A Letter to My Mother on Mother’s Day

Dear Mom,

You brought me into this world.
You raised me.
You taught me to be a caring, polite, honest and hard-working individual.
I have much to thank you for.

You were always a very caring mother.
Even though you always worried so much…..
Too much, in fact.
You worried so much that you drove me and my brothers bonkers.
Your incessant worrying made for a very tough time growing up as your daughter.

You always did tell me, wait until you have your own child(ren), and
Then you will know what it’s like to be a mother.
Looking back, I do realize you were just trying to be the best mother you can be,
Just as I now want to be the best mother I can be too.

I remember how we used to fight a lot.
Much of it was due to no one being able to see things from the perspective of the other.
And dad was a catalyst to our fights.
My unhappy teenage years didn’t help matters.
Things were tough for me growing up.
I hated school and where we lived so much.

But I know things were tough for you too.
You lived far away from your own parents….
So far away that you only saw them a couple times since you came here in the 1950s,
Seeking a better life for yourself and future family.
You always just grinned and trod on,
Focused on ensuring your children did well in life.

Life has not been that fair for you, I know
And I wish I could have changed your experiences and circumstances
So you could’ve had a better life
That you didn’t have to spend so many lonely days at home alone
After my brothers and I moved out and
While dad worked all day, 7 days a week.

I wish I knew then what I know now.
That your heightened anxiety and obsessive behaviors,
Your worst enemies,
Should have been treated so that
After you had your surgery in 2012,
Your anxiety and obsessive behaviors wouldn’t compromise your health.
Your soon-to-be-84-year-old self
Still doesn’t look your age
Despite all the medical issues you’ve faced.
Had it not been for your anxiety and obsessive behaviors,
I could see you living up to 100 years old,
Full of the energy and youthfulness I remember seeing
As a child while you sang and danced in the kitchen.

I will never forget your sadness that you couldn’t spend more time with your family.
It pains me to remember.
I wish I could’ve done more for you earlier….
Like send you back to see your family more,
But money was always an issue.

This regret will hang over my head for the rest of my life.
This regret has taught me that
It’s not about material wealth, size of home, or appearance of wealth that matters
So much as the fact that time goes by and people age too quickly
Moments are all too fleeting,
And before you know it, there are so many lost opportunities
To do things you wanted/meant to do
That are now too late to carry out.
I may now have the means to send you home to visit your family.
But you are now too old and frail to travel.

I don’t want any more regrets.
I don’t want to later look back with regret that I didn’t see you as much as I could.
I don’t want to later look back with regret that I didn’t cook for you.
I don’t want any more regrets.

I want to be there for you as much as I can,
Within my abilities and despite my shortcomings,
As I am far from a perfect daughter.

Today, on Mother’s Day, a dreary, rainy, chilly day,
I reflect on my shortcomings as a daughter.
I could’ve spent more time with you.
I could’ve cooked more for you.

But things are not too late.
I can still see you every week.
I can still cook a little for you,
Even though I suck at cooking.

You inspire me to be a better mother.
And a better daughter too.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

Love always,
Ivy

Elly Taylor of Becoming Us and her 2019 Seed Planting Workshop U.S. Tour

My friend, Elly Taylor, is an Australian relationship counselor, author of the book Becoming Us, and founder of an organization of the same name, which she created to teach professionals and support mothers and their partners.  Both the book and organization’s mission is to help the mother and partner navigate the peaks and valleys of the parenting journey via 8 essential steps that Becoming Us as “map, compass and travel guide all in one.”

Elly and I have a bunch of things in common.  We are both postpartum depression (PPD) survivors and book authors (though hers is award winning).  We were both blindsided by PPD and the challenges of parenting.  We are both members of Postpartum Support International.  Elly loves NYC (where I’ve spent the last 30 years working) as much as if not more than I love Sydney (where she lives).  She is fortunate enough to be out here in NYC each year for the past 4 years on Becoming Us-related reasons; whereas, I’ve been back to Sydney 3x in the past 22 years (I so wish I could return more often!).

Elly will be here in the states for her “Seed Planting” workshop tour in Los Angeles, Denver, Chicago, and New York City.  For the complete schedule and how to register, click here.  If you live near those areas and are a couple or family therapist, birth professional, infant or child mental health professional, and anyone else who works with expecting, new or not so new parent, sign up for Elly’s 2-hour interactive seed-planting workshop.

The training will teach you:

  1. how the groundbreaking research- and evidence-based Becoming Us approach can support you to work with mothers/fathers/partners to navigate the different transitions to parenthood, reduce risks for postpartum mood disorders, and support families to thrive
  2. what the transitions are (there are more than 8!), how they can negatively impact mothers and their families
  3. how to plant Becoming Us “seeds” that reduce risk for the most common parenthood problems including perinatal mental health issues and relationship distress
  4. how you can apply the model to your work with parents at any stage of their family life cycle

Then, in Atlanta, Elly will also hold a breakout session/seminar at the CAPPA Conference taking place from June 21-23.  See the CAPPA website for more info and to register.

Additionally, she will hold a breakout session/seminar at this year’s Postpartum Support International conference in Portland, Oregon.  It will take place on June 30th from 9am-noon.  See the PSI Conference website for more details about the conference and how to register.

Maria’s Letter to Her Younger Self

Maria’s younger self in 2009

A note of thanks to my friend and fellow PPD survivor/advocate, Maria, who was gracious in letting me share this letter she wrote last week during Maternal Mental Health Week, and I happened to see it on my feed and totally loved it.  This letter has inspired me to write my own letter to my younger self, which I hope to share soon.

If you are suffering from a postpartum mood disorder right now, please be comforted in knowing there are so many more moms like Maria and me that have suffered and overcome PPD only to become much stronger and empowered women.  You will down the road be able to write–and perhaps even share–your own letters to your younger selves as well.

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Dear Younger Maria (2009):

You are going to be okay.

You’re in hell now,
but you’re going to plug along
and find your way out.

It isn’t going to be easy
and it isn’t going to be pretty,
but soon after this photo was taken
you will summon the courage to reach out for help.

You will call the nurse manager in your obstetrician’s office
and in between sobs and heaving breaths,
you will slowly and fully tell her how you think something is wrong.

How you feel nothing when you hold your daughter
and you cry all the time.
How you only want to hide in a locked closet or a locked bathroom,
and in fact that is often what you do
once the kids are asleep or with a babysitter.

You are barely functioning but you are doing it.
You are doing it mama.

And those babies love you.
And you are an amazing mother.
And you are going to shine so brightly.

I promise.

Just hold on,
trust in yourself,
lean on your trusted friends,
and always remember that
you are worthy of more than this feeling.

More than this heart-wrenching,
gut-punching pain
and stifling loneliness.

This emptiness that consumes you will subside,
and soon you will find
a version of yourself that will set you free.

Be brave sweet mama.
I am so proud you.

Love,
Older Maria (2019)

Free Screening of Not Carol and Panel Discussion – Scotch Plains, NJ on May 29, 2019

If you live in New Jersey, please consider attending this screening of Not Carol, a feature-length documentary about the Carol Coronado case from 2014.  I’d blogged about it here and here.  And in searching for her current status just now (I was hoping there’d be news that would be more positive than that she was spending the rest of her life in prison without parole), I found this article featuring Joy Burkhard of 2020Mom  and her advocacy for Carol and other moms.  Carol’s case is another example of a tragic loss resulting from a postpartum mood disorder, in this case postpartum psychosis.

What:  Free Screening of Not Carol

Why:  Learn about postpartum depression (PPD), its symptoms and how to support mothers (and even fathers) suffering from it.  Public awareness initiatives like this one can help reduce stigma and ensure mothers suffering from a postpartum mood disorder, like PPD or postpartum psychosis, get the help they need.  We must ensure future cases like Carol’s will never happen again.  Note: this screening is not just intended for doctors/psychiatrists/social workers that work with new moms.  You can be a survivor, advocate, or simply a concerned citizen who may or may not know someone in your life that has suffered/is currently suffering from a postpartum mood disorder.

When: Wednesday, May 29 at 7:30 p.m.

Where: Scotch Plains JCC, 1391 Martine Avenue, Scotch Plains, NJ 07076

RSVP: Courtney Teicher via cteicher@jccng.org or 908-889-8800 x227

After the film there will be a panel discussion comprised of the following individuals (note that Dr Birndorf and Dr. Levine were on The Today Show on August 3, 2018, which focused on Dr. Levine’s experience as a new father with PPD.  Click here for my blog post about that):

  • Film Executive Producers: Eamon Harrington and Veronica Brady
  • David Levine, MD:  Summit Medical Group physician
  • Catherine Birndorf, MD – Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry and Obstetrics/Gynecology and founding director of the Payne Whitney Women’s Program at The New York Presbyterian Hospital – Weill Cornell Medical Center in Manhattan.  She is also a co-founder of The Motherhood Center).  I’d met her previously at a Postpartum Support International (PSI) conference.

Speaking of PSI, there will be information and individuals on-hand to provide information about the non-profit international organization.

 

 

Sounds of Silence 11th Annual Run/Walk – May 11, 2019

Join the Sounds of Silence, Friends of the Postpartum Resource Center of New York’s 11th annual run/walk in memory and celebration of Lisa Mary Reilly and help raise funds in the effort to increase awareness of perinatal mood disorders, such as postpartum depression (PPD), postpartum OCD, and postpartum psychosis.   Not only is this for an excellent cause, it will be a nice opportunity to race (or walk) a beautiful 5K boardwalk along the Atlantic Ocean.

Here’s a video of last year’s run/walk:

I have posted about this annual run/walk every year since 2009.  That year, I was one of the two top fundraisers, bringing in over $1,000 (as an individual).  This annual fundraiser was started back in 2008 by sisters Erin Mascaro and Lisa Reilly. It was Lisa’s experience with PPD after the birth of her daughter–an experience so deeply painful and full of suffering (a suffering that many others like her feel forced to endure in silence) that was witnessed by Erin and other loved ones–that motivated Erin and Lisa to break the silence of PPD with the Sounds of Silence annual run/walk .

All proceeds will go towards supporting the important services the Postpartum Resource Center of New York, Inc., a 501(c)3 non-profit organization (tax ID #11-3449880), provides to new mothers and their families.  To learn more about its services, go to:  http://postpartumny.org.

Please help spread the word about this fundraiser by blogging or sharing the flyer on Facebook/Twitter.

Sponsors Needed:  They are looking for sponsors, so companies looking for opportunities to support a wonderful cause that benefits mothers and their families should seriously consider this opportunity!  Click here for more info.

All New York State schools and colleges are invited to participate!  Click here to find out more.

Date:  Saturday, May 11, 2019

Time:  Registration from 8:00-9:00; race/walk begins at 9:15 AM.  There will be a Kids Fun Run, Raffles, Pre- and post-prace refreshments.

Place:   Jones Beach State Park, Wantagh, Long Island (Field 5)

Run/Walk Registration:  $30 (adults); $20 (ages 11-18); $5 (ages 10 and under); register here.  Registration price increases after May 4th.

Virtual Participation:  For those of you who can’t make it in person, you can participate virtually by registering via this link.  $30 to participate; you get a t-shirt for participation.

What first 250 entrants and first 500 registrants will receive:  First 250 entrants will receive commemorative t-shirts, and first 500 registrants (on day of) will receive race swag bags.  There will be a post-race raffle for prizes that include gift baskets, gift certificates, etc (you need to be present to win).  All who raise $200+ will receive a Sounds of Silence beach towel.

50/50 Fundraiser:  There will be a 50/50 Fundraiser to benefit the Postpartum Resource Center of New York.  Only 300 raffle tickets will be sold.   Grand prize: $10,000; 2nd prize: $3,500; 3rd prize: $1000; 4th prize: $500.  All proceeds from this raffle will be shared equally between the winner of each prize and the Postpartum Resource Center of New York, Inc.  Click here for more info.  Click here to purchase your ticket(s) while they last. Click here to order.  NOTE: Your ticket(s) will be mailed to you. You do not need to be present to win. All prize awards noted here are based on a sale of all 300 available tickets. Actual prize award(s) is based on total number of tickets sold.

 

Parenting is hard

As a follow-up to my July 2018 post about my friend Elly Taylor’s US tour, I would like to help spread the word that PARENTING IS HARD.

 

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That’s right, parenting is NOT necessarily instinctive.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Parenting is a journey that is traveled by the new mom who learns as she goes.

And one in which the new father (or partner) learns as he goes.

Or as per Elly’s training mantra and title of her book, it’s a journey to Becoming Us.

And you, parents, need to and should take as much help as you can get along the way.

There should be no shame with that.

No one says that you need to go it all alone.

The more help you get, the better your parenting experience will be.

Trust me.

And trust Elly and everyone else that is trying to spread this truth and resources to get you that help.

The more we realize this going into parenthood, the less we are blindsided.

The more we are prepared for the twists in the parenting journey that life throws our way.

For 1 out of 7 new moms, postpartum depression (PPD) is one of the twists that they will come across on their journey.

Minimizing surprises leads to a better parenting experience and less risk of PPD.

We should want this for everyone, no?

So, please help spread the word.

PARENTING IS HARD.

 

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Check out Elly’s brand new video.
It is a very important video for all expectant and new mothers and their partners.
I just adore listening to her lovely Australian accent.

Stay tuned to a follow-up post on Elly’s 2019 tour to the United States.

 

Keys to Empowering New/Expectant Moms and Maternal Mental Health

I was talking to someone 2 days ago who mentioned that for millenials, images are the way to go to attract attention to important messages.  In this day and age of limited-word media like Twitter and other social media forums, sound bytes and visuals tend to grab people’s attentions more.  Print media — like magazines and books (like mine) and all the other books I devoured in my quest for knowledge on why postpartum depression (PPD) occurs in certain women — are going more and more by the wayside.  Just today, I stumbled across an email from Karen Kleiman, MSW, LCSW, (founder of The Postpartum Stress Center and author of numerous books on perinatal mood disorders)1 yr and 9 months ago giving me permission to use the below image on my blog.  This image grabbed my attention and I want to help circulate it.   You should too if you care about mothers.  We need images and information like this to reach more expectant mothers.  We need to ensure they are informed before they even give birth so they aren’t blindsided with PPD.

Why do I feel this information is important? My experience with PPD happened back in 2005, and I blogged about the ignorance of my OB/GYN in February 2009, just shy of 10 years ago.  It was one of my first blog posts. Unfortunately, not much has changed between then and now except for the advent of Facebook and other social media to spread the word via organizations such as Postpartum Support International (PSI), PPD survivors/advocates, social workers, therapists and others who treat perinatal mood disorders (PMDs).  I know this from the stories that come across my feed on Facebook.  I know this from talking to others whose job is to care for mothers who struggle with PMDs.  The general population doesn’t know the difference between postpartum blues and PPD because all too many doctors don’t even know the difference.  Karen Kleiman would not have needed to create the above image if she didn’t see the problem still existing with doctors misinforming PPD moms.

The care model for OB/GYNs should be mandated to include:

  1. adequate training in medical schools/residency programs to ensure doctors know how to recognize symptoms of and treat perinatal mood disorders and know the difference between the baby blues versus PPD
  2.  a 15-minute time slot in every hospital baby care/childbirth training session to go over the basics of perinatal mood disorders (PPD, postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, and postpartum psychosis), difference between the postpartum blues and PPD, breastfeeding realities, risk factors, importance of lining up practical/social support before baby’s arrival, insomnia as a common first symptom, etc.)
  3. being prepared to offer referrals to organizations like PSI (which has coordinators in every state that can try to help the mother find local help), maternal mental health facilities and mother/baby units (which are starting to pop up more & more around the country), PPD support groups, therapists/social workers who specialize in helping PPD moms, and even websites / blogs / Facebook groups that can provide online support
  4. screening patients for risk of perinatal mood disorders
    • prior to pregnancy – to establish a baseline of hormone levels before pregnancy and determine if the woman has a history of PMDD  or other risk factors for PPD
    • during pregnancy – consultation comprised of questions to try to detect pre-natal depression and review of a standard small booklet with images and bullet points covering the basics of perinatal mood disorders (PPD, postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, and postpartum psychosis), difference between the postpartum blues and PPD, breastfeeding realities, risk factors, importance of lining up practical/social support before baby’s arrival, insomnia as a common first symptom, etc.)
    • during 6-week postpartum visit – including blood work to detect iron/thyroid deficiencies and measure hormone/neurotransmitter levels, thyroid panel, Adrenal Stress Index

Click here to see my Onboarding Questionnaire, Pregnancy Questionnaire, and Postpartum Questionnaire.

As you can see, I am continuing to use my PPD experience to come up with ideas to effect change in the reproductive health care arena.  I will continue to find ways to contribute toward public awareness campaigns, as well as resource development and distribution.