothers thinking about taking their own lives and/or actually attempting suicide.  Each time I hear these stories, it makes me feel more committed than ever to continue blogging and trying to reach people who are struggling with PPD.

I’ve been wanting to share a couple of important articles about suicide as the second leading cause of death for women in the postpartum period….one article is from last June and the other is from 3 months ago.

The one from 3 months ago (5/2/2018) was written by Catherine Pearson on Huffington Post titled “Suicide is a leading cause of suicide for new moms but awareness is low.”  The article focuses on the story of Kari who died by suicide back June 2010.  Kari’s sister, Karla, shared the story to try to educate other mothers on how deadly PPD can be. Like some of the other stories I’ve shared on this blog, Kari’s family was unaware of how bad her PPD was until it was too late.  Her family was getting her ready to move in with them to help her out until she felt better, but never had a chance to do so.   Within 4 weeks of giving birth, she died by suicide.  Her condition had quickly gone from giving birth to not being able to sleep (what happened to me) to feeling super anxious to wanting to harm herself.  The day before she was going to see a doctor about her condition, she died by suicide.

The one from last June (6/5/2017) was written by Gina Louis for Medium titled “The Night Postpartum Depression Almost Killed Me.” This is the story of a new mother who, after struggling with feelings of inadequacy and feeling a failure of a mother and wife that her children and husband would be better off without, she planned to take her own life one night.  She was going to let the dark hole of despair swallow her up.  But she thankfully didn’t carry it out that night.  She got help.  She is now, like me, a survivor speaking up and trying to help others realize that PPD can be overcome with the right help.  As my experience has made me feel stronger and more confident than before, her experience has made her feel stronger and more confident than before.

What Kari’s sister and Gina Louis are trying to do by sharing these stories is to educate folks on how deadly PPD can be and how quickly things can become deadly.  PPD is a serious condition that can lead to tragic consequences quickly.  If you or someone you know is suffering from PPD, please seek/get them to seek treatment asap.

For a country that is so advanced in medicine and technology, we must ask ourselves why American mothers don’t have enough access to, or education about, maternal mental health treatment and why American policy makers can’t do more to address the stubbornly high rates of pregnancy-related death and pregnancy-related suicides, which account for one in five postpartum deaths.

If you or someone you know needs help, call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
You can also text HOME to 741-741 for free, 
24-hour support from the Crisis Text Line.
Outside of the U.S., please 
visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of resources.

In the Wake of the Recent Celebrity Suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain

I am shaken by the suicides of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade.  Very shaken.  Although I was never much of a fan of Kate Spade’s hand bags, shoes, clothing and jewelry, I was a pretty big fan of Anthony Bourdain’s for the simple fact that he brought very different people together around the world through an appreciation, respect, and curiosity of the vast array of cuisines and cultures.

These very successful individuals that you never once heard had any issues with depression or other mental health issues are suddenly taking their own lives.  I’ve seen comments that there are so many veteran suicides each day.  Don’t they matter?  Well, everyone matters……

Veterans matter.
Celebrities matter.
Mothers matter.
Fathers matter.
Young people matter.
Old people matter.

Why are we making such a big deal out of these celebrities?  For one, you see them on television, in newspapers, on the news, etc.  When you see them, do you ever see them depressed?  Unhappy?  Nope.  Do you ever hear about them being depressed?  Unhappy?  In Kate’s and Anthony’s situations, I do not believe there has ever been any mention of any struggles with depression.  I truly hope that the good that comes from these recent, high profile suicides that took place one after another–all in less than a week’s time–is a greater understanding that you can’t base the well-being of a person on looks, societal status, race, and religion alone.  People may have a history of mental illness and you would never know by looking at them.

Poor people have mental health issues.
Rich people have mental health issues.
Outgoing people have mental health issues.
Shy people have mental health issues.
Self confident people have mental health issues.
People lacking self confidence have mental health issues.
People of every race have mental health issues.
People of every religion have mental health issues.
[Don’t kid yourself if you believe the above statements are not true.]

The other thing I keep seeing is something that totally pisses me off.  People bad-mouthing the deceased with “Suicide is selfish.”  How the heck would you even know what they were going through?  They could have been battling so much pain for so many years, but how would you know?  Tell me, because I would love to know.  Are you like an alien and can take over the person’s body so you can know exactly how that person is feeling?  This reminds me of a previous post that I want to bring up again here.  All it takes is one day for you to know the extent of suffering that a person experiences.  I wish the haters and people passing judgment could walk in the shoes of a person battling bipolar disorder, PTSD, and depression.  After you go through that experience, then let’s talk.  Until then….SHUT. UP.

What’s truly behind the surface can only be determined if we sit down and spend time with them.  So, think about your circle of friends–not all thousand people that may be in your FB circle cuz, let’s face it, not everyone in that circle is truly a friend–and create a list of people you haven’t spoken to, heard from and/or seen in a while.  And arrange to meet them over a meal, and if not a meal, then coffee.  Or invite them over to your house.  Or visit them at their home.  Whatever you do should facilitate a conversation.  A real conversation.  A good ol’ fashioned in-person chat.  No social media.  No texting.  No emails.   The way it was in the good ol’ days before all this “social media” got in the way of forging true relationships.  That’s what we need more of.

Which brings me to this….as it seems society has degenerated thanks to social media that we now need people to create places like Sip of Hope, just to have a place where people can (truly) talk.

I saw a video on my Facebook feed, posted by a Facebook page called Well-Rounded Life a couple days ago about the brand new  coffee shop, Sip of Hope, that opened  at Logan Square, Chicago, last month during mental health awareness month.  Sip of Hope is run by Hope for the Day, founded by Jonny Boucher.  Here’s the link to the Chicago Tribune article that talks about what the coffee shop hopes to accomplish.  Hope for the Day is a Chicago not for profit that aims to raise awareness around suicide prevention and mental illness.  All proceeds will go to Hope for the Day.  It presents a unique approach of opening up a coffee shop for the purpose of allowing people to come in and talk, as well as eliminate stigma of mental health issues.  Baristas double as mental health aides.  There are pamphlets/flyers containing info on local mental health resources.

Good on ya, Jonny Boucher, for coming up with this idea and having it come true.  I sincerely hope this coffee shop stays open for a very long time, and other Sip of Hopes will open across the country until every major city has one!

Below is the video that was on CBS News before the grand opening:

 

Wake-up call for new moms who feel “off” for days after childbirth (and family members of these moms)

I’m finally blogging again after a slight reprieve from being unbelievably busy for weeks with work and then vacation and then feverishly cleaning my house for guests coming over (if I had more time to clean regularly cleaning wouldn’t be such a big deal).  Also, I am in the process of slowly transitioning off of the laptop I’ve had for over 8 years, so every single tab I’ve had open (which is a lot) need to be closed, obviously.  These tabs have been open for months for me to blog about and/or read but just haven’t had the time to do.  So, here I am trying to get through as many articles as possible.

Many of the tabs had stories about moms who died from severe postpartum depression (PPD), so I decided to blog about the deaths of FOUR moms who suffered from severe postpartum depression (PPD).  These are just four of the deaths from a postpartum mood disorder that have occurred since 2016.  There have been others, but these are the only ones other than the D’Achilles story (which I mentioned back in May) that I have come across in my daily news feeds because loved ones of these women have spoken up  and shared their stories so that others would not suffer such experiences.

In a Good Housekeeping article published on May 19, 2017 by Andrea Stanley titled “The Voice That Said ‘I’m a Bad Mom’ Killed My Wife,” Greg Ludlam opens up about the severe postpartum depression that took the life of his wife Elizabeth on June 1, 2016.  When their second child was around one year old, something about Elizabeth seemed off.  She wasn’t herself.  Little things set her off.  She withdrew from friends and neighbors.  She started saying and believing she was a bad mom.  There was no longer any joy or enthusiasm in things that used to make her happy. She got angry over things at work when she was never previously that way.  These are all trademark symptoms of PPD but Greg had no idea that his wife was suffering from it.  He has had to cope with the guilt of not picking up on what was going on and getting professional help.

Greg Ludlam urges the significant others of new mothers to do the following:

“….[If] you see something not right with your wife or partner, you need to get help right away from a medical professional who specializes in mental health care.  I’m not talking about tomorrow or next week — now.”

He also urges new moms to do the following:

“For anyone who is reading this and you’re feeling overwhelmed or you’re feeling like a bad mom or you’re feeling like a lousy wife, or just feeling unloved and alone — you’re not. You’re not a bad mom. You’re not a lousy wife. You’re not unloved and alone. There’s help. You need to reach out to a qualified mental health doctor right now.”

In a CTV News article published on January 18, 2017 titled “B.C. widower urges moms suffering postpartum depression: ‘Please seek help ‘” Kim Chen opens up about the severe PPD that took the life of his wife, Florence Leung shortly after she gave birth to their son in October 2016.   She had gone missing shortly after giving birth to her son and her body was pulled from the water near an island close to Vancouver, British Columbia.  Florence was being treated for PPD before her disappearance.  Chen urges new moms who feel anxious and/or experiencing low mood to seek help and share their feelings.  He mentions there is a too much pressure and too many misconceptions regarding breastfeeding, as the hospital where they delivered the baby had Breast is Best materials that reiterated over & over how breast milk should be the only food for babies for the first six months.  He realizes the benefits of breast milk but at the same time believes formula is totally fine as either a supplement or replacement for breast milk.  It should be a personal choice and dependent on circumstances.

Chen wants new mothers to know:

“Do not EVER feel bad or guilty about not being able to “exclusively breastfeed”, even though you may feel the pressure to do so based on posters in maternity wards, brochures in prenatal classes, and teachings at breastfeeding classes.”

In a Her View from Home article published in September 2016 titled “New Mom Takes Her Own Life After Silent Battle With Postpartum Depression: Why All of Us Must Share Her Friend’s Plea,” author Julie Anne Waterfield  opens up about the severe PPD that took the life of her friend Allison on June 28, 2016.  Allison leaves behind her husband and daughter.  Julie wants people to know that there is nothing shameful about PPD.  The transition to being a mother can be very difficult and it is important to get help from your husband/partner, friends, relatives (and if you’re not feeling yourself, seek help from a counselor and/or support group).  The road to motherhood is not always smooth or peachy.  For some new mothers (like me), the road is very difficult–not to mention lonely and for first-time moms uncertain, guilt-ridden and downright scary.  For these mothers, not having a birth and postpartum experience as they envisioned it *should* be makes them feel ashamed.

Julie wants new mothers to know:

“To all those mothers out there experiencing some of these same feelings: you are not alone, and you are not a bad mother!  PPD is lying to you.  It is twisting your memories, feelings, and beliefs and reshaping them into an overwhelming falsehood.  You will not be judged, only loved, as you seek help.  To those breast-feeding mothers taking Reglan (metoclopramide) to increase milk supply: stop and do research. Reglan has detrimental side effects such as new or worsening depression, suicidal ideation and suicide.  Supplement with formula if needed.  Your baby will be just as perfect and healthy with or without the breast milk.  Having more breast milk is not worth sacrificing your mental health or possibly your life.”

And finally in a The Hour article published by Kaitlyn Krasselt on September 8, 2017 titled “Norwalk sisters raising awareness about postpartum depression, suicide,” the sisters of Kara Kovlakas open up about the severe PPD that took Kara’s life (one day before she was to turn 33) on October 13, 2016, nine months after giving birth to her 2nd child.  Kara’s family created the Light for Kara website in her memory and to help raise awareness about postpartum mood disorders.  Kara had suffered from depression and anxiety before she had children.  Within 7 months after giving birth, her thoughts started to become jumbled and she couldn’t think clearly. She had doubts that she was a good parent.  A dark cloud followed her everywhere. She couldn’t see the positives, only the negatives each day. She had been seeking outpatient treatment for her depression and anxiety, and kept insisting to her family that she was getting better.  From the outside, she looked fine to everyone.  But taking her own life was something that her family and friends never expected.

Kara’s sister, Lauren Shrage, wants people to know:

“This is a real mental illness. The shame new moms feel about needing to reach out for help is real. As a new mom, you’re expected to have it all together. We’re all new moms too and the only thing anyone ever mentioned to me about postpartum depression was a pamphlet in the folder I took home from the hospital. That’s not enough.”

Please take these experiences to heart. Share them with others. We need to de-stigmatize PPD by being open about it and avoid being judgmental. Remember that not all postpartum experiences are peachy, and that one in seven new mothers experience a postpartum mood disorder. Let’s keep a close eye on the new moms in our lives.  Offer them help, not criticism. Don’t help push a new mom over the edge with Breast is Best or other one-size-fits-all tactics.  ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL.  Everyone is different.  Everyone’s childbirth and postpartum experiences are different. We want mothers AND babies to thrive, not die.

If you or a loved one doesn’t seem to be herself for days after childbirth, reach out and ask her to share about her postpartum experience with you and/or a health practitioner.  Getting help can mean life or death, as you can see from this blog post.  Postpartum Support International has a warmline (800-944-4773) and a listing of local resources to help with finding local help.  Reach out to me by leaving a comment below and I can respond via email.

Did you know that you can text 741741 when you are feeling really depressed or suicidal? A crisis worker will text you.  It’s a free service by The Crisis Text Hotline! (Only in the US).  Texting has proven to be a more preferred way of reaching out for and getting help.

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is available 24/7. If you or a loved one needs help right now, call 1-800-273-8255.  It’s confidential and provides a network of over 140 crisis centers nationwide.    You can also visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Dear Evan Hansen: The Broadway Musical That Connects Us All

Congratulations to Dear Evan Hansen for its Tony Award nominations!  From the time I first heard Ben Platt sing “Waving Through A Window” weeks before the show even hit Broadway, I decided I had to see the show as soon as it came out.  So, see it I did during previews in November 2016.  AND IT WAS AMAZING!!!

And how a propos that the nomination occurred this past week during Mental Health Awareness Month, as the theme of the show is high school students struggling with social anxiety, drug addiction, depression and suicide.  Yes, it’s a pretty deep theme for a musical, but the cast, music and overall production are so amazing that the show has been sold out for weeks especially with the Tony Awards coming up on June 11th.  Thank you to the amazing cast, crew, director and producers for bringing such an important topic to the Broadway stage!

Ben Platt’s voice and acting were out-of-this-world-good.  No one else would be able to carry out the role of Evan the way he’s been carrying it out since the show hit the Broadway stage last November (oh, excuse me, since the show was first performed in Washington, DC from July 10, 2015-August 23, 2015 and then Off-Broadway from March 26, 2016-May 29, 2016).

It’s not surprising that Dear Evan Hansen has garnered 9 Tony nominations, and I would be extremely surprised–not to mention, disappointed–if it doesn’t win at least Best Actor in a Musical and Best Score for the amazing lyrics of Oscar-winning La La Land lyricists Benj Pasek and Justin Paul.  It was these lyrics in addition to the cast’s vocals that helped the musical’s cast recording to debut in the Billboard album chart’s top 10….the first time for a Broadway musical recording to do so since the 1960s.  Yes, you heard right!  Hamilton didn’t even debut in the Billboard album chart’s top 10 (it debuted at #12).  After the Dear Evan Hansen album was officially released on February 3, 2017,  it landed in the #8 spot on the Billboard 200 chart, and in so doing, it becomes the highest-charting musical since Lerner and Loewe’s Camelot debuted at #4 in 1961. Yes, you heard right!  It’s only one of 4 musicals to earn a top 10 Billboard spot in the past 50 years other than Hamilton, Book of Mormon, and the original 1969 production of Hair!

Here’s the video of the April 25, 2017 performance of “You Will Be Found” on the Today Show.  I cried from the moving lyrics while at the show, just as watching the intensity of the singers singing the emotional lyrics brings tears to my eyes each time I watch this video (I watched it about 5x in a row after I stumbled across it on the Internet this afternoon)…until I finally decided to write about this on my blog.  Here are the lyrics.

 

We need more shows like this (similar to Chicago Med) that show regular people–regular people like Evan or even like me (I had postpartum depression but most people around me didn’t know I even had the condition until I opened up months or even years later via my blog)–living around us that are struggling to cope with some sort of mental illness but you wouldn’t know it unless they shared that with you.  Mental illness is not just about some “nut” or “psycho” that’s dangerous to others…..nor is it something that you can control and “snap out of” at the blink of a finger or via spa treatment or buy buying yourself something nice.

We decrease stigma and shame by normalizing mental health issues. And why wouldn’t we?  After all, just to give you an example of how prevalent depression is, according to statistics, approximately 14.8 million adults–or 6.7% of Americans aged 18 and older–are affected by it in any given year.  Shows like Dear Evan Hansen brings much-needed awareness to mental health challenges that are very much a part of all too many people’s lives, people like Evan Hansen.  Like Evan, all too many people need help but go unnoticed.

Dear Evan Hansen connects us all.

If you live in the NY metro area, I recommend you see this show.  If you’re not in the NY metro area, I recommend you listen to the full Broadway recording on Youtube.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call the
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741-741

Here are some other important Suicide Prevention Resources:

The #1 Killer of Teen Girls Worldwide

I was motivated to write this blog post tonight due to a Telegraph article that appeared in my Facebook feed today written by Nisha Lilia Diu and titled: “Suicide is now the biggest killer of teenage girls worldwide. Here’s why.”

That headline shocked me.  And it is shocking a lot of people, even those firmly entrenched in the fields of global women’s rights.  This headline should shock everyone.  It should shock people into trying to do something to turn those statistics around.

Yes, suicide is now the #1 killer of girls/young women between the ages of 15 and 19.  Suicide has overtaken maternal mortality as the #1 killer of young women in the world….a statistic buried–yes, buried–in the latest World Health Organisation report.  This information does not deserve to be buried.  It needs to be written about, talked about and acted upon!  I am glad Nisha wrote this Telegraph article!  In the article, you’ll see the alarming numbers of suicides in girls ages 15-19 in the different regions of the world.

Teen girls ages 15-19 face, regardless of location:

  • hormone changes
  • emotional changes (e.g., increase in vulnerability and decline in self confidence)
  • behavior changes (e.g., attracting mate, sex drive, competition)
  • identity issues (e.g., acceptance among peers, desire to fit in, peer pressure)

Add to that the following disadvantages society places on women, including:

  • societal expectations
  • disempowerment
  • marginalization

Add to that the use of social media throughout much of the world.  I’ve blogged in the past about it, but I will sum up the basics of the detrimental impact social media can have on emotionally vulnerable teen girls.  The malicious words of a complete stranger, aka troll, that confirm an emotionally vulnerable teenager’s feelings (i.e., self hate, thoughts of suicide) by saying things like “Yeah, you’re ugly alright. Why don’t you just go kill yourself.”  These are the trolls I wish more than anything in the world–with the exception of the complete eradication of mental health stigma, terrorism, misogny and people killing each other–can be located and zapped from existence.  Like in a video game.  These haters are a danger to others and need to be stopped.

I need to mention the tragic story of 12 year old Izzy, which I learned about from this blog post last week.  While we do not know what exactly led to her being publicly shamed online by her father after he hacked her hair, and it is unlikely that the video alone led to her jumping out of a car and off a bridge to her death, what I do know is that ANY teen acting out (e.g., doing drugs, rebellious behavior, locking themselves in their rooms) needs help, NOT punishment or public shaming.  FULL STOP.

As in so many cases you will read about in the news of teens taking their own lives, there may have been no signs that they were distressed to the point that they felt they had to end their lives to escape the pain with which they are struggling.  Today, I came across this touching obituary written by the parents of Clay Shephard in North Carolina, whose son was smiling despite what was driving his drug addictions. There was no indication whatsoever that he was going to take his own life.  Included in the obituary were these words that sound very much like my post about a fellow alum’s son’s sudden tragic passing a few months ago:

To all parents, pay attention to your children and the world that revolves around them – even when the surface is calm, the water may be turbulent just beneath.

You may wonder how all this has anything to do with postpartum depression (PPD).  It’s important to remember that many cases of depression surface during the teenage years and follow you throughout life.  One of the primary risk factors of PPD is a history of depression. I delve into relevant statistics and risk factors in my book. And you may be interested in checking out my prior posts relating to teenage years.

It’s with knowledge that there is any hope of REDUCING STIGMA AND REDUCING DEPRESSION!

Thoughts of Suicide and the Taboo of Discussing It

I think the title of my post speaks for itself, but just in case, I will add a trigger warning…

*** This post may be triggering if you are are emotionally vulnerable right now***

Below is an excerpt from a recent Facebook post over at the Angel Rehtaeh Facebook page I’ve been following since Rehtaeh Parsons of Novia Scotia died by suicide on April 7, 2013.  The cause of her attempted suicide has been blamed on the online distribution of photos of an alleged gang rape committed by four boys in November 2011, and subsequent persistent cyberbullying and bullying that took place that drove her to try to end her life.

As I’ve mentioned in past posts, I am just as concerned about girls’ mental health as I am about maternal mental health because there is risk of postpartum mood disorders occurring when there is a history of depression, bipolar disorder, or other mental health issue.  And as many of my blog followers already know, since I was a victim of bullying while growing up, I am just about as passionate an advocate for anti-bullying as I am an advocate for maternal mental health.  And mental health/depression and suicide as topics for discussion?  Still very taboo in our society today.  Yes, they are still very hush hush and make for awkward topics to talk about.  But not awkward enough for my lunch group today, which I had the pleasure of organizing as a mini reunion of four fellow Postpartum Support International (PSI) members from as far away as Arizona in addition to Long Island and of course, New Jersey.  Yes, we talked about suicide, among a number of other maternal-mental-health-related matters….not to mention our books (3 out of the 4 PSI members are book authors).

Not speaking up about suicide is just like not speaking up about mental health….it doesn’t do anyone any good.  It just keeps it a completely taboo topic.  It makes people who experience it feel ashamed and alone, when in fact they are far from alone.   People with suicidal thoughts may feel like no one cares and no one will ever understand what they are going through.  That’s simply not true.  There are always people who care.  The key is whether you spoke to the right person about what you’re going through.  When I say right person, I mean a loved one whom you trust and can help connect you with someone who is trained to help those who are in a dark place say that there truly is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The following excerpt is being quoted with permission from Rehtaeh’s mother, Leah Parsons:

The sad part about thoughts of suicide and the taboo of discussing it is that so many people especially teenagers go through times where they have these thoughts. Instead of acknowledging that these thoughts are more common than we know…we make people feel like there is something “wrong” with them. That somehow they are “weak” and can not handle life’s pressures. Schools need more talk of mental health- not less. Not talking about mental health does not equal less suicides. Actually, talking with supports in place is the answer to helping peoples – especially teens deal with their emotional struggles.  So what would I say to someone who is wanting to leave this beautiful world?
I would say:

1. You are not alone.
2. This too shall pass….what seems like the darkest of days can lead you to the brightest light.
3. When we come out of darkness we have a better lense in which to view the world.
4. Find the smallest of things to look forward to everyday. It can be the feeling of crawling under your comfy blankets at night. Embrace comfort!
5. Ask for guidance to something bigger than yourself…even if you don’t believe in God, ask the Universe..you will get an answer but you have to be present. Listen,be present for that opportunity!
6. Look around you for beauty….it’s there and inside of you too.
7. Find one person you trust…find “YOUR” therapy whatever that may be…explore that.
8. Look around you at the people who love you…you matter to them even if it feels like your a burden…thats not true that is something you are feeding yourself to confirm your negative feelings. Its a trick your mind plays with you when you are down.
9. Life is hard and again YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
10. What seems like desperation and sadness today is not permanent….it will not always be that way.
11. Don’t compare your journey to another.
12. Someone else may seem strong and have everything going for them, but they too will struggle or are struggling.
13. You are loved…find the love in you and feed yourself the way you would a friend that is down.
14. Listen to your thoughts, is that how you would talk to a friend? Be that friend to yourself!
15. Please Stay there will never be another YOU!

I would like to end this post with a reminder to reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline if you are feeling like you are at the end of your rope, there is no hope, there is no way out of the situation that is making you feel so bad, and/or your loved ones would be better of without you.  Contrary to what you may believe, your loved ones will NOT be better without you.

Wow, Didn’t Realize My Join the Anti-Bullying Movement Post Comes Up First in Searches!

I’m surprised to say that, and I only realized this a couple of days ago, that the 1st link that comes up under the term “Join the Anti-Bullying Movement” on Yahoo and Google is mine!  It’s not as if I coined the phrase, and it’s not a new concept, so not sure why…especially since my blog is dedicated primarily to postpartum depression/maternal mental health issues and awareness.  But I’ll take it!  🙂

This is an important issue, and it is so disheartening when you hear, just today that another child, this time a 14 year old in Iowa, has become another victim of bullycide (the term used for children who commit suicide as a consequence of bullying).   Bullying must stop!  The only way that’s going to happen, though, is for students, school staff, and parents to band together and prevent further tragedies from occurring.  No child should have to feel so victimized that they succumb to depression, low self esteem, cutting, etc.  I guest posted a few days ago over at the blog My Kindness Counts about my reflections on the movie “Bully” that was recently released.  My post includes things we can all do to to try to put an end to bullying. My Kindness Counts is written by a young girl named Jessica, whose mission is to encourage young people from around the nation to work together to come up with more positive ways to address bullying in our communities.   I applaud her efforts, as well as the efforts of a growing number of other young folks in this country, to try to help fellow teens get through what I refer to as some of the most challenging years of their lives.

The roots of depression most often stem from early childhood through teenage years.  Early bonding experiences with parents, stability of living conditions, quality friendships and an environment in which the parents serve as positive role models and are nurturing are key to minimizing self esteem issues that seem to be what so many youth struggle with.  Verbal, emotional and physical abuse, a parent(s) that is depressed and/or an alcoholic, and bullying in school all take a tremendous toll on a child’s sense of security and self esteem.  The result of low self esteem include eating disorders, cutting, doing drugs, drinking, and depression. It doesn’t help that the teenage years are a time in which physical and behavioral changes occur that challenge self confidence levels and a sense of identity (in which a sense of belonging is important) as well.  The way a young person reacts to adversity, like bullying for example, depends on his/her overall emotional health and level of self confidence.

Our youth represent our future.  Let’s help make sure their teenage years are positive experiences.  Let’s help make sure depression rates don’t continue to climb.  Let’s build a culture of empathy.  Let’s speak up about mental health issues and keep the attitudes about these issues going in a positive direction via the daily dialogues we have, rather than continuing to sweep them under the rug with a See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, there’s nothing wrong, they’ll get over it, attitude….and an attitude that perpetuates the stigma and ignorance that has kept us in the dark, all blind, deaf, and mute for far too long.  The statistics indicate that each and every one of us knows someone who is struggling with depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, or some other mental illness.  We need to get a grip on reality, smell the coffee…whatever!  You get the picture….or do you?  I surely hope so!

Depression and Teen Suicides….It WILL Get Better

I’m on a real roll right now with 3 blog posts in < 1 week!    Well, what has spurred me to post today is an article titled “Experts fear copycat suicides after bullying cases” by Geoff Mulvihilli (AP) that I came across today concerning the recent teen suicides….6 since Tyler Clementi’s suicide on September 22, 2010.  I am digressing from postpartum depression in that I am blogging about teen suicides, though suicides do occur in cases of postpartum mood disorders (PMDs) as well.   I did blog about teen suicide once before, and in that post, I wrote about what makes girls more prone to depression once they hit puberty.

The circumstances that led to Tyler’s suicide were disturbing, despicable and disgraceful.  The lives of those involved will never be the same, ever.  The good that will come out of Tyler’s story is the realization that something must be done to put an end to bullying that has always occurred among our youth but its effect has become all the more deadly thanks to the Internet and other social media tools, whether it be live video streams (as in Tyler’s case), chat rooms, texting, or Twitter.  President Obama and celebrities such as Ellen DeGeneres have made public appeals.  The Trevor Project’s “It Gets Better” campaign has been very active in the past couple of months in reaching out to teens and providing them with resources and hope.   States that hadn’t previously had anti-bullying laws have since either put them into place or are in the process of putting them in place.  There are now only 5 states with no anti-bullying laws.  Click here for state-specific legislative details. 

Click here for a Photo Essay of the victims of bullying just from this past year.  If these pictures don’t make you want to try to help stop bullying, I don’t know what will.  Having been a victim of bullying, you bet I will do whatever I can to help spread awareness and join any campaigns against bullying.  From the time my daughter reaches first grade until she graduates from high school, I will be involved in anti-bullying matters at her school.  And if there isn’t any anti-bullying policy in place in her school when she’s there–or at the very least counselors adequately trained to recognize signs of depression and know what to do when there is bullying going on–I sure as heck will do what I can to make sure one is put in place.

Per the article, Laura McGinnis, spokeswoman for The Trevor Project, said that her group’s crisis hotline has seen a 75% increase in calls and an increase in requests from schools and community leaders for “survival kits” since Tyler’s death.  I’d like to highlight what Ms. McGinnis said with respect to–and this applies to all individuals who are troubled and in need of someone to talk to–crisis intervention:

“It’s important for people who are feeling suicidal to know where to turn to for help, whether it’s a hot line, a friend or a hospital.  There are people out there who can help you, who are willing to listen.”

Says Ann Haas, director of prevention programs at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:

“If youth are struggling with depression, the impact of bullying can be quite different than if they’re otherwise emotionally healthy.”

And this, folks, is the one very big distinguishing factor between how different teens handle situations like bullying, teenage angst and/or a dysfunctional family.  When I saw a Facebook comment a few weeks ago from one of my “friends” who happens to be in high school how he could never, ever feel down enough to hurt or kill himself despite all that he had to put up with in high school, so what’s up with the new trend of teens killing themselves instead of dealing with their problems, I had to speak up.  I basically said that one who has never suffered from depression will never understand what it’s like to be depressed–to feel so alone, worthless, and desperate enough to want to end it all.   Just like this article says, it’s not just one factor (i.e., bullying) that may lead an individual to thoughts of suicide.   There is a whole lot more to it.  Personality (i.e., self esteem), the way a person was brought up to deal with issues, and support system among family/friends (or lack thereof) all have a lot to do with it.  People need to open their eyes to see when someone in their lives isn’t himself or herself, could use someone to talk to and provide a shoulder to lean on, and needs a hotline/warmline and/or professional help.

I am going to now draw a parallel with PPD here.  Moms who have never had a PMD will never understand what it’s like to have a PMD.  That’s a fair statement to make, but it shouldn’t keep people from becoming educated.  From opening their eyes.  From forgetting the dumb stigma that’s associated with depression, especially depression occurring after childbirth.  From forgetting the even dumber motherhood myths.  From recognizing when something is not right with a new mom and helping her to seek professional help.   From recognizing when a call to 1-800-273-TALK (8255) is needed.

What we all need to do is to become educated on symptoms of depression in the people in our lives and know what to do to help.   Everyone deserves help and support.  With the right help and support, any situation that’s troubling an individual can and WILL pass.  As the Trevor Project motto goes “It Gets Better”…..it really does.

Here are some important Suicide Prevention Resources:

Bullying and Suicide…Teen Angst and Depression

I have been focusing my tweets on bullying and teen suicide lately due to the recent media attention on the topics due to the string of suicides—one of which is that of Phoebe Prince of S. Hadley, MA (which happens to be the town of my alma mater)–some of which were the consequence of bullying.  Now, before you start to think that perhaps I’ve digressed from the topic of postpartum depression (PPD), please take a few minutes to read on.   I hope you will do so, because I believe the message is extremely important. 

“Don’t wait for your child to come to you with information that she is being bullied. Watch for warning signs, and approach your child if you suspect bullying. Warning signs include unexplained injuries (including scratches); a lack of friends; fear about attending school/events with peers; suddenly beginning to do poorly in school; moodiness or change in demeanor; complaints of physical symptoms, such as stomachaches or headaches; and change in sleeping or eating habits.”

Most of these happen to be warning signs of depression.  Parents need to be able to recognize symptoms and understand the risk factors for depression and be on the lookout for them in their children proactively.  Parents should never make the assumption (you know what they say about assumptions) that their kid couldn’t possibly be struggling with a mood disorder –like depression, for one—because of their smiling and energetic outward appearances and involvement with activities, sports and friends.  My belief is that, if we all educate ourselves on the risk factors and symptoms of depression, we can help minimize and even help prevent the onset of depression when our children are at their most vulnerable emotionally, which is during their adolescent years.  Click here for what makes girls more prone to depression once they hit puberty.

These are my suggestions on what we can all do with respect to bullying in school:

  •  Parents need to serve as good role models of kindness and empathy, rather than the attributes I referred to in my last post as “Meow” behavior.  Parents also need to be proactive when they see their child or someone else’s child being bullied.  Don’t just stand around and think it will pass, it’s no big deal, and my (or the) kid can take it.  Doing nothing would support the already prevalent notion that bullying is acceptable and a normal part of growing up….when in fact it’s neither.
  • Society as a whole—including our school system—is culpable from not having enough educational campaigns on bullying and anti-bullying policies/laws….or even spotting symptoms of depression, for that matter.  The superintendent and principal in the S. Hadley high school should be fired. Intolerance for bullying behavior should be demonstrated via appropriate actions taken against those charged with the care of children. They should absolutely be held accountable for the behavior they knew about and yet chose to do nothing about. All schools should be required to develop anti-bullying policies. In my high school, I tried to speak to my guidance counselor, and she was of no help at all.  Well, then, make sure that people who hold such positions are properly trained to handle different circumstances of teen issues!

Who knows just how many teenagers want to commit suicide because they feel alone in their experience, miserable because no one seems to understand what they are going through? I’ve been through all this, I know. I’ve been bullied in school. But it was nothing compared to what Phoebe had to suffer day in and day out…..literally, because with Facebook, Twitter, blogs, and texting, you can’t escape the bullying.  It all follows you into the privacy of your own home. Not only that, but the whole bullying thing opens up to a wider audience on the worldwide web. This is what kids being bullied now have to deal with. If I felt as miserable as I did back before the days of computers, God only knows what would’ve happened if I were a teenager today, being bullied via text messages, Facebook, Twitter, etc.?  I might have ended up like Phoebe. 

My Miserable Teenage Years

I had a lonely and miserable childhood.  It didn’t help that we moved eight times before my family finally settled in North Caldwell, NJ, right in time for my brothers to enter elementary school.  I can certainly understand how children of military families feel in terms of instability and no one place to call home.  My parents didn’t sell that house until both my brothers moved out of the house and I got married.  Great childhood experience for both my brothers.  Lousy one for me.  Unlike my brothers who are still friends with their childhood friends, I do not have any childhood friends from school, as I never had a chance to develop any long-term friendships.  It got to the point that I was scared to make friends.  It didn’t help that I was painfully shy.  And it wasn’t easy making friends from scratch at a junior high school where everyone already had their cliques and where I was the only Chinese girl in a class of approximately 350 students.  Prejudice was rampant at West Essex Regional School.  I had to endure people making fun of me, taunting me constantly.  I’ll never forget the day I walked by a school bus and someone spit at me through a window.  I may have survived all those taunts, and they indelibly molded me into the person I am today, but those memories still exist like scars from old wounds that won’t completely heal.  The instability, lack of nurturing and support and friendship, and prejudice were the basis for my low self-esteem that I have been trying hard to boost all my life.  I might’ve liked school more if I wasn’t so troubled, not trusting anyone, feeling isolated and facing racism every day.  Perhaps I would’ve done better.  Who knows?  I’ll never know now.  There’s no point dwelling on the past. 

 If it weren’t for the friends I made at church retreats, my Northern NJ Chinese teen club, and Chinese School, I would not have had any friends during my teen years.  It was bad timing in terms of when my father decided to move to North Caldwell.  I was a pretty unhappy teenager having to cope with my Asian identity being brought up as a first generation Chinese girl in a predominantly Caucasian and prejudiced community.  It was even tough for me to make friends at my Chinese church in Montville, NJ.  Surprisingly, some of the kids there weren’t necessarily the friendliest bunch either.  I didn’t fit in with the “in crowd” there who for some reason refused to welcome me into their group, yet another clique I had neither the patience nor desire to try to fit in with.  But at least I shared something in common with these kids.  My Asian ethnicity.   

I survived most of these years without talking to anyone about what I was going through.  As with most Chinese parents of my parents’ era (i.e., those born and raised in China), feelings and emotions are not expressed.  They are kept inside.  That was just part of their culture and upbringing, which was in complete contrast to the Western way.  I couldn’t talk to my brothers because they were mere kids, one of whom was nearly half my age.  I didn’t have close friends or relatives.  And I could never get anywhere talking to my mother, as she would defend her behavior and my father’s, insisting over and over again that they were doing the best they could to raise the three of us.  This is why I’ve always had the tendency to withdraw into my own world.  It’s because I had nowhere else to go.  No one to talk to.  No one to listen.  No one who could provide me with advice.  No shoulder to cry on.  No one who could understand me.  My high school years were so lonely, and why I abhor looking back on those days.  I so wanted someone to understand and listen to me, but there was no one.  Not a single soul.  Every once in a while I would get a momentary flashback that would cause me to shiver and grimace.  I hated my high school and pretty much everyone in it.  I hated and saw no purpose to my life, if I was going to be this miserable. 

Like many teenagers, I thought about suicide a lot because I was so unhappy with my life.   I wanted a quick way to escape from my miserable life.  Luckily, I was always too afraid to carry out my thoughts.  I never had insomnia, didn’t experience any significant weight loss (though I was always thin throughout my high school years), and didn’t experience constant sadness or restlessness (though I constantly worried, which was my nature which I inherited from my mother).  I was able to make it to school each day—though with anxiety and dread—and despite my angst, I even managed to make it into the National Honor Society.   Despite my misery, I never developed any kind of dependence to sleeping pills or alcohol.  I never tried drugs and never picked up a cigarette in my life, which given how unhappy I was, was quite a remarkable feat.  Looking back now, I have to give myself a lot of credit.  I’m a much stronger person than I ever imagined I was capable of being.   

The defense mechanism I developed over the years was distancing myself from all those around me.  Many a person has admitted to me how difficult it is to get to know me. Even my closest friends have never seen me cry.   There always seems to be this invisible barrier around me that prevents me from truly confiding in and trusting anyone with my emotions.  This would ultimately work against me as I found out during my PPD.   I couldn’t ever let my friends know how down I was, let alone see me while I was depressed.  Unfortunately, it was during the throes of PPD that I needed support the most.  Because I never confided much in any of my friends to begin with, why should now be any different?  It was partly my fault for not confiding my experience with my friends.  So I can’t fault them for not talking to me or coming to visit me more often. 

All throughout life, I have had to keep reminding myself that it’s not possible to be friends with everyone you know.  I had to keep these thoughts engrained in my mind throughout most of my life:

  • Friendships are two-way streets. 
  • Life is too short to try to make a friendship work when it really wasn’t meant to be. 
  • In most cases, it’s not what you do or don’t do.  If you’re consistently nice to everyone, and some people aren’t for whatever reason nice to you or don’t want to be your friend, it’s not your fault.  It’s them.  They’re the ones with an issue with which you shouldn’t have to be bothered.
  • You can’t force a friendship to work. 
  • You can’t change a dead-end street into a two-way one. 
  • There’s a lot more fish in the pond, as they say.  Just move on.

Having grown up with 2 brothers, I’ve always found it easier to make friends with guys, since they are generally not prone to being driven by emotion, acting superficial, acting feline/catty, and being backstabbing gossipers.  A prime example was this Korean bitch (and that’s the nicest thing I can think of saying about this woman) that turned absolutely all of my friends from Columbia University against me by making up stories…..some people are just so twisted!  Needless to say, this behavior is the norm in high school, college and even into the 20s.  Luckily for me, Mt. Holyoke was generally not a breeding ground for this kind of inane and immature behavior.  Of course, there will always be exceptions.  For some people it never stops.  Some people are like that until the day they pass on. 

I’d had many people advise me that I will find, as time goes on, things wouldn’t be the same once all my male friends get married and have kids.  So I should try to make more female friends and nurture those friendships as much as I could.  For some women it’s a cinch.  For others like me, it’s not that easy.  It’s hard work, and sometimes I’d rather focus my energies on other things.  Little did I know back then that social support by other women in the community, including friends and neighbors, is very important during the postpartum period.

What I learned from doing the research for my book and from my experience with PPD, I am now certain I never suffered from clinical depression before.  I often felt unhappy and withdrawn, and tended to hide in my bedroom from the world that I felt was so cruel.  It is completely normal to experience sadness and cry in reaction to something negative that happens.  Depression, however, is an illness – experienced by men, women and children – that can be debilitating to the point of no longer being able to carry out normal functions.  Depression can also cause sleep disturbances (i.e., insomnia), appetite disturbances (e.g., over or under-eating, weight loss or gain), and digestive problems (e.g., nausea, diarrhea).  I never experienced any physical symptoms like insomnia, loss of appetite or weight loss.  Sure, there were times where I wouldn’t be my “energetic” (the term many friends/associates have used to describe me) self and felt so unhappy (usually about someone that was causing anxiety, like a co-worker, a boss or a boyfriend) that I wouldn’t get out of bed. 

There were times during my high school years in which I just wanted to disappear because I wanted to “escape” from the problem, the easiest way out without having to deal with it.  I’d cry a lot and felt safest in my bedroom.  My bedroom was my sanctuary.  You could only imagine how difficult and sad it was when my parents sold our house of over 20 years, the only home I’ve ever stayed in for longer than 4 years at a stretch.  Saying goodbye to that bedroom was so, so difficult.

Now that I’ve experienced it, I know that my very first depressive episode ever was the one I experienced after my daughter’s birth.  What I felt growing up was mostly attributable to teen angst, a need to be understood and to understand myself and like myself, unhappiness about my life in general, and hatred of school and all things related to school including everyone in my high school class.  With PPD, I suffered from lack of appetite and rapid weight loss.  I never had that growing up.  My teenage weight was always steady and under 100 pounds (wow, those were the good ol’ days!).  I was just prone to anxiety, which caused such physical symptoms as dry heaving, nausea and stomachaches.  You would think my doctor back then would have attributed those symptoms to anxiety, but it never came up.  He never asked me questions to try to get to the bottom of it.  Not much difference in the medical profession from the 1970s and now.  What a shame!  I can distinctly recall experiencing dry heaves each morning as I was getting ready for school, not having any appetite to eat breakfast but forcing it down anyway because my mother insisted I eat.  Upset stomachs and a burning sensation in my gut were a regular occurrence – both of which I self-diagnosed as lactose intolerance (I self-diagnosed even back then, since I had to endure a number of unsuccessful treatments that included kaopectate, milk of magnesia, some kind of medication for ulcers—none of which helped relieve my symptoms), so I haven’t had a glass of milk since 10th grade.  The cessation of milk drinking seemed to relieve some of my symptoms, but ultimately my “nervous stomach” occurrences slowly but surely stopped in the years after I graduated from high school.  If you looked at my photos from my junior high and high school years, you’d see a shell of a person, all skinny and unhappy looking. 

Nowadays, I have trouble keeping my weight down to the level I’m supposed to be at for my height.  There’s a direct correlation of happiness to weight.  The happier I get, the heavier I am.  The weight gain, personality transformation and general increase in happiness about my life started when I went off to Mt. Holyoke.  My first time living away from home.  No more parental pressures and nagging.  Freedom!    With the exception of my tumultuous relationships with men, I did not suffer from the kind of unhappiness that I endured all throughout high school.  I definitely do NOT miss those years!

Never Assume that All is Blissful for the New Mom….Preventable Tragedies

If you have been following my blog, you may have read my previous post from April 9, 2009 titled “Pain, Sadness Hiding Behind Smiles….Never Assume and Think That All is Blissful for the New Mom.” 

Today, February 27, 2010 marks the second anniversary of the tragic suicide of Joseph Raso’s daughter, Crystal, four months after she gave birth to her second child.  I’d written about this sad, sad story last April when I first heard about it through Susan Stone’s blog, that included Joseph’s touching letter about what happened.  

Here’s a link to a very moving piece written by my friend Marcie Ramirez.  And click on the video montage that fellow PPD blogger Lauren Hale sent me, which Joseph sent her just a couple days ago.  

I urge you to please do the following:

  • Help Joseph’s efforts to spread awareness about PPD by sharing this story and the video montage with as many people as possible, particularly expectant/new parents. 
  • Become knowledgeable about PPD, including its risk factors and symptoms (and how to distinguish from the blues).  If you have a friend, relative, neighbor or co-worker that just had a baby, ask her how she REALLY feels.  Offer her your emotional and/or practical support.   From what you know about her, including whether she has been particularly stressed/concerned about anything recently and whether she had any pregnancy/childbirth complications, if you get any sense that all is not well (i.e., she is not able to sleep even when the baby sleeps, she is overly anxious), encourage her to tell the truth about her thoughts and feelings.  Print out my post detailing PPD symptoms and the difference between the blues, and show it to her.   This way, if she is in fact suffering from PPD, she will be less likely to try to hide how she is REALLY feeling.  Knowing she is not alone in her experience, there is no reason to feel any shame or guilt, and she will get better as long as she seeks treatment….such knowledge can decrease the likelihood that feelings of hopelessness and helplessness will take over and make her think that the only way to escape her pain is by taking her own life.

For more information, including the email Joseph sent to Lauren, click here.  

If you are struggling with a postpartum mood disorder, you can:

  • Contact the Postpartum Support International (PSI) warmline* at 1.800.944.4PPD.
  • Go to the PSI website for a list of coordinators for each state who can provide referrals to those who specialize in treating PPD in your area.

* Some states offer toll-free phone (either hot or warm) lines.  Hotlines operate 24/7 and can serve callers in different languages and are staffed by licensed mental health professionals.  For example, New Jersey has a hotline (800.328.3838).  Warmlines don’t operate on a 24/7 basis and are staffed by volunteers.

Pain, Sadness Hiding Behind Smiles…Never Assume and Think That All is Blissful for the New Mom

Never assume….never take for granted that everyone always has smooth deliveries and postpartum experiences…..never think that just because she’s smiling that everything is fine and blissful, as it always has to be after the birth of a baby.

I just got through reading a touching letter on Susan Stone’s blog written by a father who lost his daughter to postpartum depression (PPD) and is encouraging people to petition for the Melanie Blocker Stokes MOTHERS Act.   His daughter seemed fine though people realized too late that she appeared to be more consumed with worry in the days leading up to her suicide.    Touched and with tears in my eyes, I started to write this post.

Something has to be done to stop the silent suffering of so many new mothers, bring more public awareness on PPD, and more healthcare professionals (GPs, OB/GYNs) up to speed on detecting PPD before it spirals out of control and leads to sometimes disastrous consequences.  What we need to do is prevent these situations from happening in the first place.  The only way we can make progress is through public awareness, which includes dispelling the myths of motherhood.  Now, if you happen to be one of the proponents of those ridiculous myths because you feel threatened or whatever the reason might be, then take a reality pill and get with the program.  Jump off that la-la train that you’ve been riding.  You cannot possibly ignore the fact that PPD is the #1 complication of childbirth, with 1 out of 8 women suffering from it.  If you still want to ignore it, then that’s YOUR problem.  Don’t make it anyone else’s. 

How many more lives should be torn apart from an illness most people still think is a make-believe illness?  Some marriages do not survive.  Children of women with untreated PPD may end up with cognitive, social, emotional and behavioral delays and potentially anti-social issues down the road.  For God’s sake, some women whose illnesses spiral out of control don’t even make it through alive. 

Sure, mothers have been giving birth for thousands and thousands of years. Just because most women with PPD don’t speak up doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. And you mothers out there….if you don’t speak up, people will continue to go on scoffing at the idea that PPD does exist.

Why the fear?  Why the secrecy?  Why not speak up?

You may be wondering why the heck, then, doesn’t a mother who’s not feeling herself get help in the first place, then think about this.  

  • Many (like me) don’t even know what is happening to them in the first place. 
  • Many go see their doctor about why they’re feeling the way they’re feeling, but are told that what they’re feeling (baby blues) is normal and should go away by itself; yes, doctors still misdiagnose even today (more on this in my next post – stay tuned). 
  • Many are afraid of what their family/friends may think. 
  • Many are afraid others will look down at them and call them weak/bad mothers. 
  • Many may even fear that if they speak up, their children will be taken away.  After all, media is doing a great job in painting the wrong picture about PPD  (see earlier post on ABC’s Private Practice) and the public seems to think, ever since the Andrea Yates case, that everyone who has PPD is at minimum a bad mother or will turn into an Andrea Yates.    Well, Andrea Yates had postpartum psychosis (PPP)–which occurs in 1 in 500 to 1,000 mothers– and was never successfully diagnosed and treated, and look at the disastrous consequences that resulted.   The healthcare system failed her and those around her didn’t help her.  Instead, the public chooses to put the blame squarely on her shoulders. This is why public awareness and education are CRITICAL!

Basically, with the exception that the birth of a child is a life-changing experience for all women, though in different ways and to different degrees, no one woman’s motherhood experience is the same as any other. The only experiences you will hear are the mothers who have positive experiences gushing to everyone they know and run across “I love being a mother. Being a mother is such a fulfilling, wonderful experience that I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I couldn’t ask for anything more. It’s all I ever dreamed motherhood to be.” Since you only ever hear about the positive experiences, women whose experiences aren’t as positive will tend to keep their feelings to themselves.  It takes courage and a desire to empower other women to speak up.  Slowly, the numbers of women who speak up are growing until hopefully, one day, this suffering in silence nonsense will finally come to an end.  I’m hoping this momentum continues to the point until the motherhood myths disappear and mother-centered programs (mental/physical health and practical/social support) during the postpartum period become the norm rather than the exception.

Don’t compare yourself to other mothers that appear to be coping extremely well with motherhood–those who never look tired, always look happy and seem to do it all without needing any help at all. I know how tempting and almost second nature it is, but you must resist doing so.  Don’t assume that, just because other new mothers around you seem to have a picture-perfect motherhood experience, they’re natural mothers because they seem to know what to do and do everything right, and even look great  even immediately after having given birth. It could also be that some of these women have hired help in the form of a doula/nanny/housekeeper, which does in fact help new mothers get the rest they need to recover (see previous post on social support).  Unfortunately, however, not everyone has the ability to hire such help. 

You don’t know what truly goes on behind closed doors.   Just like others won’t know something’s wrong unless you open up, you’ll never know whether these seemingly perfect mothers are just putting up a façade. It’s scary how common it is for a woman to disguise how she’s truly feeling–it’s called make-up and good acting–all so others won’t know she’s not coping as well as she thinks she should.  She wants to give the impression that she’s handling it like the supermom that other mothers give the impression they are and how she wants to be viewed as.  This is one of the reasons why even today people are surprised to hear that PPD is the #1 complication of childbirth.  

No one’s life is perfect, despite appearances.

Please see a doctor if you don’t feel yourself even after 2-3 weeks postpartum, and you’re feeling down, unable to smile, unable to enjoy anything and/or unable to sleep even when the baby sleeps.